I've been watching the documentary called The Hunting Ground this morning. That and the the recent news about the Stanford rape case, had brought up a lot of really repressed feelings. In August 2008 I was sexually assaulted. I don't really talk about it because I don't want to think about it. When I do think about it, my anxiety and depression do get much worse. I'm sure now that I'm seeing a psychologist, but with it being so ever present in the news lately, I've been forced to think about it.
When it happened I was too scared to press charges. I was just so focused on being back to "normal" that I didn't want to pursue it. I also didn't think that he would get any punishment. So why put myself through more grief? The rape kit didn't find any DNA evidence, I was blackout drunk, and the only thing I could really tell was that I woke up naked with him touching my butt. To me, I didn't seem like I had a case so why go through having to talk to him again or having to talk to more police? I already had to deal with my thoughts and my mom constantly looking at me like I was broken, or like she had failed.
To be honest, things did go back to normal relatively quick, so it was easy to push it out of my mind. I know a lot of people know what happened to me, but the one who knows the most is one of my best friends. She was there, unaware that anything happened until the next morning. Our other friend that was there, who I thought I was closer with, pretty much stopped talking to me afterward. I think she felt guilty, which I didn't want, but as my psychologist told me, I can't control how other people think/react.
I keep having to pause this documentary. I've wanted to watch it since I saw it nominated for an Academy Award. But because I can relate to these girls (and a few guys) so much, I can't just watch it all the way through. It happened to me in a college town, near one of the biggest LA schools (UCLA), but it wasn't a school where I was a student nor was the other person a student. Still, hearing how helpless these girls feel, I felt the same way.
I don't even know why I'm writing this right now. Probably because I'm home alone, with no one to talk with about this stuff. The person I'm closest to in the world I still have a hard time telling about this. Jon knows, but I didn't go in to detail about it. I've blocked so much out that it's just flashes of memories anyway. But I love him so much, I don't want him to hurt at all hearing about these things. I'm just a little mess right now.
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
Monday, December 28, 2015
Stop comparing
I have had a million things going on in my life since my last post on here. Some not so great, like having to go to the ER 3 times (& stay overnight 4ish nights) in 1 week... leaving me out of work for almost a month and minus yet another organ in my body (later, gallbladder). Some great, like becoming an aunt, having a great job, and moving in with my boyfriend.
But despite the good things, I keep comparing myself.
I know that there really is no need to compare myself to anyone. You do you, and stuff. But I feel like I'm developmentally behind. I'm 28. In 2016 I will enter into my last year in my 20s. Not that I feel the "doom" of 30 per se, but I definitely feel like I'm behind on so many things. I'll start with what has me really down right now. I got some AMAZING news from one of my best friend's the other day. I am totally excited for her, but completely jealous all at once. Summer just told me and Jennee she's pregnant. She's due in July (I told her she already got married on my birthday, so she should have her baby that day too... I mean, it's a good day (: ) I could not be more excited for her. I get to be an "aunt" to another little bundle of joy. I'm totally happy for her, but later that night, I was balling about this. Jon kept trying to get me to tell him why I was upset. I gave him part of the answer, that I was worried I wouldn't get to see her as much, which is part of why I was sad. She's my closest friend and I'm sad I won't get to have random coffee dates or shopping dates with her. But the complete truth was, I'm jealous. Summer is 3 weeks younger than me, and she's been married for 3 years, and now going to have a child. Those are things that I thought I would have at this point in my life. Between this, my friend Christie just having a SECOND child, and my sister now being a mom, I can definitely feel that biological clock ticking.
Eventually I told Jon the complete truth. And how I'm worried about being an old mom, if I'll be able to have kids, if they'll be healthy. I've told him several times that I want to start trying by 30. In my head, I want to be done with having kids by 34-35. That seems so old to me. But then again, my mom had me when she was 26, same as me sister, so my baseline says I'm already behind.
BUT, this has me getting more impatient and comparing myself more on yet another topic, marriage. I have several friends that have gotten engaged this past year, or are recently married. I've known Jon was the one since about 3-4 months in to dating. We've been together 2 years now. We've been living together over a month. We had a 30-day money back guarantee on the apartment, so we've been teasing each other "Want to back out yet?" "Annoyed yet?" And the answer has consistently been "no" from both of us. I could not be more content. I worried so much about him driving home late at night. I even asked him to text me when he would get home. Now, I get woken up with a kiss on the forehead or feeling his arms wrap around me, and I know that he's safe. My parents were surprisingly onboard about us moving in before marriage, but they now ask almost daily if questions have been popped yet. My dad said he's "counting the days" that we're "living in sin." Thanks, dad. I already brought it up a bunch, and he's assured me that it will happen, but I feel like it needs to happen now. I want it to happen now. And I know it's a 2-way street. But he tells me he wants it too. He's just trying to pay off bills and save up for a ring. I even told him I don't need one, because the ring is just a symbol. But it's a really beautiful, shiny symbol that if I'm being honest with myself, I want so much.
