No, I'm not engaged. I know that my title is a little misleading. But after this weekend, I almost feel like I am.
This weekend I went to Jon's cousin's wedding. This was actually my first time meeting a lot of these family members, so I was a little stressed out all weekend. Before heading to the wedding, there was an emergency vet visit for Jon's dog Frankie (I've never seen Jon so worried). He had a seizure while sitting on his dad's lap. Then, Jon was in the wedding so I actually had to spend a good chunk of the wedding without him. I talked a lot with his mom. Once the reception happened, it was kind of all fun from there. I was at a table with Jon, his brother and the other Samantha (yeah, his brother is dating a girl named Samantha too), and his 2 cousin's who are almost like sisters, and the one cousin's boyfriend.
I told myself at the beginning of the weekend I wasn't going to be shy and just sit there all night. I was really bad at the first 2 weddings we went to together (since we've been to so many together now haha). So I really made an effort to be as outgoing as I could be. I willingly went on the dance floor I tried to talk to people and be myself as much as possible. I had so much fun.
When it got toward the end of the evening, it came time for the bouquet toss. Now, I wanted to make sure that it didn't look like I was really trying, but I was totally really trying. I kind of reluctantly got up to go out on the floor only after one of his cousin's got up. When I stood there, I kind of made sure I was in the middle of the floor. I looked to where the bride was, and tried to figure where she'd throw it. The girls from our table were all on the left of me, a little off to the side. Now, in all honesty, one of Jon's cousin's will most likely be the next one to get married. She's been dating her boyfriend for a few years now and they just bought a house together. But, for this fleeting moment, I wanted to be the one to catch that bouquet. Luckily for me, the girls I stood behind were shorter than me (I love wearing heels sometimes haha), and all I had to do was reach up. I'm pretty sure I had a look of sheer shock on my face once I caught it. I mean, Jon and I haven't even been dating a year yet (one more month until the anniversary), and on top of it this was my first time meeting a lot of these people. So I was kind of like "did that just happen?!" Jon's family wanted to give me a bunch of hugs. His mom said, "I'm sorry, but I just have to hug you right now." Then, of course, they start egging him on, saying how he's gotta catch the guarder now. He didn't, but more on that in a little bit.
It was a great evening, and I couldn't have had a better time. That night I just got to cuddle with him and I was completely content. I've made it no secret here that I want to marry Jon one day. Not necessarily right now (though I'm the most impatient person in the world and would absolutely love that), but one day. I've kind of had a sort of ish conversation about this stuff before with Jon, but it wasn't really the most informative conversation. I couldn't even say anything really. I've been wanting to have an actual conversation about this kind of stuff with him, and after the whole bouquet thing, I felt like may this was my ice breaker. After some panic attacks because I hate having to leave on Sunday nights and I get super stressed out because of work, I somehow found the courage to tell him that I was really trying hard to catch that bouquet. He said, "who says I wasn't trying to catch that guarder?" Not that I was trying to imply that he wasn't trying, but he was just making a point to show that he was trying too. I ended up giving him my phone, because I was still too nervous to actually say the questions I wanted to ask, and I showed him a conversation I had actually just had with Summer earlier in the week. I had told her how much I wanted to bring it up with him but I wasn't sure how to bring up the "m" word. I let him read that whole conversation, and when he finished he asked what I meant by the "m" word. I began blushing and getting flustered, of course. He told me that just because he plays dumb doesn't mean he is dumb. He's kind of known I've wanted to talk to him about it, seeing how fast I change what's on my phone when I've been pinteresting wedding type stuff. He said he was waiting for me to have the guts to say something. And that I'm a smart girl who should have a lot more confidence in myself. I'm never going to be 100% sure of anything, and I need to take a chance every once in a while. And I already know that I shouldn't be afraid to say anything to him if he's the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Jon let me know that Summer was right when she said that he wants to wait until he's done with school and stuff, but he loves me and sees us together for a very long time. I told him that I don't expect anything right now, I just want to have the security of knowing that I'm not going to have my heart broken 1 or 2 or 5 years from now. I want to know that it's in the realm of possibilities, something that he wants too. And yes, he does. Of course, I'm going to stress and panic about everything always because that's just who I am, and he knows that (he made sure to remind me that I let him know that from the beginning and he's understanding) but it made me feel so much better and so much more at ease all day just because I know that he wants the same things that I want. I think I've been certain for at least the last 4 months that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Which is completely terrifying to me haha. Not that I'm terrified, but just that I'm so certain and so sure after such a short time. I'm not 100% sure that he's as certain or sure as I am, but that's ok. Like I said, I'm not expecting a ring any time soon. I mean, I'd like to be married before I'm 30, but I know it's not going to happen before he's 30 (since that's just about 7 months away haha). I love him, and he loves me. And right now that's all I can ever hope for. And I know that he's not going anywhere, which is definitely a bonus.
Of course the whole ride home from his house last night I was having girly fantasies about everything under the sun. In my head I already have picked out who my bridesmaids would be, what kind of ring I'd want.... (I may have taken him to Macys earlier in the day to do some "christmas shopping" and I may have lingered around the jewelry display for some really beautiful sapphire rings, because I'm weird and for some reason I have it in my head that I don't know if I'd necessarily want a big fancy diamond. Sapphires are a pretty dark blue, and a round sapphire with a little halo of diamonds on a white gold setting.... I mean, not that I've been looking or anything... haha... and I'm not saying I wouldn't be opposed to a diamond either. He'll pick out the perfect ring when the time comes).
But, since as it's taken me a few hours to write this (because I am exhausted and easily distracted) I'm going to call it a night.
Monday, November 10, 2014
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
It's been a while...
I have a million other things I should probably be doing right now, but I feel like I need to do something that isn't school related for a little while.
I got the job that I talked about interviewing for in the last post. It's been a great and completely overwhelming experience. I found out about a week after the interview. Not even a week, actually. I got the call while I was coaching color guard. My guard kids all ran over and gave me a hug because I was so happy I was on the verge of tears. I told the band director and he gave me a big hug, he knows how long I've been working for this.
I feel like I have so much to talk about but not even remotely enough time. It took forever to actually get in my classroom. Lots of paper work and bureaucracy. I got to meet my classes a few times before starting. It was good and bad because I got to see what I was in for. I'm teaching 1 period of US history, 4 periods of World history... one of which is all English Learners. I have to have a translator in the classroom with me just so students can kind of have an idea of what is going on.
I started the job on October 15th. It was the PSAT, so I actually only got to see one class. The next day was the Great Shake Out, so disaster drill during my largest, most chaotic class.
I've been through so many things so far. I've had LOTS of help from other teachers. I've made at least one friend and my department seems great so far. I "officially" started BTSA yesterday. I have so much I should be doing for that right now.
