On my way home from hanging out with friends last night I got very reflective.
Actually, that's a lie.
I was reflective before I even left. I was especially reflective after sending an impulsive text message to Memphis. And I continued to be reflective as I drove down the empty freeway at 1 in the morning.
These things happen... but why?
I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. Just as a side note, that does inform this a bit, I was talking with some friends about a person who doesn't seem to be able to start a sentence without I, Me, This one time I, Mine... basically without reference to herself. I feel like that's how 99.9% of my blogs are, and even some of my conversations with people, and that bothers me a lot.
As I was saying (ugh, again with the "I"), I've been thinking. I've noticed that things seem to fall into 3 indiscreet categories: Things I want, Things I need, and Things I have. Some of these things are really obvious, like I want more money, I need some money, I don't have much money.
But not everything is really that cut and dry.
There are some things I don't have, that I definitely want, but I'm not sure I need. Other things I need but I don't want.
It's all so complicated.
Sometimes... Not even that, ALL the time, I know I think too much. I'm in my head far too often. Not sure where I heard this quote but I love it, "get out of your head! It's nice out here in the real world." I feel like me telling myself that isn't enough though. I need more motivation. See, another need.
So, as I was thinking about it, these were some of the things that I need, somethings I want, and others that I may or may not have. Nothing about my thought process is linear, so if anyone actually reads this, good luck.
Of course the first thing on my list of wants is a boyfriend. I'm fucking over being single (For anyone who has EVER given me a hard time about always having a boyfriend, I've been single for almost 2 years, I have a right to want a relationship damn it!). I don't tell many people this, but one of my biggest fears is being a lonely old woman, or not finding "the one" until I'm too old to have children. I want to grow old with someone, not grow old then find someone. I know, I know... I'm 22! I'm not old by any means (unless you're DCI or WGI, but that's another story haha), but I'm never in the situation to meet someone new. I just finished winter guard, where the boys are more girly than I will probably ever be. I go to school with people who are at least 6 years older than me for the most part and most of them are married. I work at a high school, and there are so many things wrong about finding a boyfriend there it's not even remotely funny. So what does that leave me? I mentioned to my best friend I think friends are my only resource for finding a boyfriend, and she talked to her almost boyfriend to see if he knew anyone. While I love that she did that, do you know how pathetic it makes me feel?! I don't want to beg my friends for dates. The ONLY time a friend has ever set me up on a date it was with their older brother, which was fun, but definitely didn't feel any sparks.
I have a hard time opening up and making friends. I try, but I know I don't try enough. I'm not an outgoing person, and it's not a trait easily learned. If I were making a list (which I very well may), being more out going would probably be second or third on the wants, and first one the needs. I'm pretty confident most of the wants and needs could be taken care of simply by being more out going. I could probably enhance some of the haves too with more out going-ness.
So much easier said than done.
For needs, a job is pretty high on the list. I have been working on it. I send out applications, but school makes my availability pretty limited. It's so Catch-22: I need a job, so I go to school so I can get a good job, but in the mean time it keeps me from getting a job to simply make ends meet. I've also thought that a job would be an excellent place to meet a boy, but whatever haha. Like I said, I'm working on it, it's just hard to make things work with going to school at night and having Cal in the morning.
This leads me to something I do have. I do have Cal Hi. As frustrating it can be sometimes, I do have a job there where I realistically don't have to do all that much. Yes, I do a lot, but I know it's not like working at Target or something more mature. I'm grateful to have something.
I feel like I'm organizing my thoughts too much right now.
The way I look at it, here's where I want to be:
Teaching history somewhere in Southern California, preferably San Diego (Lealta got me hooked on that place :]), teaching guard and perhaps spinning.
That's it. I want the husband and kids and all that "American Dream" stuff, but for some reason, I can't see it. That scares the crap out of me. I want to see it, but I don't know. I sort of feel like I don't need it, which also scares me. Mostly because it's a new way of thinking for me. As little girls most of us, at least me any way, are taught that you get married, have babies, maybe work, maybe not. I've always been taught that was the way to go about things. I know it's what I've always wanted, so why is it so hard to see it?
