"Drink up with me now..."

Wow... It's November. Wow...

It's already WAY too late and I have a department meeting in the morning, so I really don't want to be up all night, but I feel like I need to get some things off my mind.

Yesterday was Halloween, and the night before I went out with my friends. Now, I love my friends with all my heart, but over the last few months I feel more and more disconnected with them. I felt like this was my half-assed attempted at not being a complete loner, yet I still ALWAYS feel like a social outcast, even among my closest friends. I hardly ever talk to anyone who isn't a student/teacher, so when I do talk to or even see some drum corps friends, its a rare and exciting occasion.

And being me, I of course have to ruin it.

I think that I should've stuck to my "no drinking" policy that I had, but alas I didn't. I got way too moody, which I have found is a side effect of alcohol in me. I started moping, and that's ALWAYS the first sign. Then I got really hyper, then UBER depressed. I still think that when they told me I had depression a few years ago they got it wrong; I swear I can be SO bipolar, especially after a few drinks. I mean, I was with people I love, having fun! Why the hell did I run off to a bathroom to go cry?! Maybe it was telling my story of August 08, or maybe it was a little too much thinking about Zach, or the fact I was surrounded by 2 ex boyfriends (one I'm still a little hung up on and another I wish I could be better friends with) and being around cute couples. Probably all of the above. But all I know was that I felt I was attracting too much unnecessary attention on myself. Yet I did nothing to stop it. It's times like this I feel like "Traci". That girl NO ONE really wants there, but just shows up anyway. I know that some people really want me there, but I think most of the time I'm just a 3rd, 5th, etc. wheel to the group, just tagging along. I have said time and time again that I need more/new friends, but I always have an excuse. I'm too busy, I spend 99% of my time with high school students... blah blah blah. All just excuses. I could be more social if I really tried, but I just don't. I lack self confidence. I have the mindset "if I can barely keep the friends I have, how am I supposed to make more?" And honestly, I don't know how to function socially outside of drum corps. How does one make friends outside of the color guard world? Drum corps was the best and worst experience of my life in that way. I have some of the best friends ever thanks to it, but I really don't know how to make more friends outside of it. Add on some crippling shyness, and Violà! You have me in nutshell!

So yeah, that happened.

I'm just still whiny about it. I felt like such a debbie downer. When the boys send Annie in to see if I'm ok, I know that I've been too much of a drama queen. I almost feel like I should've stayed home. Too late now. I try too hard or not hard enough. I fail at social skills majorly.

It's kind of like this blog. I'm not going to lie, this is a bullshit, half-assed attempt at attention. Does anyone read this? Doubtful. Oh well...

Teaching is weird. Some times I'm like, ON! I had a kid tell me the other day she'll miss me when I leave and she gave me a hug... I think she was trying to suck up, but it worked haha. Then there's days like today, where if I don't do things EXACTLY like the regular teacher, I don't hear the end of it. I sometimes wish I could just yell, but I can't, obviously. This is my version of anger management, since I have one of the worst tempers I know haha. I have already learned SO much patience, but I still have so much more I need. I sometimes forget that History is second nature to me now, and that this shit doesn't come as easy to everyone. I have learned the hard way to make sure I REALLY think before I speak. I have offended several kids already with comments that were meant constructively or with the best intentions, but fell VERY short of their mark.

It's been an experience, that's for sure.

Ok, it's late, and I feel more and more like a loser as I type.

<3

Sorry, one more bitch for the evening... I feel like my ex boyfriend stole my best friend. Not cool dude, not cool. he sees/hangs out with her more than me.

I'm so tired of all my complaining, yet I keep doing it. I feel like I can do nothing right. I am always the bad guy in a situation where there is no bad guy. I want one thing and apparently I can't even have that. I feel really distant from the "world" since most people are already in school or have these things called lives/significant others. I firmly believe at least 50% of my moodiness is due to my over abundance of hormones right now, My only friend at the moment is my 17 year old brother. I know I'm kind of distancing people on my own, but still I'm just so freaking lonely right now. I need to get over myself. UGH! I was so tired around 9:30 but decided to stay up... now I'm not even sleepy anymore... My shoulder hurts to the point of causing me tears right now... Okay, I think my bitch-fest is over. I had to get that out my system. Tomorrow: Choreographing! I think I finished Pioneer's opener in my head on the way home from Santa Barbara. Hope I remember it/it's even possible.