Between babies and marriage, I feel like I'm not where I need to be. I would love to say that in 2016 I'm getting married and knocked up, in that order. But I don't think either will happen. Not really things I can add to a "New Years Resolution" list. Both of those depend on the man I love, and him wanting to make those things happen as well. But I can work on comparing less, and having a hell of a lot more patience. I really have been working on the latter. I'm getting better but it's a slow process. Comparing less will be a challenge, because it's something I've done pretty much my whole life. But I know that everyone is different. There's no "right" way to do anything in life. Things will happen as they're supposed to happen.
But despite the good things, I keep comparing myself.
I know that there really is no need to compare myself to anyone. You do you, and stuff. But I feel like I'm developmentally behind. I'm 28. In 2016 I will enter into my last year in my 20s. Not that I feel the "doom" of 30 per se, but I definitely feel like I'm behind on so many things. I'll start with what has me really down right now. I got some AMAZING news from one of my best friend's the other day. I am totally excited for her, but completely jealous all at once. Summer just told me and Jennee she's pregnant. She's due in July (I told her she already got married on my birthday, so she should have her baby that day too... I mean, it's a good day (: ) I could not be more excited for her. I get to be an "aunt" to another little bundle of joy. I'm totally happy for her, but later that night, I was balling about this. Jon kept trying to get me to tell him why I was upset. I gave him part of the answer, that I was worried I wouldn't get to see her as much, which is part of why I was sad. She's my closest friend and I'm sad I won't get to have random coffee dates or shopping dates with her. But the complete truth was, I'm jealous. Summer is 3 weeks younger than me, and she's been married for 3 years, and now going to have a child. Those are things that I thought I would have at this point in my life. Between this, my friend Christie just having a SECOND child, and my sister now being a mom, I can definitely feel that biological clock ticking.
Eventually I told Jon the complete truth. And how I'm worried about being an old mom, if I'll be able to have kids, if they'll be healthy. I've told him several times that I want to start trying by 30. In my head, I want to be done with having kids by 34-35. That seems so old to me. But then again, my mom had me when she was 26, same as me sister, so my baseline says I'm already behind.
BUT, this has me getting more impatient and comparing myself more on yet another topic, marriage. I have several friends that have gotten engaged this past year, or are recently married. I've known Jon was the one since about 3-4 months in to dating. We've been together 2 years now. We've been living together over a month. We had a 30-day money back guarantee on the apartment, so we've been teasing each other "Want to back out yet?" "Annoyed yet?" And the answer has consistently been "no" from both of us. I could not be more content. I worried so much about him driving home late at night. I even asked him to text me when he would get home. Now, I get woken up with a kiss on the forehead or feeling his arms wrap around me, and I know that he's safe. My parents were surprisingly onboard about us moving in before marriage, but they now ask almost daily if questions have been popped yet. My dad said he's "counting the days" that we're "living in sin." Thanks, dad. I already brought it up a bunch, and he's assured me that it will happen, but I feel like it needs to happen now. I want it to happen now. And I know it's a 2-way street. But he tells me he wants it too. He's just trying to pay off bills and save up for a ring. I even told him I don't need one, because the ring is just a symbol. But it's a really beautiful, shiny symbol that if I'm being honest with myself, I want so much.
Between babies and marriage, I feel like I'm not where I need to be. I would love to say that in 2016 I'm getting married and knocked up, in that order. But I don't think either will happen. Not really things I can add to a "New Years Resolution" list. Both of those depend on the man I love, and him wanting to make those things happen as well. But I can work on comparing less, and having a hell of a lot more patience. I really have been working on the latter. I'm getting better but it's a slow process. Comparing less will be a challenge, because it's something I've done pretty much my whole life. But I know that everyone is different. There's no "right" way to do anything in life. Things will happen as they're supposed to happen.
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
Exciting Changes... Exciting changes....
So much has happened since the last time I actually sat down to write something on here. It's really crazy. In the last few months I: started to really love the place I worked, was given a pink slip, got to teach the boot camp hell that is summer school, flew across the Pacific ocean with my favorite person, visiting a beautiful place I never thought I would get to see, got see where both Jon's Dad and my Dad spent their late teens/early 20s, became another year closer to 30, went to almost 20(!!!) interviews, finally got a full-time teaching job that could (hopefully) last for the long haul, and sadly, I will soon be officially leaving my coaching job of nearly 10 years. The last 3-4 months have been so crazy. I feel like I have grown so much but I still feel so overwhelmed.
It's about 8:30pm right now... I only got home from work about an hour ago. No, I wasn't at a rehearsal or anything. I was just at the high school doing teaching stuff and meetings until close to 7pm. I know that teachers put in a lot of hours "outside the classroom" but I didn't think I would be doing all that from inside my classroom until almost sun down.