I guess the main point of this is that wants, needs and haves don't necessarily line up. Our perceptions of these things is constantly changing, even if the things themselves don't.
...
To get a little out of character for me, I'm going to get a tad religious. I'm not the most religious person in the world, I've mentioned this before. I joke I'm the black sheep in the family because I don't go with them to church (which has nothing to do with religion, just church in general... but another conversation for another time). But this doesn't mean I don't believe in God. With all this thinking I've been doing I've been wondering what the plan is. I know what my plan is, but what about His plan? I mean, maybe I haven't found a boyfriend because I'm not supposed to yet, or maybe I'm just not supposed to have one. I don't know. I hate not knowing because I don't like not having control, but He's really the only one with control. I don't know. Like I've said, a few times now, I'm NOT really religious, so even me talking like this right now feels foreign to me. But I guess that's how it is?
I don't know how much is me still being frustrated and how much is me just not wanting to work on school work right now. I should probably focus on something I need to do, like this assignment. I feel like I have only scratched the surface of this want, need, have conversation (is it a conversation if I'm doing all the talking?), so I may write something about this again when I clear my head a bit and can quit writing in circles.
Ciao.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Lame Attempt @ Poetry
I do everything I can to not think about you.
not talk about you.
not call you.
not text you.
when all I want to do is hear your voice.
I miss you more than I want to.
I hate it.
its hard to fight the urge to call you.
especially late at night.
when the loneliness is too much to handle.
soon my resolve will strengthen.
it always does.
something will remind me just why I don't want to care about you.
but for now, it's hard to hold it back.
not talk about you.
not call you.
not text you.
when all I want to do is hear your voice.
I miss you more than I want to.
I hate it.
its hard to fight the urge to call you.
especially late at night.
when the loneliness is too much to handle.
soon my resolve will strengthen.
it always does.
something will remind me just why I don't want to care about you.
but for now, it's hard to hold it back.
"A tree for all these problems"
"Well hey, they just like monsters.... though to say we got much hope... if I am lost it's only for a little while..." (Monsters - Band of Horses)
I'm in one of those rut moods. Where everything is frustrating, and you just want something to change. Things are hardly what I thought they would be right now, but at the same time there are exactly as I expected. I just started my 3rd quarter at Cal Poly, finishing up the last of my courses I need before I start student teaching in the Fall. I'm leaving for Dayton, OH a week from today for WGI championships. I hardly see my PC family.
I'm feelin' pretty lonely.
Its sad that I kinda miss how things were right after Zach died. I feel horrible saying that, but I really do miss parts. Obviously I don't miss the depressing things. It's still something I have a hard time dealing with but I think I can say most people, myself included, are doing better than in the first few weeks and months after it happened. (side note, it's almost been 5 months... so crazy to think about) But right after it all happened, we were all so close. No one wanted to be alone, everyone was together. I miss that. Thanks to winter guard I haven't been able to do anything PC people have planned. I missed Vegas for Zach's birthday. I have WGASC champs the weekend of Big Bear, other various parties and meet ups have been when I've had rehearsals and shows.
It's really upsetting.
I already feel like I'm losing a BIG piece of my life not being able to march this summer, and I feel like I'm getting more severed from my PC family than I wanted. I always feel so out of the loop. Then, I when I do talk to them, I feel like I alienate them because everything that I have to talk about is like "Lealta this" or "teaching that".
I love that I have become closer with people on Lealta. I am so happy I decided to march and made it work. I just got a solo/duet this weekend (a boy on the guard is injured & I'm taking his spot in sabre exchange... it's kind of a big deal :D). I only get one chance to perform it before WGI Prelims :/ but I was catching on really fast on Sunday (when I learned it halfway through rehearsal haha) and 9 out of 10 times things went well. The people are funny and I have a good time with them.
But I miss my PC friends.
It's times like this that I want a boyfriend. I feel pretty pathetic, because I feel like this is the type of thing I ALWAYS write about when I write a blog, but its feeling like this that makes me want to write haha. I feel like I took a few steps backward in the shyness department somewhere. I was really being more out there for a while... at least more so than usual, and now I'm that girl who barely talks again. I hate that girl. But I'm just like, not motivated. I don't know. I want to meet someone new. Someone unrelated to drum corps but I don't know how to meet those kind of people.