Apparently I just like having too much going on in my life. I'm still coaching color guard, for now. I want to keep being involved in some way, but I'm not really sure how long I can keep it up the way I've been doing. I was saying not too long ago that this may be my last year. At the time, it seemed like a good idea, like something I wanted. But now that the decision is kind of becoming final without me having too much say, I'm really wishing I could keep doing it. I love color guard. I've been doing it in some way for 13 years. Most of that time has been teaching it. I really hate the idea of leaving those students half way through the year. I was actually looking forward to winter guard, now I know that I really won't be able to be there for it. I've already started kind of talking my exit strategy with Nordquist. In my head, it makes sense to have Lynsey come back and replace me. If nothing else, just until the end of the school year. I love Stephanie, and I'm sure she'll be fine with the kids without me. But I know that Crystal can't really be there all the time and I trust Lynsey so much. I said I could be a "consultant," coming in whenever I can, going to a few shows. But the reality is, I have SO much I need to do at my "big girl" job. I need to focus my time and energy on teaching.
That being said, I still want to have a life too. I actually had another Social Studies teacher pop her head in my room after school today (I rarely leave before 3:30 when school ends at 3) and say, "Go home! Remember, you have a life outside of here. They don't put murphy beds in the classrooms!" And she's right. I've been working for probably 3ish hours since being home on planning lessons. I have a bunch of paper work and journals I need to write for my BTSA Support Provider by next thursday. I have a million teacher things to do. But I have friend things, and girlfriend things too. Friday I have to drive all the way to Claremont for Jon's cousin's rehearsal dinner, then I'm going with him to the wedding on Saturday. I'm just going to be meeting pretty much all the family I haven't met yet, no pressure or anything. I want to make sure when I'm with him on weekends, I'm spending that time with him and not working on things. I only get to see him those few days, I don't want to spend that precious time typing on my computer when I can be joking or talking or cuddling with him. I'm also been talking with Summer about how serious I am about Jon, and how I'm thinking about talking to him about it. He's just as much a priority as teaching. We're talking trips, he was talking about futures the other day where we apparently own 5 dogs... This is just as important to me as anything else. He has been my little cheerleader. I've been having BAD anxiety attacks. Mostly at the beginning of the week. Mondays are hard, they suck. Students are cranky, I'm still getting my feet on the ground. Usually I run into more behavior problems at the beginning of the week. It's been rough. Jon has dealt with SO many crazy texts that prove I should probably get checked out for something. I am constantly crying and a wreck, or telling him how much I love and appreciate him and how much he supports me. I feel like I'm being a crappy girlfriend and not supporting him as much as I should. I'm trying but it's hard to juggle everything. But he's been my rock. I've been able to cry to him about everything and he gives me a new perspective on things.
It feels like my future is coming true but not entirely. Like this job, only a one year position. I get to be a real teacher for one year, then who knows what'll happen. They said they'll do their best to keep me but it doesn't look like enrollment will call for another teacher. Jon, well, things are pretty darn made up in my mind. I can see myself growing old with him. I want to be there with him for everything. I would love to get some confirmation from him that he wants that too. I would love a ring, but I don't even need that just yet. I just want peace of mind knowing that he wants something like that in the future. I told Summer, I'm channeling all of my anxieties about work into other anxieties to make things more bearable.
Alright. I now wake up at 5:30 on a daily basis and I'm exhausted. Until next time!
I got the job that I talked about interviewing for in the last post. It's been a great and completely overwhelming experience. I found out about a week after the interview. Not even a week, actually. I got the call while I was coaching color guard. My guard kids all ran over and gave me a hug because I was so happy I was on the verge of tears. I told the band director and he gave me a big hug, he knows how long I've been working for this.
I feel like I have so much to talk about but not even remotely enough time. It took forever to actually get in my classroom. Lots of paper work and bureaucracy. I got to meet my classes a few times before starting. It was good and bad because I got to see what I was in for. I'm teaching 1 period of US history, 4 periods of World history... one of which is all English Learners. I have to have a translator in the classroom with me just so students can kind of have an idea of what is going on.
I started the job on October 15th. It was the PSAT, so I actually only got to see one class. The next day was the Great Shake Out, so disaster drill during my largest, most chaotic class.
I've been through so many things so far. I've had LOTS of help from other teachers. I've made at least one friend and my department seems great so far. I "officially" started BTSA yesterday. I have so much I should be doing for that right now.
Apparently I just like having too much going on in my life. I'm still coaching color guard, for now. I want to keep being involved in some way, but I'm not really sure how long I can keep it up the way I've been doing. I was saying not too long ago that this may be my last year. At the time, it seemed like a good idea, like something I wanted. But now that the decision is kind of becoming final without me having too much say, I'm really wishing I could keep doing it. I love color guard. I've been doing it in some way for 13 years. Most of that time has been teaching it. I really hate the idea of leaving those students half way through the year. I was actually looking forward to winter guard, now I know that I really won't be able to be there for it. I've already started kind of talking my exit strategy with Nordquist. In my head, it makes sense to have Lynsey come back and replace me. If nothing else, just until the end of the school year. I love Stephanie, and I'm sure she'll be fine with the kids without me. But I know that Crystal can't really be there all the time and I trust Lynsey so much. I said I could be a "consultant," coming in whenever I can, going to a few shows. But the reality is, I have SO much I need to do at my "big girl" job. I need to focus my time and energy on teaching.
That being said, I still want to have a life too. I actually had another Social Studies teacher pop her head in my room after school today (I rarely leave before 3:30 when school ends at 3) and say, "Go home! Remember, you have a life outside of here. They don't put murphy beds in the classrooms!" And she's right. I've been working for probably 3ish hours since being home on planning lessons. I have a bunch of paper work and journals I need to write for my BTSA Support Provider by next thursday. I have a million teacher things to do. But I have friend things, and girlfriend things too. Friday I have to drive all the way to Claremont for Jon's cousin's rehearsal dinner, then I'm going with him to the wedding on Saturday. I'm just going to be meeting pretty much all the family I haven't met yet, no pressure or anything. I want to make sure when I'm with him on weekends, I'm spending that time with him and not working on things. I only get to see him those few days, I don't want to spend that precious time typing on my computer when I can be joking or talking or cuddling with him. I'm also been talking with Summer about how serious I am about Jon, and how I'm thinking about talking to him about it. He's just as much a priority as teaching. We're talking trips, he was talking about futures the other day where we apparently own 5 dogs... This is just as important to me as anything else. He has been my little cheerleader. I've been having BAD anxiety attacks. Mostly at the beginning of the week. Mondays are hard, they suck. Students are cranky, I'm still getting my feet on the ground. Usually I run into more behavior problems at the beginning of the week. It's been rough. Jon has dealt with SO many crazy texts that prove I should probably get checked out for something. I am constantly crying and a wreck, or telling him how much I love and appreciate him and how much he supports me. I feel like I'm being a crappy girlfriend and not supporting him as much as I should. I'm trying but it's hard to juggle everything. But he's been my rock. I've been able to cry to him about everything and he gives me a new perspective on things.
It feels like my future is coming true but not entirely. Like this job, only a one year position. I get to be a real teacher for one year, then who knows what'll happen. They said they'll do their best to keep me but it doesn't look like enrollment will call for another teacher. Jon, well, things are pretty darn made up in my mind. I can see myself growing old with him. I want to be there with him for everything. I would love to get some confirmation from him that he wants that too. I would love a ring, but I don't even need that just yet. I just want peace of mind knowing that he wants something like that in the future. I told Summer, I'm channeling all of my anxieties about work into other anxieties to make things more bearable.