Bitch-less Broadcasting

I feel like I've been complaining entirely too much in recent blogs, so this is my bitch-less post.

I almost, kinda, sorta, maybe know where I'll be student teaching! I started bugging the counselor, saying I need to know so I could make accommodations with the teams I coach, and also mentioned how the teachers/administrators at those schools would love to have me there, and I found out a request was made for me to be at Cal High, but Cal Poly hasn't heard back from the district/school. I told the band director at Cal and he right away made a call to one of the assistant principals to ask who deals with this stuff and explained my sich. Hopefully that helps speed up the process... in a good way :]

I'm excited for Cal this year. They are realistically behind what the band director wants drill-wise and with retention, but the talent level in the guard is very high. I think winter guard will be amazing. There is of course those girls you need to hold their hand as they do drill so they go to the correct dots, but I think even they are above the previous project children. I'm hoping for good things.

Pioneer is surprising me. I feel like I've already helped them become so much better. BUT tomorrow is the first time I will see them in over a week, so let's see what can be retained. I'm getting REALLY frustrated choreographing because their opener is SO long and repetitive. There is only so much that can be done with that music... at least that's realistic. I'm thinking tomorrow will be A LOT of cleaning and review. I forced myself to really work on choreo a few days ago, took the MacBook outside and watched clips of past Cal and PC shows for ideas, recorded myself to see what I liked and didn't. All that came of that is maybe 16 counts and another 12ish toward the end. Its really frustrating because I don't know drill or anything, so trying to teach a ripple or A/B work is pretty pointless. Hopefully before the next rehearsal with them (Wednesday) I can come up with something more substantial. (Actually, after watching the numerous videos I made, I think I may be able to piece together another minute's worth :D).

I have more to not bitch about, like getting my own room and buying a new TV, but I think it'll have to wait until next time. I need sleep, I've had a migraine on and off for almost a week now :/

<3

This is my place to take out my frustration, vent, and be just a little bit selfish.

I just want to start off by saying that I'm VERY happy for my sister. I really am. But this is I think why I am so frustrated.

I have done everything right. At least that's what my family and neighbors keep telling me. I spend my money, but I know when to save it. I finished my BA early, I'm already started on my career goals. I also understand the money situation going on with my family right now. Instead of enjoying my first free summer in years, I took on a full-time job that I really did not care for. I have held a job since my freshman year of college, and currently I have 2 guard jobs and 2 part-time (doing what I did all summer and special ED subbing). I am more realistic and understanding. And a little less high maintenance.

So someone explain to me why her life is going so right right now? I want my sister to be happy, but how does she have no money, never had job, and she has a fiancé, she's moving to Santa Barbara, and she just got home from her second roadtrip this summer? While I'm living at home, didn't get to go anywhere this summer, and don't even have a boyfriend.

I get how selfish this all is, and I guess that's why I'm getting it out here so I can stop holding it all in and finally be over it. But I feel like this is just so unfair. I'm not saying I want to get married. I do, but not right now. I would like a boyfriend though. And I have made NO secret of the fact I want to move out. This time next year is the goal. But how is it that I do EVERYTHING right, but I'm getting the short end of the stick? I have said that I feel like an old maid, and I honestly feel that way. I know so many people getting married. All I want to is to move out and have a freaking boyfriend. How much is that to ask for?

I feel stupid and childish just typing all of this. So I'm going to stop.

The Girl Who Hid Her Scars

I'm very into the Millennium Trilogy at the moment. I'm only about 65 pages into the Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest but I'm so into the story. But I've been reading in basically every waking second of free time and I have a lot on my mind at the moment so I'm taking a short break. I already watched just about every version of the Swedish Tattoo trailer, so now I'm writing.