My classroom... it's still such a crazy concept. I mean, I know that I have been teaching (or at least trying to) for about 5 years now, but it's still so exciting to say MY classroom. It's not perfect. I actually have a million things I want to change, but this is at least a starting point. It's only the 3rd week of the school year, but it really feels like it's just flying by. It's actually quite overwhelming.
So, I got this job at Edgewood High School in West Covina. It was actually my 3rd interview for the school. For whatever reason they didn't pick me after the 2nd round. I got the rejection letter and was bummed but not too surprised because it is an IB school (very goal oriented, high achieving, etc.) and I have gotten a million rejects this summer, so what's another one? The next day I see the job posted again. WTF?! So more so out of spite and frustration I figured "fuck it!" and applied again. I honestly thought I wouldn't get another interview because they'd recognize my name and not want to see me again. My mistake! I got called a few days later. I interviewed Thursday (going straight to another interview and then to rehearsal), I got a call from one of my references later that night telling me they had called him. So I was hopeful. Next morning I literally woke up to one of the best phone calls ever, telling me that they wanted to hire me but it wouldn't be official until HR called later that day. I was jumping up and down. I called Jon and told him (even though it was 7:30am and he had only gone to sleep an hour before). Monday I started staff development, Tuesday I signed my contract, Wednesday was the first day of school. Talk about quick! But hey, after coming in part way through the semester last year, this was a blessing.
I'm crazy stressed out and don't feel super confident, but I keep reminding myself its early and things will (hopefully?) calm down soon.
It is bittersweet because part of this job was starting a color guard at the school. Right now that's all up in the air (long story), but I really have zero free time for things outside this school. I know I was able to coach and still work last year, but that was only a temporary job. I went into that school year knowing I would not be at Sierra Vista for more than the 2014-2015 school year. So it made sense to not sever ties completely. I don't like uncertainty and if I have one constant, I'm going to hold on to it. I knew that I was going to need something after SV, in case I didn't get a job right away, and Cal was my safety net.
Once I told Nordquist about Edgewood he was so excited for me and was totally understanding that I would be missing band camp. I went to Cal's preview show that Friday at the end of my first week, and they had done so much without me. Stephanie had things (mostly) under control. I ended up going to their rehearsal last Monday since Stephanie couldn't be there. and at the end of the night I asked Doug what kind of commitment was he expecting from me? None. He basically set me free. I have a loyalty to Cal, I always will, and I think he knew that it would never be easy for me to just leave without knowing it was going to be ok. I still plan on going to a show or two. And I definitely want to say goodbye to the kids (I refuse to let myself do to them what Jen did, because I saw how much that hurt them and I don't want to do that), but my time as a color guard coach at California High School had come to an end.
BUT! Exciting things are on the horizon! New job means more moneys! Which means finally moving out of this place! I love my parents, they know I do, but I want to leave the nest. I want to have a place of my own. And really it would be me and Jon. It's still crazy that my parents aren't completely freaking out that we want to move in together, but I think they know this isn't just a fleeting relationship. Plus he's 30 and I'm 28, we can make our own decisions. I mean, it was gonna happen regardless of their blessing, but it's nice to know they're not going to disown me.
Right now we're looking at the San Dimas/Covina/Glendora area. I don't want to live in West Covina because it would be weird to be neighbors with a student. Plus for the time being he works in Ontario and goes to school in Corona. And it's not like we're moving right now (though trust me, I've thought about it). The goal is December. Because I'll have 2 weeks off to move things, and that give Jon time to look for something closer this way and finish a class. But he's still helping his parents out a lot, and if we live together he won't be able to do that (cuz as much as I've joked with him about it, I'm NOT a sugar mama). So while it's not exciting as the recent news that 2 of my favorite people just got engaged, but it's nice to have something to look forward to on the horizon for Jon and I. We basically live together on the weekends, but really living together will be a big step. And December will also be our 2 year anniversary, so perfect timing for a next step in my book.
It's about 8:30pm right now... I only got home from work about an hour ago. No, I wasn't at a rehearsal or anything. I was just at the high school doing teaching stuff and meetings until close to 7pm. I know that teachers put in a lot of hours "outside the classroom" but I didn't think I would be doing all that from inside my classroom until almost sun down.
My classroom... it's still such a crazy concept. I mean, I know that I have been teaching (or at least trying to) for about 5 years now, but it's still so exciting to say MY classroom. It's not perfect. I actually have a million things I want to change, but this is at least a starting point. It's only the 3rd week of the school year, but it really feels like it's just flying by. It's actually quite overwhelming.