Alright. I now wake up at 5:30 on a daily basis and I'm exhausted. Until next time!
Monday, September 22, 2014
Motivational Poster
Have you ever seen a motivational poster? Some random landscape with an inspiration quote... or the cat hanging from a branch with "Hang in there" written above him. That's the one that Jon referred to when he called himself my motivational poster. Because of going on so many failed interviews, and having to overcome some other obstacles I'll get into later, I'm usually not the most optimistic when I have another interview.
So this past Friday I had an interview. The fact that I'm still getting called for interviews almost 2 months into the school year is weird to me, but I'm not going to turn them down. Anyway, I got a call about this interview last Monday... my computer died the Friday before that. Now, why does that matter you might ask? Well, this interview required writing a lesson on a particular standard, using a specific format, and including a bunch of other adaptations. So not having a working computer made this whole process a little tough.
To get the computer stuff out of the way really quick, my hard drive crapped out on me. I took it somewhere to get backed up before I took it to Apple (because they don't do data recovery and they were basically just gonna give me a new hard drive). They weren't able to get everything, and it took 3 days even though I was quoted a few hours. I ran around So Cal trying to get my computer fixed in a timely manner and basically everyone told me I wouldn't have it fixed before the weekend... Cut to Thursday, I walk into the Apple store and just ask nicely if they could take a look without an appointment... I'm seen within 5 minutes and get my computer back that afternoon. Awesome customer service. Now back to the interview story.
On top of not having a computer, I just had a very busy week in general. Subbing, rehearsals, doctors appointments... I was out of the house more than I was home. It made getting the lesson prepared that much more stressful. I tried to write as much of the lesson, or at least an outline, while subbing. I used my mom's computer whenever she didn't need it. I was really thinking of telling the school that I just couldn't do the interview because I didn't think I could do the lesson in time.
This is where my "motivational poster" comes into play. In the past I've turned to my friends whenever I'm having doubts or not feeling confident. They're always supportive and well-meaning, but for some reason I get a little frustrated when bringing this kind of stuff up with them. Nothing on them, it's on me. They're usually honest and keep me grounded, but I'm stubborn and once I'm in a funk it's hard for me to get out of it. Since Jon and I have been dating, he's become my go-to with things like this. I'm not sure exactly why, but it's so much easier to tell him all me hopes, fears, anxieties and listen to his advice. Whenever I have ANY kind of anxiety, he's there to listen and tell me what I need to hear... whether it's what I want to hear or not. With interviews, he's been my little cheerleader. Even when I've felt terrible, he's there to keep my spirits up. Like when I interviewed in Lancaster, and cried because I just didn't want to have to go 2 hours away to find a job. He said he'd move out there with me, and told me how anywhere would be lucky to have me as a teacher and I shouldn't pass up even an interview opportunity because of a fear like that. Granted, I didn't get that job, that made me feel so much better going into that interview.
This time is a littler different. He knew about all the computer stuff and obstacles I had with this interview. When I felt like giving up he told me to think of him as my own cat poster, and that I should hang in there. I ended up having to cancel subbing on Thursday to have some extra time to write the lesson before the interview, and I tried to stay as focused a possible while doing it... and it may have paid off.
After the interview Friday I wasn't feeling great. Not terrible, either. I felt like I rambled, I didn't think I gave good answers. But when I left the school I was mostly just relieved to be over with the stress. Later that afternoon I got a call from Mr. Nordquist. I usually tell him about when I have an interview, because he's one of my other supporters and he's one of my references, but with the stress of the week I had completely forgotten to tell him about this one. He was calling to tell me that he had just gotten off the phone with Sierra Vista High School's assistant principal (where I just interviewed a few hours earlier). He said they were calling to check on my references...
... They usually only check references for the top 2 or 3 applicants.
At least that's what Summer said her district does, and what other people have told me about other districts. If they're calling my references, I may actually have a chance this time. I'm still not getting my hopes up; they told me I wouldn't know for about a week, week and a half. But that's gotta be something, right?
When I told Jon, he excitedly said how his motivational poster pep talks had worked. We went to Universal Studios on Saturday for Halloween Horror Nights, and the whole time Jon kept saying things like, "when you get the job..." He was talking about how this time next year he'd hopefully be transferred to a 4-year school, with a better job, and I'd be teaching full time. I want that so much it's not even funny.
I sometimes feel like a broken record when I write these blogs. I used to write about how depressed I was and how I didn't think I would ever find real love. Now all I write about is my boyfriend and how loved he makes me feel. I'm mostly writing this for myself, to remind myself of how truly lucky and blessed I am to have Jon in my life. I really do feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Little things that he does put a smile on my face all the time. He's so sweet and caring. He does so many things for me. He's always there for me. He's not perfect, and God knows I'm not either, but I really think we're perfect for each other. I feel like I can never do enough to thank him or repay him for all that he's done for me. I try as hard as I can to let him know how much I love and appreciate him. I know I've said before how I'm pretty damn certain he's the one, and I almost feel crazy for saying that before we've even been dating a year. But at the same time, how can I not say it? I have never felt so happy or loved, everything just feels right when I'm with him. I can see a future with him and it makes me smile. He's everything I could ever ask for and more. And I don't feel completely crazy because he sees a future too. He's said he sees us being together a long time, he talks about things down the road... so as much as nothing is ever completely certain, I don't feel as panicked thinking about what could be, because I know the possibility is very, very real.
I want my personal motivational poster to be there for all the things to come. Since the possibility of this job looks better than any other so far, I've started panicking that I'm not ready for it. Stressing out about what will happen if/when I get it. Jon has been there to tell me how I'm ready and I will do a great job. I love him so much. And I don't know if I would have the confidence in myself to get even this far without him.
So this past Friday I had an interview. The fact that I'm still getting called for interviews almost 2 months into the school year is weird to me, but I'm not going to turn them down. Anyway, I got a call about this interview last Monday... my computer died the Friday before that. Now, why does that matter you might ask? Well, this interview required writing a lesson on a particular standard, using a specific format, and including a bunch of other adaptations. So not having a working computer made this whole process a little tough.
To get the computer stuff out of the way really quick, my hard drive crapped out on me. I took it somewhere to get backed up before I took it to Apple (because they don't do data recovery and they were basically just gonna give me a new hard drive). They weren't able to get everything, and it took 3 days even though I was quoted a few hours. I ran around So Cal trying to get my computer fixed in a timely manner and basically everyone told me I wouldn't have it fixed before the weekend... Cut to Thursday, I walk into the Apple store and just ask nicely if they could take a look without an appointment... I'm seen within 5 minutes and get my computer back that afternoon. Awesome customer service. Now back to the interview story.