One of the things I love about Lisbeth Salander is that she's different. Lately, that's how I've felt. Not in such an extreme way as the character, but I feel sort of left out. Like I missed a memo somewhere. I went to a Cal Hi Color Guard reunion on Sunday. It was really crazy to catch up with people I haven't seen, let alone talked to in years. I think just about everyone was married/engaged, pregnant/had kids, or at least had a boyfriend and job. Granted, I'm one of the few who has finished their college degree, and I'm well on my way to my career, but I feel like I missed some thing that was important to "growing up."

It's hard for me to explain. It's probably also important to mention that I'm the only one who kept spinning after high school (not 100% true, one girl did a baby independent guard one year then SoCal Dream... all at age 18 btw. Another girl did Corona Light it's first year). I also did something that may seem out of character, I defended Jen. We get a long SO much better now than we did the first few years teaching together, and when one of the girls who would've been a senior my first year teaching the guard (and I should mention she, and almost all the others who were on the team at the time, quit because of Jen) said "is that bitch still there?" I answer with "She's NOT a bitch" without any hesitation. I also mentioned that we no longer do some of the traditions that were in place when I was in the guard. This upset people. Seriously, I hated doing that shit when I was in the guard. It was just dumb. I wasn't going to bring any of that back, and nor would Jen probably have let me. So I should explain. We would do this little cheer (I know right?!) where someone would yell "Hey color guard, go bananas!" and the guard would yell back "No way!" and that would repeat a few times until the guard gives in and says "Okay!" then does this little dance, singing "we peel to the left, we peel to the right, we peel to the front, then uh (insert grunt and pelvic thrust) take a bite, and uh take a bite and uh uh uh uh uh! take a bite." Like, seriously?! How is that appropriate?! Sorry, I'm so much an old lady in some of views. But anyway, I didn't get the point then, and I still don't. I was surprised at how... upset? some people got. Upset might be too strong of a word, but whatever.

I felt almost looked down on, or like people thought I was full of myself for staying with guard, let alone teaching Cal. This year is my 5th year there. Since then we have had 2 medals in winter guard, and done pretty damn well in field. We also teach them interesting/hard routines compared to when I was there. I really give all the credit for how I spin to Pacific Crest. I had a little talent when I started in 05, but damn, I really sucked haha. So did everyone at Cal. We just didn't know it. And we were okay with that. People were telling stories of rehearsals and things like they were Vietnam vets hanging out together reminiscing about battle. One girl I graduated with who started during winter freshman year and I talked a lot and she was saying how it was so weird that all of us didn't keep in touch as much, considering we spent basically every waking moment together for 4 years. She started going on and on about how we practiced so much and stuff, and I couldn't help thinking about how different my view of high school guard had become since doing drum corps. To me, high school guard is cake. After a long day of band camp, I'm almost anticipating another rehearsal block. Nothing I did in high school seems so hard. But I forget that for everyone else, that's all they have. There's nothing else to compare it to, so that makes it hard to really see it wasn't that bad.

I basically said the same thing over and over all night. I would have different people ask me what I was up to. I'd say that I graduated, getting my credential, teaching at Cal and Pioneer, and that was it. I felt like a broken record. Plus hearing about people's pregnancies and weddings made me VERY self-conscious. I'm not there... yet anyway.

So the real reason I'm writing is because I feel like this week will go on forever and yet it's already almost Wednesday. This week is a big week for so many reasons. For starters it's my last week of summer and at PacProp. I hate to say it but I will miss it. When I gave my notice last week they said I was always welcome back. They'd hire me full time if I could make it work, but with student teaching, and coaching 2 guards, probably not.. But there's always Christmas, Spring Break and next summer :]. This is also DCI finals week. I wish I could be there so bad. But unfortunately, I can't. Though, I found out I could have free tickets to finals night being a 2009 ageout haha. Too bad I live in California and Indianapolis too far away. So this means that PC is almost home, and along with it my best friend. She ages out Friday night. I'm so excited/proud of her.