So, I got this job at Edgewood High School in West Covina. It was actually my 3rd interview for the school. For whatever reason they didn't pick me after the 2nd round. I got the rejection letter and was bummed but not too surprised because it is an IB school (very goal oriented, high achieving, etc.) and I have gotten a million rejects this summer, so what's another one? The next day I see the job posted again. WTF?! So more so out of spite and frustration I figured "fuck it!" and applied again. I honestly thought I wouldn't get another interview because they'd recognize my name and not want to see me again. My mistake! I got called a few days later. I interviewed Thursday (going straight to another interview and then to rehearsal), I got a call from one of my references later that night telling me they had called him. So I was hopeful. Next morning I literally woke up to one of the best phone calls ever, telling me that they wanted to hire me but it wouldn't be official until HR called later that day. I was jumping up and down. I called Jon and told him (even though it was 7:30am and he had only gone to sleep an hour before). Monday I started staff development, Tuesday I signed my contract, Wednesday was the first day of school. Talk about quick! But hey, after coming in part way through the semester last year, this was a blessing.
I'm crazy stressed out and don't feel super confident, but I keep reminding myself its early and things will (hopefully?) calm down soon.
It is bittersweet because part of this job was starting a color guard at the school. Right now that's all up in the air (long story), but I really have zero free time for things outside this school. I know I was able to coach and still work last year, but that was only a temporary job. I went into that school year knowing I would not be at Sierra Vista for more than the 2014-2015 school year. So it made sense to not sever ties completely. I don't like uncertainty and if I have one constant, I'm going to hold on to it. I knew that I was going to need something after SV, in case I didn't get a job right away, and Cal was my safety net.
Once I told Nordquist about Edgewood he was so excited for me and was totally understanding that I would be missing band camp. I went to Cal's preview show that Friday at the end of my first week, and they had done so much without me. Stephanie had things (mostly) under control. I ended up going to their rehearsal last Monday since Stephanie couldn't be there. and at the end of the night I asked Doug what kind of commitment was he expecting from me? None. He basically set me free. I have a loyalty to Cal, I always will, and I think he knew that it would never be easy for me to just leave without knowing it was going to be ok. I still plan on going to a show or two. And I definitely want to say goodbye to the kids (I refuse to let myself do to them what Jen did, because I saw how much that hurt them and I don't want to do that), but my time as a color guard coach at California High School had come to an end.
BUT! Exciting things are on the horizon! New job means more moneys! Which means finally moving out of this place! I love my parents, they know I do, but I want to leave the nest. I want to have a place of my own. And really it would be me and Jon. It's still crazy that my parents aren't completely freaking out that we want to move in together, but I think they know this isn't just a fleeting relationship. Plus he's 30 and I'm 28, we can make our own decisions. I mean, it was gonna happen regardless of their blessing, but it's nice to know they're not going to disown me.
Right now we're looking at the San Dimas/Covina/Glendora area. I don't want to live in West Covina because it would be weird to be neighbors with a student. Plus for the time being he works in Ontario and goes to school in Corona. And it's not like we're moving right now (though trust me, I've thought about it). The goal is December. Because I'll have 2 weeks off to move things, and that give Jon time to look for something closer this way and finish a class. But he's still helping his parents out a lot, and if we live together he won't be able to do that (cuz as much as I've joked with him about it, I'm NOT a sugar mama). So while it's not exciting as the recent news that 2 of my favorite people just got engaged, but it's nice to have something to look forward to on the horizon for Jon and I. We basically live together on the weekends, but really living together will be a big step. And December will also be our 2 year anniversary, so perfect timing for a next step in my book.
Monday, March 30, 2015
7 (ish) more weeks left in the school year. That's really not that much time. I'm already freaking out about how I'm going to get through the rest of the curriculum in that amount of time. But that's not what I've come to write about. I'm here to talk about my on-going battles with horrible anxiety.
You would think that this far into the school year I wouldn't be having panic attacks on Sunday nights just at the thought of having to be in front of all those students. You would think. But alas, I still have major anxiety. I took some meds for a little while but the prescription ran out, and to be honest, it didn't really help all that much to warrant going back to see a doctor and get more. I now just take a little bit of Zquil to help me sleep when the anxiety is too bad (that's really all the xanax did anyway).
You would think that this far into the school year I wouldn't be having panic attacks on Sunday nights just at the thought of having to be in front of all those students. You would think. But alas, I still have major anxiety. I took some meds for a little while but the prescription ran out, and to be honest, it didn't really help all that much to warrant going back to see a doctor and get more. I now just take a little bit of Zquil to help me sleep when the anxiety is too bad (that's really all the xanax did anyway).