On top of not having a computer, I just had a very busy week in general. Subbing, rehearsals, doctors appointments... I was out of the house more than I was home. It made getting the lesson prepared that much more stressful. I tried to write as much of the lesson, or at least an outline, while subbing. I used my mom's computer whenever she didn't need it. I was really thinking of telling the school that I just couldn't do the interview because I didn't think I could do the lesson in time.
This is where my "motivational poster" comes into play. In the past I've turned to my friends whenever I'm having doubts or not feeling confident. They're always supportive and well-meaning, but for some reason I get a little frustrated when bringing this kind of stuff up with them. Nothing on them, it's on me. They're usually honest and keep me grounded, but I'm stubborn and once I'm in a funk it's hard for me to get out of it. Since Jon and I have been dating, he's become my go-to with things like this. I'm not sure exactly why, but it's so much easier to tell him all me hopes, fears, anxieties and listen to his advice. Whenever I have ANY kind of anxiety, he's there to listen and tell me what I need to hear... whether it's what I want to hear or not. With interviews, he's been my little cheerleader. Even when I've felt terrible, he's there to keep my spirits up. Like when I interviewed in Lancaster, and cried because I just didn't want to have to go 2 hours away to find a job. He said he'd move out there with me, and told me how anywhere would be lucky to have me as a teacher and I shouldn't pass up even an interview opportunity because of a fear like that. Granted, I didn't get that job, that made me feel so much better going into that interview.
This time is a littler different. He knew about all the computer stuff and obstacles I had with this interview. When I felt like giving up he told me to think of him as my own cat poster, and that I should hang in there. I ended up having to cancel subbing on Thursday to have some extra time to write the lesson before the interview, and I tried to stay as focused a possible while doing it... and it may have paid off.
After the interview Friday I wasn't feeling great. Not terrible, either. I felt like I rambled, I didn't think I gave good answers. But when I left the school I was mostly just relieved to be over with the stress. Later that afternoon I got a call from Mr. Nordquist. I usually tell him about when I have an interview, because he's one of my other supporters and he's one of my references, but with the stress of the week I had completely forgotten to tell him about this one. He was calling to tell me that he had just gotten off the phone with Sierra Vista High School's assistant principal (where I just interviewed a few hours earlier). He said they were calling to check on my references...
... They usually only check references for the top 2 or 3 applicants.
At least that's what Summer said her district does, and what other people have told me about other districts. If they're calling my references, I may actually have a chance this time. I'm still not getting my hopes up; they told me I wouldn't know for about a week, week and a half. But that's gotta be something, right?
When I told Jon, he excitedly said how his motivational poster pep talks had worked. We went to Universal Studios on Saturday for Halloween Horror Nights, and the whole time Jon kept saying things like, "when you get the job..." He was talking about how this time next year he'd hopefully be transferred to a 4-year school, with a better job, and I'd be teaching full time. I want that so much it's not even funny.
I sometimes feel like a broken record when I write these blogs. I used to write about how depressed I was and how I didn't think I would ever find real love. Now all I write about is my boyfriend and how loved he makes me feel. I'm mostly writing this for myself, to remind myself of how truly lucky and blessed I am to have Jon in my life. I really do feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Little things that he does put a smile on my face all the time. He's so sweet and caring. He does so many things for me. He's always there for me. He's not perfect, and God knows I'm not either, but I really think we're perfect for each other. I feel like I can never do enough to thank him or repay him for all that he's done for me. I try as hard as I can to let him know how much I love and appreciate him. I know I've said before how I'm pretty damn certain he's the one, and I almost feel crazy for saying that before we've even been dating a year. But at the same time, how can I not say it? I have never felt so happy or loved, everything just feels right when I'm with him. I can see a future with him and it makes me smile. He's everything I could ever ask for and more. And I don't feel completely crazy because he sees a future too. He's said he sees us being together a long time, he talks about things down the road... so as much as nothing is ever completely certain, I don't feel as panicked thinking about what could be, because I know the possibility is very, very real.
I want my personal motivational poster to be there for all the things to come. Since the possibility of this job looks better than any other so far, I've started panicking that I'm not ready for it. Stressing out about what will happen if/when I get it. Jon has been there to tell me how I'm ready and I will do a great job. I love him so much. And I don't know if I would have the confidence in myself to get even this far without him.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Doctor's Note
As a coach, I deal with a lot of doctor's notes. I get them from students all the time for different ailments and injuries. Latest was a girl who sprained her ankle during class, and the doctor wants her off of it for 6 weeks... she's already walking without a limp, so that is probably one note we won't follow completely. And I have had my fair share of doctor's notes in the past. I am notorious for getting injured easily, and the asthma was a big issue a lot during my performing days.
While I haven't had the need for a doctor's note in a long time, I think that I may actually need one.
Yesterday I went to the doctor's for what I assumed was a UTI (TMI, sorry), and while they were getting my vitals, they noticed how high my blood pressure was. They waited a few minutes, jokingly asking if I was nervous (I never like going to the doctor's), and took it again. Slightly lower, but still well above where it should be. So the doctor saw me for what I came in for, but also started talking to me about hypertension. I guess the last few times I've been to the doctors my blood pressure was elevated, but just borderline. This time it was 142/88. I guess anything over 140/90 is bad. And being that I'm only 27, it's not the greatest thing. The doctor talked to me about a few things and gave me a print out of some suggestions to help bring it down. Most of it talked about cutting sodium, limiting alcohol & caffeine, and more exercise. I have gained more weight than I care to admit, so this is a little bit of an incentive to be more proactive about losing it. Sodium limiting is much harder than I expected since there's so much of it in pretty much EVERYTHING. I really only drink a few beers on the weekend, so I'm thinking I'm probably ok there. I don't really drink during the week since 1) beer is expensive and 2) I thought limiting it to a few on the weekends would help reduce the beer belly I'm beginning to develop. I cut soda a while ago, but I do need to drink less coffee or switch to decaf.
Now, I keep trying to make myself feel somewhat better by reminding myself that I did drink a big pumpkin spice latte right before going to the doctors (for which I kinda hate myself), so that probably contributed to the high numbers. But one of the things that the doctor didn't really mention, but I think could be a factor is stress. I have a lot more stress right now than I feel like I've had in a long time. I've been trying my hardest to get a job and not found one yet, though having had 10 interviews this summer is somewhat encouraging. Money is super tight, and while my parents were able to help me out over the summer, they're not really able to help me out anymore, and I still barely make my bills. The biggest stressor is color guard. The students this year are the most challenging I've had to deal with. I'm not saying anything against the kids themselves, but they're retention is so bad. I have to reteach so much and they are barely able to even do their basics correctly. I love them to death, other than 1 bad apple, they have great attitudes and energy. It's just so frustrating not being able to progress as much as I would like, or as much as we need to. I have found myself actually losing my temper with the students. I try not to yell, I always hated that about my predecessor, but I've yelled several times already this year. While learning drill, I've had to walk away from the guard on the field and let the marching techs take over because I was so frustrated I knew I would just be yelling if I stayed there another minute. I'm feeling anxious because the band's money is the tightest it's ever been and the kids aren't turning in money for uniforms or fundraisers. They is my only consistent pay check and it may be nonexistent soon. It's so hard.