Friday is also an important day. I plan on locking myself in my bedroom, drinking LOT and reading to get my mind off things. Friday is the 13th... which means 2 things... 2 horrible things. First, the 13th means that it is a another month with out Zach. Nine to be exact. And it was a Friday the 13th when he left us. So that makes it just a little worse. Next, it is the 2 year anniversary of my rape. I can barely even talk about it. I don't usually refer to it so bluntly as just now. I usually say "what happened in August 08" which can easily throw people off who don't know. Zach and I broke up in August 08, I was sent home from tour on the verge of pneumonia... so I can get people off my case or talk about it without really thinking about it. It's kind of funny how the 2 most horrible days in my life kind of align. Zach was an important part of that day. I did sorta blame him at first. If he hadn't dumped me over the phone, I wouldn't have gone out with Melania and Jennee to get drunk and nothing would've happened... but I soon realized that it wasn't his fault at all, it was no one's fault. Except for the fucking prick who hurt me and got away with it. I lost a little bit of faith in the LAPD, and police in general, when he went free. There was no evidence and I didn't remember anything, nor did I want to ever talk to him or see him again. I pretty much refuse to talk to my family about it, or anyone. After it happened was a VERY bad time in my life. My parents became too over bearing and I basically shut them out. I still remember a conversation with Zach. We met for coffee to talk about the break up and what happened. He told me to see a therapist. I said I didn't want to talk to anyone. He told me a very private story about how it'd helped him and may help me. I never took his advice, but I am thankful he cared enough to tell me that story and offer me help even after we had broken up. I miss him so much.

Thursday Melania and I are spending PC's quarter finals performance time with Zach. He should be up on that podium. I love that Mark is there, but I still have a hard time see him there and not Zach. It will be emotional for sure. Especially with what the next day is. And I have to got teach High School after, so that should be fun haha.

Anyway, I'm annoyed with typing, so I'm going to read more or just watch a movie... guess which one...

Warning! Single Girl Venting

I know, I know. I complain too much about being single. Mostly because this is one of the few places I can get my frustrations out. I think I preface every one of these entries that way anymore, and though I probably have all of 2 readers, I still feel it necessary to note that I'm not ALWAYS focused on being miserably single. I do enjoy life and being single, promise. I'm just saying it'd be nice to have a boyfriend too.

I know, like, way too many people getting married. I really, truly am happy for them. I mean that with all my heart. I love that people I know and care about have found the one person to complete them, their soul mate if you will. But when I see things on facebook that are pretty lovey dovey, coupley bull shit, I wanna cry. I want that. I want that so badly. I'm so focused on other things right now, paying off student loans, finishing my credential, helping out at home... I never do anything or go anywhere where I can meet people. The one boy who semi cares about me I push away simply because I know that nothing could and ever will happen. It's horrible. I want to be more out there. I attempted the online dating thing for a hot second then realized how many people on the internet can lie and stopped. I'm lonely.

I feel bad for my best friend. I almost feel like I put that loneliness on her too much. Whenever I'm upset or excited or whatever, I text/IM/call/talk to her about it. And that's not a bad thing. She's probably the first friend I've had that I could do that with and get that close to. I love that I have her there for me if I need her and even when I don't. But she does have a boyfriend and one of my biggest fears is getting in the way of her relationship with him. I don't want to be a nuisance. I don't want to be that girl. I especially don't want to be a third wheel. I love Mark, but I don't want to be in that position. And I'm sure they wouldn't want that either. I felt almost embarrassed when she told me that had talked about possibly hooking me up with one of his roommates. As much as I kinda want to meet a guy through my friends (since I figure it's a good way of meeting someone when you're shy, and making sure they aren't a creeper) I feel like "wow, am I that desperate?" And apparently they're good at the match making thing since they got some PC peeps together.

I don't know. I just saw a few too many soon-to-be-married gooey status updates and needed to vent. OH! I think I've mentioned this before, but OLIVIA is now saying how much she hates people talking about getting married. YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND, SHUT UP! haha I get that he's gone for the summer and that sucks, but I have no one. I have no boyfriend. She's halfway to the married thing basically. Sans ring.

Anyway, I wanna read a little before bed. "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo" is starting to get really good. It only took 300 pages for the story to really start haha.