I think my body has just become used to the anxiety. I'm not sure if I'm really even anxious any more, or if my body just expects to be anxious, so it gets that way. I would love to wake up on a Monday, and just be able to go to work without feeling like I'm going to burst into tears at any moment, or feel like I can't breathe. I get up WAY TOO EARLY to teach, and my mom has graciously let me wake her up at that ungodly hour to talk about what's bothering me, and reassure me that I'm not going to screw up too much or do something incredibly wrong. It's really been a big help. For a while after I started, when I was still having MAJOR issues with classroom management and behavior (which aren't all that much better, but still better), I was waking my mom every morning. I felt terrible. Plus, you feel a little silly waking your mom up to talk with you before you go off to a job like being a teacher. How am I supposed to shape the youth of America when I still need my mom to tell me I'm going to be okay before heading out the door? It's actually embarrassing. But it did help.
This morning I really tried to buck up and push through. I got through the morning with no tears. And without having to wake my mom up to talk. But I still had that heavy feeling in my chest like I couldn't breathe. It sucked. At least this morning wasn't too much of me teaching, more students doing. Yet I some how managed to break my favorite coffee cup and spill coffee all over myself in front of the class. So that kind of broke the resolve I had. I didn't cry until their brunch break, when there were no students in my room. But I cried. I honestly wanted to fake being sick and leave. But I pushed through. It sucked, but I made it happen.
It's the week before Spring Break. I'm burnt out and need a break big time, and the kids are no helping. They need a break too, and I feel like I'm pulling them kicking and screaming. I've had to become phone nazi. I've given 2 detentions already for using phones without permission. And I start every period with a friendly reminder but keeping them away. I don't want to be a prison warden, but that's what it feels like right now.
The kids are also getting super lazy and entitled. The grading period ends on Thursday, and I have close to 30 (less but it's still up there) students failing between all of my classes. Most of them are in ONE class period. I've tried calling home, I've tried hovering... they just do not do anything. They'd rather sit there all period doing nothing, staring into space, than do their work and pass the class. I think I'll have to remind them that I'm teaching summer school, so unless they want to do this ALL OVER AGAIN with me, they need to start doing something now. I've given them 2 group projects so far this semester, both we went over the directions in detail and I reminded them of what they needed to do multiple times, and I had people turn NOTHING in! C'mon! Then... oh, this made me almost want to scream today. Then, some of the former A students who were mad they their grade dropped started saying that I should curve the projects since no one got a good grade, and they should still get an A even though they didn't do A work on their projects. I told them we could discuss the projects after class. But in my head I was screaming at the top of my lungs. The last project was a poster. They were given 3 days in class, and I had people literally DO NOTHING! And some of them are the ones saying that I should curve things.
Oh yeah? I should curve it? I should give you credit for not following the directions, for wasting MY time? I stayed after school on days that aren't my normal tutoring hours to help kids, and only one or 2 showed up. I spend hours grading and even went back and gave more points to people because I felt generous. Do not ask me to curve an assignment that you chose to half ass. Even my A students didn't do A work. Just because you had an A before, does not mean you're guaranteed to keep that grade. You get the grade you earn, and if that makes me a bitch, oh well. I've been told that if the student or parents complains enough the principal might ask me to change the grade. Well, nope. I don't have a job there next year right now. I'm going to stand my ground because I'm kind of in a nothing to lose position.
Anyway, rant over.
I was going to talk about Jon and girly stuff but I've kind of used all my energy for the time being, so I'm gonna sign off.
Monday, March 2, 2015
While watching the news with my mom today, I saw a story about a local teacher committing suicide in their classroom and being found by students.
This wasn't a teacher I knew, nor a school I went to/taught at. But this really hit home to me.
I've had depression before. I struggle with pretty bad anxiety right now. (I was crying almost all night and all morning because I was worrying about work. In fact, students could tell something was wrong and at least one student in every class period commented that I looked sad, or sick, or tired.) But it's really hard for me to think about ever doing something like so drastic as killing myself in my own classroom.
All I could think was, those poor students! They will forever live with that image in their minds. That's terrible. Then as I looked up more information on the story, I found that the woman wasn't much older than me, and she was married. How could someone so young, with so much life left... with a husband, just throw that all away. It's hard to imagine someone doing that. But that's what's so hard about mental illness, it's not always easy to see inside the head of the person or understand how they feel the way they feel.
I'm not much of the praying type, but I want to say a little prayer for her students, coworkers, and family. It's hard to lose someone and I can't imagine the pain these people are going through. Not to blame the victim in this scenario, but it's selfish to do this to people who love and care about you. I know that as much as I'm overwhelmed and anxious lately, I could never do something like that to all the people I know who care about me. I could never hurt my parents that way, my friends. I could never do that to Jon.
So this kind of helped put some of my anxiety into perspective. As tough as things are, as much as I feel like I'm drowning in work, I know it could be worse.
This wasn't a teacher I knew, nor a school I went to/taught at. But this really hit home to me.