The only thing that really keeps me positive is knowing that at the end of the week I get to see my Jon. He's my biggest cheerleader when it comes to job stuff, always talking about "when" I get the job, not "if." He let's me vent and tells me not to apologize when I feel bad about venting. He really does make me feel so special and never really stresses me out (except for a few occasions when he was late to something, but that's me with most people haha).
I felt terrible over the weekend because I snapped at him for the first time. We didn't have a fight or anything, but I hit my funny bone (never actually funny) while trying to get into my purse and when he was sweetly trying to help, I snapped, "let me do it!" About 2 seconds later I was apologizing profusely and starting to cry because I felt so bad. Of course he said it was fine and that he knew I didn't mean anything bad. But still, the stress is starting to get to me.
Now, back to needing a doctor's note...
I've been musing lately that maybe it's time I be done coaching. I'm still really torn on the issue because color guard has been such an important part of my life for the last 13/14 years. And this is my 9th year coaching at the same school. That's crazy. I know very few people my age who've had the same job for 9 years. I feel like part of the reason I've done it as long as I have is because I thought it would get my foot in the door for a real teaching job at the school, and now that it seems that's probably not going to happen, I'm feeling apathetic. It's tough coaching and subbing at a school that won't give you a chance.
So I was thinking, maybe this hypertension thing is my ticket out? I don't know. Right now color guard is the biggest stress factor I have, other than money. I really would rather not quit, but at the same time it may be what I need. I've become burnt out, and the stress is actually kind of killing me. Maybe it's a sign that it's time. Now, of course I'm not blaming color guard on my high blood pressure. I just think it's a major factor. I'm also 25lbs heavier than I want to me, and probably eat way too much salt. So if I'm going to make changes in those areas of my life, maybe this is one I should change too... I just don't know. The last 2 weeks have been particularly stressful and I'm actually procrastinating before going to bed because I know just how stressful tomorrow will be (subbing then first football game, oh and getting some alterations to costumes that came out way wrong...).
So yeah. Should I have the doctor write me a note on this one? I just don't know...
While I haven't had the need for a doctor's note in a long time, I think that I may actually need one.
Yesterday I went to the doctor's for what I assumed was a UTI (TMI, sorry), and while they were getting my vitals, they noticed how high my blood pressure was. They waited a few minutes, jokingly asking if I was nervous (I never like going to the doctor's), and took it again. Slightly lower, but still well above where it should be. So the doctor saw me for what I came in for, but also started talking to me about hypertension. I guess the last few times I've been to the doctors my blood pressure was elevated, but just borderline. This time it was 142/88. I guess anything over 140/90 is bad. And being that I'm only 27, it's not the greatest thing. The doctor talked to me about a few things and gave me a print out of some suggestions to help bring it down. Most of it talked about cutting sodium, limiting alcohol & caffeine, and more exercise. I have gained more weight than I care to admit, so this is a little bit of an incentive to be more proactive about losing it. Sodium limiting is much harder than I expected since there's so much of it in pretty much EVERYTHING. I really only drink a few beers on the weekend, so I'm thinking I'm probably ok there. I don't really drink during the week since 1) beer is expensive and 2) I thought limiting it to a few on the weekends would help reduce the beer belly I'm beginning to develop. I cut soda a while ago, but I do need to drink less coffee or switch to decaf.
Now, I keep trying to make myself feel somewhat better by reminding myself that I did drink a big pumpkin spice latte right before going to the doctors (for which I kinda hate myself), so that probably contributed to the high numbers. But one of the things that the doctor didn't really mention, but I think could be a factor is stress. I have a lot more stress right now than I feel like I've had in a long time. I've been trying my hardest to get a job and not found one yet, though having had 10 interviews this summer is somewhat encouraging. Money is super tight, and while my parents were able to help me out over the summer, they're not really able to help me out anymore, and I still barely make my bills. The biggest stressor is color guard. The students this year are the most challenging I've had to deal with. I'm not saying anything against the kids themselves, but they're retention is so bad. I have to reteach so much and they are barely able to even do their basics correctly. I love them to death, other than 1 bad apple, they have great attitudes and energy. It's just so frustrating not being able to progress as much as I would like, or as much as we need to. I have found myself actually losing my temper with the students. I try not to yell, I always hated that about my predecessor, but I've yelled several times already this year. While learning drill, I've had to walk away from the guard on the field and let the marching techs take over because I was so frustrated I knew I would just be yelling if I stayed there another minute. I'm feeling anxious because the band's money is the tightest it's ever been and the kids aren't turning in money for uniforms or fundraisers. They is my only consistent pay check and it may be nonexistent soon. It's so hard.
The only thing that really keeps me positive is knowing that at the end of the week I get to see my Jon. He's my biggest cheerleader when it comes to job stuff, always talking about "when" I get the job, not "if." He let's me vent and tells me not to apologize when I feel bad about venting. He really does make me feel so special and never really stresses me out (except for a few occasions when he was late to something, but that's me with most people haha).
I felt terrible over the weekend because I snapped at him for the first time. We didn't have a fight or anything, but I hit my funny bone (never actually funny) while trying to get into my purse and when he was sweetly trying to help, I snapped, "let me do it!" About 2 seconds later I was apologizing profusely and starting to cry because I felt so bad. Of course he said it was fine and that he knew I didn't mean anything bad. But still, the stress is starting to get to me.
Now, back to needing a doctor's note...
I've been musing lately that maybe it's time I be done coaching. I'm still really torn on the issue because color guard has been such an important part of my life for the last 13/14 years. And this is my 9th year coaching at the same school. That's crazy. I know very few people my age who've had the same job for 9 years. I feel like part of the reason I've done it as long as I have is because I thought it would get my foot in the door for a real teaching job at the school, and now that it seems that's probably not going to happen, I'm feeling apathetic. It's tough coaching and subbing at a school that won't give you a chance.
So I was thinking, maybe this hypertension thing is my ticket out? I don't know. Right now color guard is the biggest stress factor I have, other than money. I really would rather not quit, but at the same time it may be what I need. I've become burnt out, and the stress is actually kind of killing me. Maybe it's a sign that it's time. Now, of course I'm not blaming color guard on my high blood pressure. I just think it's a major factor. I'm also 25lbs heavier than I want to me, and probably eat way too much salt. So if I'm going to make changes in those areas of my life, maybe this is one I should change too... I just don't know. The last 2 weeks have been particularly stressful and I'm actually procrastinating before going to bed because I know just how stressful tomorrow will be (subbing then first football game, oh and getting some alterations to costumes that came out way wrong...).
So yeah. Should I have the doctor write me a note on this one? I just don't know...
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Rearranging
A large portion of my day was spent slightly rearranging and cleaning my room. I've actually been wanting to do this for a while, but what motivated me to do it now? Well, that is a bit of a story.
Last week I had an interview in Fontana, just a few minutes drive from Jon. So after the interview, I met up with my sleep deprived boyfriend for lunch. We hardly ever see each other during the week because of our schedules, but it was nice to see each other for a little lunch date in the during the week. While at lunch, Jon says that he has a surprise for me, but I have to promise that I won't be mad. I begin to be skeptical at this point because why would I be mad about a surprise? After promising, several times, that I would not be mad about the surprise, he explains that he is buying me a new TV.
So romantic, right? He then explains WHY he wants to get me this TV. On top of being a massive deal (40" Panasonic for $250, I guess that's hard to find), he says that it is for "selfish" reasons. I have a 22" TV in my room right now. I don't think it's THAT tiny, but apparently I'm the only one who thinks that. So he says that whenever he comes over, he can't see what we're watching. He NEEDS this TV for my room so that he can see when he's over. Then he says that whenever I get a teaching job and move out, it will make a great TV for my living room... and whenever he's able to move in with me (once he can afford to help his parents and move out) it can be the bedroom TV again and we'll NEED to upgrade to a 50" 3D TV in the living room.
Now, while he's telling me all of this, I'm just sitting there staring at him from across the table. I was laying my head in my hands, covering my mouth with my hands, trying as hard as I could to conceal how big my smile was getting with each thing he said. I'm not sure if I've said this before in my blogs or not, but Jon and I have talked about the future briefly. We haven't talked too much about it, but he said he does see us together for a very long time, and I know in my heart he is the man I want to (will) marry one day. So hearing him talk about a future where we live together just made me so excited. Maybe it's just a stereotype, but guys are supposedly afraid of commitment. Having him talk in such definitive, positive terms about a future together just made me so excited for what's to come.
About a month ago, my friend Summer chastised me for not giving Jon a "drawer". For my birthday, Jon forgot to pack enough clothes for the weekend, so we actually had to go shopping for him while he was here. Summer said that when her and Johnnie were dating, she gave him a drawer in her dresser, where he kept some back ups and she even bought some stuff for him just in case. I told Jon about this, and of course he laughed about. He even joked I could have his whole dresser because he doesn't really use it.
Fast forward to today. This TV that Jon bought me is being delivered tomorrow, and in preparation I have been trying to clean up my room. While I was cleaning I decided to rearrange some things. This was mostly furniture, but I also tried to straighten up my dresser and night stands. While doing this, I realized that I have a bunch of crap in one of my night stands that I never really use. It's mostly old cards and drum corps patches I never put on my jacket. So I packed that stuff up, put it in the closet, and decided that will be Jon's drawer. He doesn't have a ton of stuff here right now, but he does have a few things he forgot at my place: socks, cards against humanity, and a t-shirt he gave me to cuddle with when I miss him (awwwww). I also decided to keep my scrapbook in there. I don't have a real scrapbook, but I found an unused photo album in the closet, and I have been keeping things from all my dates and trips with Jon in there. Like, I have the ticket from when we went to see The Hobbit on our first date. The map of Universal Studies from earlier that day. Tickets from various places we've been together. Little things that I'm too sentimental to part with. And on top of all of that, the night stand in question is on the side of the bed that Jon usually sleeps on, so it just works.
I'm super excited for this TV that already has a lot to live up to, and many expectations. Whether or not this TV will do all the things that Jon said will be seen in time. I can only hope that journey does happen, and hopefully soon. I'm an extremely impatient person (so much of this blog if evidence of that.) and I feel like waiting for this TV to get here is symbolic of me waiting for other things. I've been obsessively watching the UPS tracking to see when it will get here. I know it will get here eventually, but waiting is the hardest part. If that isn't a symbol for my life and waiting for what the future will bring, I don't know what is.
Last week I had an interview in Fontana, just a few minutes drive from Jon. So after the interview, I met up with my sleep deprived boyfriend for lunch. We hardly ever see each other during the week because of our schedules, but it was nice to see each other for a little lunch date in the during the week. While at lunch, Jon says that he has a surprise for me, but I have to promise that I won't be mad. I begin to be skeptical at this point because why would I be mad about a surprise? After promising, several times, that I would not be mad about the surprise, he explains that he is buying me a new TV.
So romantic, right? He then explains WHY he wants to get me this TV. On top of being a massive deal (40" Panasonic for $250, I guess that's hard to find), he says that it is for "selfish" reasons. I have a 22" TV in my room right now. I don't think it's THAT tiny, but apparently I'm the only one who thinks that. So he says that whenever he comes over, he can't see what we're watching. He NEEDS this TV for my room so that he can see when he's over. Then he says that whenever I get a teaching job and move out, it will make a great TV for my living room... and whenever he's able to move in with me (once he can afford to help his parents and move out) it can be the bedroom TV again and we'll NEED to upgrade to a 50" 3D TV in the living room.
Now, while he's telling me all of this, I'm just sitting there staring at him from across the table. I was laying my head in my hands, covering my mouth with my hands, trying as hard as I could to conceal how big my smile was getting with each thing he said. I'm not sure if I've said this before in my blogs or not, but Jon and I have talked about the future briefly. We haven't talked too much about it, but he said he does see us together for a very long time, and I know in my heart he is the man I want to (will) marry one day. So hearing him talk about a future where we live together just made me so excited. Maybe it's just a stereotype, but guys are supposedly afraid of commitment. Having him talk in such definitive, positive terms about a future together just made me so excited for what's to come.
About a month ago, my friend Summer chastised me for not giving Jon a "drawer". For my birthday, Jon forgot to pack enough clothes for the weekend, so we actually had to go shopping for him while he was here. Summer said that when her and Johnnie were dating, she gave him a drawer in her dresser, where he kept some back ups and she even bought some stuff for him just in case. I told Jon about this, and of course he laughed about. He even joked I could have his whole dresser because he doesn't really use it.
Fast forward to today. This TV that Jon bought me is being delivered tomorrow, and in preparation I have been trying to clean up my room. While I was cleaning I decided to rearrange some things. This was mostly furniture, but I also tried to straighten up my dresser and night stands. While doing this, I realized that I have a bunch of crap in one of my night stands that I never really use. It's mostly old cards and drum corps patches I never put on my jacket. So I packed that stuff up, put it in the closet, and decided that will be Jon's drawer. He doesn't have a ton of stuff here right now, but he does have a few things he forgot at my place: socks, cards against humanity, and a t-shirt he gave me to cuddle with when I miss him (awwwww). I also decided to keep my scrapbook in there. I don't have a real scrapbook, but I found an unused photo album in the closet, and I have been keeping things from all my dates and trips with Jon in there. Like, I have the ticket from when we went to see The Hobbit on our first date. The map of Universal Studies from earlier that day. Tickets from various places we've been together. Little things that I'm too sentimental to part with. And on top of all of that, the night stand in question is on the side of the bed that Jon usually sleeps on, so it just works.
I'm super excited for this TV that already has a lot to live up to, and many expectations. Whether or not this TV will do all the things that Jon said will be seen in time. I can only hope that journey does happen, and hopefully soon. I'm an extremely impatient person (so much of this blog if evidence of that.) and I feel like waiting for this TV to get here is symbolic of me waiting for other things. I've been obsessively watching the UPS tracking to see when it will get here. I know it will get here eventually, but waiting is the hardest part. If that isn't a symbol for my life and waiting for what the future will bring, I don't know what is.