I've had depression before. I struggle with pretty bad anxiety right now. (I was crying almost all night and all morning because I was worrying about work. In fact, students could tell something was wrong and at least one student in every class period commented that I looked sad, or sick, or tired.) But it's really hard for me to think about ever doing something like so drastic as killing myself in my own classroom.
All I could think was, those poor students! They will forever live with that image in their minds. That's terrible. Then as I looked up more information on the story, I found that the woman wasn't much older than me, and she was married. How could someone so young, with so much life left... with a husband, just throw that all away. It's hard to imagine someone doing that. But that's what's so hard about mental illness, it's not always easy to see inside the head of the person or understand how they feel the way they feel.
I'm not much of the praying type, but I want to say a little prayer for her students, coworkers, and family. It's hard to lose someone and I can't imagine the pain these people are going through. Not to blame the victim in this scenario, but it's selfish to do this to people who love and care about you. I know that as much as I'm overwhelmed and anxious lately, I could never do something like that to all the people I know who care about me. I could never hurt my parents that way, my friends. I could never do that to Jon.
So this kind of helped put some of my anxiety into perspective. As tough as things are, as much as I feel like I'm drowning in work, I know it could be worse.
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Thank you to my Ex-Boyfriends
Last night, while trying to fall asleep and reminiscing more than usual, I thought of something. Now, I don't pray or anything all that often, but I actually decided to say a prayer last night after thinking of this idea. Here's what I can remember.
Dear God,
Thank you for my ex-boyfriends. Thank you for bringing Chris, Kyle, Billy, Noah, Chris, Adam, Kevin, Zach, and Noah (again, pretty much) into my life. If it weren't for these boys, and yes they were all boys, I would have never realized what I wanted in a man. If it weren't for all of them, I'm not sure I would have Jon in my life now. It seems strange to be thankful for all the heartache, cried tears, anger and frustration, but I am. I am so thankful for all of it.
I made mistakes with all of them. I'm not calling the relationships themselves mistakes, but the things I did or what I thought I should or shouldn't do in those relationships were some of the mistakes. And they weren't all my mistakes, either. That's sometimes one of the hardest things for me to remember. They were all learning experiences. I learned how to tone down my clinginess, how to be more selfless and sometimes more selfish. I learned that I can't control how someone else feels, no matter what I do. I worked out a lot of the kinks. I know I'm still working somethings out, but I at least know what I'm ready and willing to do in a relationship, and what's a definite deal breaker.
In each of those boys I saw part of a greater picture. It was like I finished a big part of a puzzle, but I still had a million pieces left. None of them were everything I wanted. To be honest, I'm not sure any one person can truly live up to every expectation that someone has when they create the "perfect partner" in their mind. But my exes were nowhere near what I wanted and, in some cases, nowhere near what I deserved. I've been fortunate that most of these boys are generally good people. Like me, they were just immature when we dated. We still had a lot to learn about life, love, etc. We had a lot to learn about ourselves. I was totally that girl who would change what she liked to get a boy to like me. I look back and hate myself a little, but I was naive. I didn't realize that being myself would get me someone who truly loves me for me. That I didn't need to be like girls in magazines, or even like other girls in my classes (or usually other girls in drum corps) for a guy to fall in love with me. I love make-up and wearing dresses just as much as I love video games and dinosaurs. And that's okay. It took all of these boys to help me realize that.
If it weren't for all the fumbles, all the over analyzing, fights, long talks with friends... I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't know the things I know about relationships. I'm still figuring out so much, and I know that I will be my whole life. Might be the teacher in me talking, but you're never done learning. But all of the experiences I had helped make me who I am, and have helped me be part of a wonderful relationship with Jon. I could not be more thankful for him. While nothing is set in stone, and who knows what could happen tomorrow, I feel like I've really met the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. And he feels that way about me.
So, thank you for my exes. They helped me see who I am, what I could be, and what I don't want to be. They were all practice for now.
Amen.
Dear God,
Thank you for my ex-boyfriends. Thank you for bringing Chris, Kyle, Billy, Noah, Chris, Adam, Kevin, Zach, and Noah (again, pretty much) into my life. If it weren't for these boys, and yes they were all boys, I would have never realized what I wanted in a man. If it weren't for all of them, I'm not sure I would have Jon in my life now. It seems strange to be thankful for all the heartache, cried tears, anger and frustration, but I am. I am so thankful for all of it.
I made mistakes with all of them. I'm not calling the relationships themselves mistakes, but the things I did or what I thought I should or shouldn't do in those relationships were some of the mistakes. And they weren't all my mistakes, either. That's sometimes one of the hardest things for me to remember. They were all learning experiences. I learned how to tone down my clinginess, how to be more selfless and sometimes more selfish. I learned that I can't control how someone else feels, no matter what I do. I worked out a lot of the kinks. I know I'm still working somethings out, but I at least know what I'm ready and willing to do in a relationship, and what's a definite deal breaker.