Monday, August 11, 2014
I'm noticing a trend where I only write when I'm feeling somewhat anxious or down. I'm partly just down right now because it's the end of Monday, the last one I will get to spend with Jon for a while. I have a job interview tomorrow that I'm not feeling great about. Really, nothing is new. If anything, other than job/money stuff, I have no room to complain. Things are great.
But I've had something on my mind for a while, and I feel like I've made a realization recently that I hate having. So, I have a habit of taking things way too personally. I'm always worried about things in a social sense, partly due to some really bad social anxiety. This has been a problem for me more and more the older I get because I'm not constantly thrown into situations where I need to be social. That's one of the things I think is greatest about school, because you are forced to be around different people. As an adult you're not forced into that every single day. Sure, you go to work, you'll occasionally go to a party, but it's not really the same. I became very introverted in college, and I just have a hard time with meeting people and making friends.
Now, the friends I have, I love. Summer and I have been joking for a few months now that January will mark our 10 year "friend-iversary". Sure, there were time where we didn't talk as much, but whenever we did see each other it was always like nothing was different. I still miss the 2ish years where she lived walking distance from my house and we went on weekly sushi/shopping dates. We still do those now, but it's more like once or twice a month versus weekly. And of course I can never thank her enough for introducing me to the man I hope to marry one day (more on that later). He has clearly become my best friend, as it really should be.
But in all honesty, he's the first friend I've made in a long time. I'm just super lucky that he likes me as more than just a friend or else I'd still be complaining about being single haha. But the point is, I'm not making many new friends, and I feel like I'm really losing touch with people who were so important in my life. I really don't like it. While I feel like I've tried with some people, I don't know if it's enough. Now I'm exaggerating a bit, I guess. But I feel like I've hardly talked to the people I hung out with just a year or so ago. I know that's part my fault. I have tried not to be too consumed with Jon, and I always encourage him to spend time with his friends and not just me, but it happens. We haven't spent a weekend apart pretty much since when we started dating (maybe a few at the very beginning, but since it's the only time we see each other, we make a HUGE effort to spend that time together, at least partly). But some people, I feel like I'm trying to no avail. Like it's become a one sided friendship.
The friends I see now make just as much of an effort to see me as I to see them. This is how Summer and I are still so close. Throughout the years, even when we hadn't talked in months, we'd make sure that we could still hang out and spend a few hours together every once in a while. Now, my high school friends have also been making efforts to hang out lately. They tried over the summer to get a group of us together. I was that friend who didn't make an effort. As I complain about losing people, I made no effort to keep in touch with these people. And that was because I don't know that I have anything in common with them anymore; I don't know that I want to make that effort. This is nothing against them, or me for that matter, but it just shows that we've kind of out grown each other. I'm not happy about it, but it happens. I guess I'm just starting to experience that with my drum corps friends. I feel like so many of them are still so involved and into the activity, and I'm really not. I will go to shows, I will support my corps, but I really don't feel as attached as I once was. It's a completely different thing than when I was a part of it. (I literally had a "back in my day" moment this week when I found out that the top 25 make Semis now. It used to be 16 when I marched). I don't know that it's anyone's fault. Most of my friends went back to teach drum corps. While I've been teaching guard at the high school level for the last 9 years, I never had the opportunity to teach drum corps, so once I aged out my only attachment were those friends teaching/marching.
And now, as I begin this 9th year of coaching, I'm really starting to think that my time with the color guard activity may be coming to close. I look at most rehearsals as a chore than a joy anymore. That's when you know it's probably time to leave. This was something that caused me to meet so many people. Through color guard (drum corps) I made so many friends. If I'm having a hard enough time keeping in touch with them while still somewhat involved in the activity, what would happen if I were to completely leave it? I'm already socially awkward. At shows I have a hard time saying hi to people, simply because of anxiety. Should I consider it a good or bad thing that I wouldn't see these people even at shows anymore if I were to quit?
This blog took a completely different direction from where I originally meant. Partly because I have been texting Jon while writing this, talking to him about what's bothering me (which I haven't really said). He's already put things into a new perspective for me. So instead of complaining further, I'll just say this. If I'm making an effort, I hope that they'll make an effort back. I can't do anything else. In all honesty, I'm completely happy having the few close friends I have and the love of my life as my best friend. I miss my other friends, but I can only try so much before it's obvious that it's not worth trying anymore.
But I've had something on my mind for a while, and I feel like I've made a realization recently that I hate having. So, I have a habit of taking things way too personally. I'm always worried about things in a social sense, partly due to some really bad social anxiety. This has been a problem for me more and more the older I get because I'm not constantly thrown into situations where I need to be social. That's one of the things I think is greatest about school, because you are forced to be around different people. As an adult you're not forced into that every single day. Sure, you go to work, you'll occasionally go to a party, but it's not really the same. I became very introverted in college, and I just have a hard time with meeting people and making friends.
Now, the friends I have, I love. Summer and I have been joking for a few months now that January will mark our 10 year "friend-iversary". Sure, there were time where we didn't talk as much, but whenever we did see each other it was always like nothing was different. I still miss the 2ish years where she lived walking distance from my house and we went on weekly sushi/shopping dates. We still do those now, but it's more like once or twice a month versus weekly. And of course I can never thank her enough for introducing me to the man I hope to marry one day (more on that later). He has clearly become my best friend, as it really should be.
But in all honesty, he's the first friend I've made in a long time. I'm just super lucky that he likes me as more than just a friend or else I'd still be complaining about being single haha. But the point is, I'm not making many new friends, and I feel like I'm really losing touch with people who were so important in my life. I really don't like it. While I feel like I've tried with some people, I don't know if it's enough. Now I'm exaggerating a bit, I guess. But I feel like I've hardly talked to the people I hung out with just a year or so ago. I know that's part my fault. I have tried not to be too consumed with Jon, and I always encourage him to spend time with his friends and not just me, but it happens. We haven't spent a weekend apart pretty much since when we started dating (maybe a few at the very beginning, but since it's the only time we see each other, we make a HUGE effort to spend that time together, at least partly). But some people, I feel like I'm trying to no avail. Like it's become a one sided friendship.
The friends I see now make just as much of an effort to see me as I to see them. This is how Summer and I are still so close. Throughout the years, even when we hadn't talked in months, we'd make sure that we could still hang out and spend a few hours together every once in a while. Now, my high school friends have also been making efforts to hang out lately. They tried over the summer to get a group of us together. I was that friend who didn't make an effort. As I complain about losing people, I made no effort to keep in touch with these people. And that was because I don't know that I have anything in common with them anymore; I don't know that I want to make that effort. This is nothing against them, or me for that matter, but it just shows that we've kind of out grown each other. I'm not happy about it, but it happens. I guess I'm just starting to experience that with my drum corps friends. I feel like so many of them are still so involved and into the activity, and I'm really not. I will go to shows, I will support my corps, but I really don't feel as attached as I once was. It's a completely different thing than when I was a part of it. (I literally had a "back in my day" moment this week when I found out that the top 25 make Semis now. It used to be 16 when I marched). I don't know that it's anyone's fault. Most of my friends went back to teach drum corps. While I've been teaching guard at the high school level for the last 9 years, I never had the opportunity to teach drum corps, so once I aged out my only attachment were those friends teaching/marching.