In each of those boys I saw part of a greater picture. It was like I finished a big part of a puzzle, but I still had a million pieces left. None of them were everything I wanted. To be honest, I'm not sure any one person can truly live up to every expectation that someone has when they create the "perfect partner" in their mind. But my exes were nowhere near what I wanted and, in some cases, nowhere near what I deserved. I've been fortunate that most of these boys are generally good people. Like me, they were just immature when we dated. We still had a lot to learn about life, love, etc. We had a lot to learn about ourselves. I was totally that girl who would change what she liked to get a boy to like me. I look back and hate myself a little, but I was naive. I didn't realize that being myself would get me someone who truly loves me for me. That I didn't need to be like girls in magazines, or even like other girls in my classes (or usually other girls in drum corps) for a guy to fall in love with me. I love make-up and wearing dresses just as much as I love video games and dinosaurs. And that's okay. It took all of these boys to help me realize that.
If it weren't for all the fumbles, all the over analyzing, fights, long talks with friends... I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't know the things I know about relationships. I'm still figuring out so much, and I know that I will be my whole life. Might be the teacher in me talking, but you're never done learning. But all of the experiences I had helped make me who I am, and have helped me be part of a wonderful relationship with Jon. I could not be more thankful for him. While nothing is set in stone, and who knows what could happen tomorrow, I feel like I've really met the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. And he feels that way about me.
So, thank you for my exes. They helped me see who I am, what I could be, and what I don't want to be. They were all practice for now.
Amen.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Almost-versary
Lately I've been very busy trying to be a good teacher. I also got in a minor car accident. As much as I'm stressed because of all the things, only 1 thing is on my mind right now: about 10 days until mine and Jon's anniversary.
We couldn't decide on an exact "date" for our anniversary See, he never actually asked me to be his girlfriend. After 3-4 dates I asked when I could start calling him my boyfriend, and he told me he'd already told his mom I was his girlfriend. So we just were haha. I technically remember this date, because like a typical girl, I put it on facebook. You know, how you're supposed to do with major life updates. How else are people supposed to know? You mean actually talk to someone?! That's crazy.
But I digress. We decided to count our first "official" date as our anniversary. December 14, 2013. It's coming up so fast. I still can't believe that this year has gone by so quickly, let alone that we're still so head over heels for each other. I've said this a bunch, but I've honestly found my soul mate. I'm dating my best friend. Insert other cheesy cliches.
Yes, I know that realistically a year is not that long, but I still think it's crazy that I haven't scared him off yet. Somehow, despite all of my faults, all of my anxieties (lately especially), all of my weird quirks... this man still loves me and wants to be in my life and me in his. (I'd also like to point out that both of our respective parents have been married for 30+ years and dated about a year before getting engaged... just saying...)
Today is a good example. I've been really struggling with classroom management. It's always been what I've struggled with. It's kept me from getting teaching jobs in the past, and I've known that I need to work on it. I asked the administration for help, and the response was basically I've waited too long to be strict (it's been a month and a half since I started) and the students think they can walk all over me. It really sucked to hear, but it was a reality check. Now, the admins are still happy to help me out and have been supportive. So have the other teachers, giving me tips and telling my what's worked for them. So today I decided I needed to follow through with giving a referral (basically, a suspension), stop giving so many warnings and empty threats. I need to show I'm not a push over. I was totally nervous, and woke up this morning almost in tears from the anxiety. I text Jon when I was about to leave the house because I was just so anxious. Usually he's asleep when I'm getting up because of the whole getting home from work at 3am business, so I didn't expect a response. Instead I get him calling me. We talked on the phone my whole way to work and for a few minutes while I was getting things ready for the day in my classroom. He said a bunch of encouraging things and kind of rambled a bit (he may have been sleepy & tipsy... he had a few beers after work haha). It totally made my day, and gave me the motivation I needed to do what I needed to (btw, sent a kid to the office, changed my problem class's seats and only face minor complaining. Success... just need to keep it up)
For the last few weeks Jon and I have been talking about whenever I get a more permanent job (like, hopefully my district hires me back for next year), I will be able to move out... and he could kind of, you know, be there all the time. It's been our cute way of talking about moving in together. He wants to make sure he can still help his parents and afford to support himself. Totally responsible. But the more and more we talk about this stuff, the more I really can't wait for it to happen. Thanksgiving allowed me to spend a lot more time with him. We split the time between his house and mine, and I got to spend Thursday - Monday (well, until I needed to leave for work) with him. It was the best. Getting to have him kiss me and tell me to have a good day before work was one of the best feelings ever. I want that every day. Monday was also when I got the reality check from my Asst. Principal, so I was having a shitty day. What does Jon do? Well, since he was still in the area (getting his car serviced), he decided to stop by my school during my prep period to give me some pastries from a bakery I like. And even though I had a lot of work to do and I was being really emotional, he was happy to just sit and let me vent for a few minutes before I had to dash back to my room to work.