And now, as I begin this 9th year of coaching, I'm really starting to think that my time with the color guard activity may be coming to close. I look at most rehearsals as a chore than a joy anymore. That's when you know it's probably time to leave. This was something that caused me to meet so many people. Through color guard (drum corps) I made so many friends. If I'm having a hard enough time keeping in touch with them while still somewhat involved in the activity, what would happen if I were to completely leave it? I'm already socially awkward. At shows I have a hard time saying hi to people, simply because of anxiety. Should I consider it a good or bad thing that I wouldn't see these people even at shows anymore if I were to quit?
This blog took a completely different direction from where I originally meant. Partly because I have been texting Jon while writing this, talking to him about what's bothering me (which I haven't really said). He's already put things into a new perspective for me. So instead of complaining further, I'll just say this. If I'm making an effort, I hope that they'll make an effort back. I can't do anything else. In all honesty, I'm completely happy having the few close friends I have and the love of my life as my best friend. I miss my other friends, but I can only try so much before it's obvious that it's not worth trying anymore.
Monday, July 28, 2014
I haven't written anything in a while, so I thought why not? I don't really have much to say, I'm kind of just bored and trying to distract myself. I always get a little mopey right after Jon leaves, and he just left. I feel like I've been getting spoiled because throughout the summer we've actually been able to spend most Mondays together. I'm not subbing or coaching, he has Mondays off anyway, so it works. I always love getting to see him more and he does too. And I love days like today when I thought he was going to be leaving so much earlier, and he stayed until 8pm.
I am still in awe everyday that I found him. I don't know how I could ever truly thank Summer for being so damn persistent that we date haha. I'm so head over heels for this boy. I feel like this summer has only made me love him more. Because we've spent more time together, we've definitely become a lot closer. Not to sound so rude and gross, but we've gotten to the "comfortable enough to fart in front of each other" stage haha. I can be completely honest and open about things, which is not really something I can say about past relationships.
Speaking of which, we were eating dinner with my dad, who had been drinking a bit, and my dad said "I hope you know she's had like 10 boyfriends before you." (which is not true, for the record) Apparently I was extremely red, and I did use that as my exit to go serve dessert to everyone haha. Jon and I have started talking a little bit about past relationships. Not in extreme detail, but enough. Like I kind of told him about asshat, and he told me how he dated a girl 7 or 8 years younger than him. Which I'm still a little shocked about, mostly because this had to have been in the last few years. I didn't realize how upset-ish/jealous it would make me to even hear little things about his exes, but it kind of does. I've always been a jealous person, and I don't even like thinking about him with someone else. I know that's silly, and I've been good about not dwelling on it. I'm not so upset to the point where I don't let him say things about his past and we both rarely ever say things about past relationships, so it's not even an issue.
I'm also not as bothered as I think I could be because I know he loves me. This is where I feel like a hypocrite because I don't like hearing about his past but I'm going to talk about mine. In my past experiences, I can't say that I always knew that I was loved. To be honest I'm still a little afraid to let myself believe Jon loves me. I've been hurt a lot. We've all been hurt by a past love, that's life, but I have a hard time letting things go. So even though I know in my heart that Jon loves me and that I have no reason to think otherwise, part of me still gets scared, like I'm just letting myself be naive. But this "fear" is little. I don't really feel that paranoid about it. Only sometimes when I'm already anxious or paranoid about something else and my mind just wants to make everything into something to fear.
But I feel like I'm getting off on a tangent. So boyfriend and I have been growing so much closer. He has been nothing but supportive and compassionate and loving through so much. This summer has been a lot of ups and downs. I've had several great job interviews that sadly did no end with a job. And he was there and supportive through all of that. He was even literally there for one of the interviews. He has kept me the most optimistic because he's my little cheer leader. Even when I didn't think I had a chance at something or that something had gone terribly wrong, he's told me how he believes in me and know I can do it. I had some health stuff happen, and he was about ready to call off work to take me to the doctor and take care of me. He is my weirdo, we do and say inappropriate things together all the time. I am just so in love.
Like I said, just thought I'd write some stuff. I have more I could talk about but it's getting late and I need to take care of some other things, so I guess this is all for now.
I am still in awe everyday that I found him. I don't know how I could ever truly thank Summer for being so damn persistent that we date haha. I'm so head over heels for this boy. I feel like this summer has only made me love him more. Because we've spent more time together, we've definitely become a lot closer. Not to sound so rude and gross, but we've gotten to the "comfortable enough to fart in front of each other" stage haha. I can be completely honest and open about things, which is not really something I can say about past relationships.
Speaking of which, we were eating dinner with my dad, who had been drinking a bit, and my dad said "I hope you know she's had like 10 boyfriends before you." (which is not true, for the record) Apparently I was extremely red, and I did use that as my exit to go serve dessert to everyone haha. Jon and I have started talking a little bit about past relationships. Not in extreme detail, but enough. Like I kind of told him about asshat, and he told me how he dated a girl 7 or 8 years younger than him. Which I'm still a little shocked about, mostly because this had to have been in the last few years. I didn't realize how upset-ish/jealous it would make me to even hear little things about his exes, but it kind of does. I've always been a jealous person, and I don't even like thinking about him with someone else. I know that's silly, and I've been good about not dwelling on it. I'm not so upset to the point where I don't let him say things about his past and we both rarely ever say things about past relationships, so it's not even an issue.
I'm also not as bothered as I think I could be because I know he loves me. This is where I feel like a hypocrite because I don't like hearing about his past but I'm going to talk about mine. In my past experiences, I can't say that I always knew that I was loved. To be honest I'm still a little afraid to let myself believe Jon loves me. I've been hurt a lot. We've all been hurt by a past love, that's life, but I have a hard time letting things go. So even though I know in my heart that Jon loves me and that I have no reason to think otherwise, part of me still gets scared, like I'm just letting myself be naive. But this "fear" is little. I don't really feel that paranoid about it. Only sometimes when I'm already anxious or paranoid about something else and my mind just wants to make everything into something to fear.
But I feel like I'm getting off on a tangent. So boyfriend and I have been growing so much closer. He has been nothing but supportive and compassionate and loving through so much. This summer has been a lot of ups and downs. I've had several great job interviews that sadly did no end with a job. And he was there and supportive through all of that. He was even literally there for one of the interviews. He has kept me the most optimistic because he's my little cheer leader. Even when I didn't think I had a chance at something or that something had gone terribly wrong, he's told me how he believes in me and know I can do it. I had some health stuff happen, and he was about ready to call off work to take me to the doctor and take care of me. He is my weirdo, we do and say inappropriate things together all the time. I am just so in love.
Like I said, just thought I'd write some stuff. I have more I could talk about but it's getting late and I need to take care of some other things, so I guess this is all for now.
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