This boy gets me. He is the most encouraging person in the world to me. Yes, I have lots of support from my friends and family. And I am so thankful and lucky for that. But, there's just something about when he says it... I know that he means it, that he really does believe in me and it helps me to believe it too.
The other night during a meltdown worthy panic attack I asked him if my anxiety was scaring him off. I was feeling extra insecure. He said he wasn't going anywhere, and I said he had too much patience with me.
More and more often these are the types of conversations we're having. I've already written that we've kind of had "the talk." But the more and more that we have these conversations... when he talks about us moving in together as if it'll happen any day now... when he goes above and beyond what most guys would do... I know that I've found the person I want to spend my life with.
Now, it's late and I have to be up in a few hours to say hi to my wonderful boyfriend when he gets off work.. shortly before needing to go to work myself... So I leave you with this John Legend song that I am in love with at the moment.
We couldn't decide on an exact "date" for our anniversary See, he never actually asked me to be his girlfriend. After 3-4 dates I asked when I could start calling him my boyfriend, and he told me he'd already told his mom I was his girlfriend. So we just were haha. I technically remember this date, because like a typical girl, I put it on facebook. You know, how you're supposed to do with major life updates. How else are people supposed to know? You mean actually talk to someone?! That's crazy.
But I digress. We decided to count our first "official" date as our anniversary. December 14, 2013. It's coming up so fast. I still can't believe that this year has gone by so quickly, let alone that we're still so head over heels for each other. I've said this a bunch, but I've honestly found my soul mate. I'm dating my best friend. Insert other cheesy cliches.
Yes, I know that realistically a year is not that long, but I still think it's crazy that I haven't scared him off yet. Somehow, despite all of my faults, all of my anxieties (lately especially), all of my weird quirks... this man still loves me and wants to be in my life and me in his. (I'd also like to point out that both of our respective parents have been married for 30+ years and dated about a year before getting engaged... just saying...)
Today is a good example. I've been really struggling with classroom management. It's always been what I've struggled with. It's kept me from getting teaching jobs in the past, and I've known that I need to work on it. I asked the administration for help, and the response was basically I've waited too long to be strict (it's been a month and a half since I started) and the students think they can walk all over me. It really sucked to hear, but it was a reality check. Now, the admins are still happy to help me out and have been supportive. So have the other teachers, giving me tips and telling my what's worked for them. So today I decided I needed to follow through with giving a referral (basically, a suspension), stop giving so many warnings and empty threats. I need to show I'm not a push over. I was totally nervous, and woke up this morning almost in tears from the anxiety. I text Jon when I was about to leave the house because I was just so anxious. Usually he's asleep when I'm getting up because of the whole getting home from work at 3am business, so I didn't expect a response. Instead I get him calling me. We talked on the phone my whole way to work and for a few minutes while I was getting things ready for the day in my classroom. He said a bunch of encouraging things and kind of rambled a bit (he may have been sleepy & tipsy... he had a few beers after work haha). It totally made my day, and gave me the motivation I needed to do what I needed to (btw, sent a kid to the office, changed my problem class's seats and only face minor complaining. Success... just need to keep it up)
For the last few weeks Jon and I have been talking about whenever I get a more permanent job (like, hopefully my district hires me back for next year), I will be able to move out... and he could kind of, you know, be there all the time. It's been our cute way of talking about moving in together. He wants to make sure he can still help his parents and afford to support himself. Totally responsible. But the more and more we talk about this stuff, the more I really can't wait for it to happen. Thanksgiving allowed me to spend a lot more time with him. We split the time between his house and mine, and I got to spend Thursday - Monday (well, until I needed to leave for work) with him. It was the best. Getting to have him kiss me and tell me to have a good day before work was one of the best feelings ever. I want that every day. Monday was also when I got the reality check from my Asst. Principal, so I was having a shitty day. What does Jon do? Well, since he was still in the area (getting his car serviced), he decided to stop by my school during my prep period to give me some pastries from a bakery I like. And even though I had a lot of work to do and I was being really emotional, he was happy to just sit and let me vent for a few minutes before I had to dash back to my room to work.
This boy gets me. He is the most encouraging person in the world to me. Yes, I have lots of support from my friends and family. And I am so thankful and lucky for that. But, there's just something about when he says it... I know that he means it, that he really does believe in me and it helps me to believe it too.
The other night during a meltdown worthy panic attack I asked him if my anxiety was scaring him off. I was feeling extra insecure. He said he wasn't going anywhere, and I said he had too much patience with me.
Now, it's late and I have to be up in a few hours to say hi to my wonderful boyfriend when he gets off work.. shortly before needing to go to work myself... So I leave you with this John Legend song that I am in love with at the moment.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)