Hence this rut feeling. This frustration. This loneliness.
There are lots of people I want to talk to, but I always end up getting burned or in the way.
UGH, I'm so pathetic tonight. Hopefully... scratch that. I KNOW tomorrow will be a better day. I have less than a week to Dayton. I'm so excited. At least I have that to focus on. After that, its schoooooooooool and finding a job. haha I'm so Debbie Downer when I shouldn't be.
<3
I'm in one of those rut moods. Where everything is frustrating, and you just want something to change. Things are hardly what I thought they would be right now, but at the same time there are exactly as I expected. I just started my 3rd quarter at Cal Poly, finishing up the last of my courses I need before I start student teaching in the Fall. I'm leaving for Dayton, OH a week from today for WGI championships. I hardly see my PC family.
I'm feelin' pretty lonely.
Its sad that I kinda miss how things were right after Zach died. I feel horrible saying that, but I really do miss parts. Obviously I don't miss the depressing things. It's still something I have a hard time dealing with but I think I can say most people, myself included, are doing better than in the first few weeks and months after it happened. (side note, it's almost been 5 months... so crazy to think about) But right after it all happened, we were all so close. No one wanted to be alone, everyone was together. I miss that. Thanks to winter guard I haven't been able to do anything PC people have planned. I missed Vegas for Zach's birthday. I have WGASC champs the weekend of Big Bear, other various parties and meet ups have been when I've had rehearsals and shows.
It's really upsetting.
I already feel like I'm losing a BIG piece of my life not being able to march this summer, and I feel like I'm getting more severed from my PC family than I wanted. I always feel so out of the loop. Then, I when I do talk to them, I feel like I alienate them because everything that I have to talk about is like "Lealta this" or "teaching that".
I love that I have become closer with people on Lealta. I am so happy I decided to march and made it work. I just got a solo/duet this weekend (a boy on the guard is injured & I'm taking his spot in sabre exchange... it's kind of a big deal :D). I only get one chance to perform it before WGI Prelims :/ but I was catching on really fast on Sunday (when I learned it halfway through rehearsal haha) and 9 out of 10 times things went well. The people are funny and I have a good time with them.
But I miss my PC friends.
It's times like this that I want a boyfriend. I feel pretty pathetic, because I feel like this is the type of thing I ALWAYS write about when I write a blog, but its feeling like this that makes me want to write haha. I feel like I took a few steps backward in the shyness department somewhere. I was really being more out there for a while... at least more so than usual, and now I'm that girl who barely talks again. I hate that girl. But I'm just like, not motivated. I don't know. I want to meet someone new. Someone unrelated to drum corps but I don't know how to meet those kind of people.
Hence this rut feeling. This frustration. This loneliness.
There are lots of people I want to talk to, but I always end up getting burned or in the way.
UGH, I'm so pathetic tonight. Hopefully... scratch that. I KNOW tomorrow will be a better day. I have less than a week to Dayton. I'm so excited. At least I have that to focus on. After that, its schoooooooooool and finding a job. haha I'm so Debbie Downer when I shouldn't be.
<3
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Happy Birthday
Dear Zach,
Happy Birthday. Today you would be... should be 21 years old. And of all days it's St. Patrick's Day, one of the holidays where it's socially acceptable to be shitfaced the whole day. I wish you could be here to celebrate. Just after midnight I took a double shot of grey goose & said a little toast to you. No chaser. Not fun, but I thought back to that party at Rob's, when you got dooped into taking a double shot with every age out there, & they were all doing water shots while you were doing vodka shots. Hilarious. I had to walk you back to the house after you insisted on walking me to my car.
I'm doing lots of remembering tonight.
I remember when you helped me move out of my apartment in Irvine. We were talking about birthdays for some reason and you mentioned how your sister was so excited for your 21st because it was on St. Patrick's Day. I really wish you could be here to have that birthday with your sister. I know she invited a bunch of your friends to Vegas for your birthday. I was supposed to go, but once I joined winter guard I didn't have the time or money for it. I hope they have fun. I know you'll be there in spirit celebrating with them.
I remember how you were there for me on my 21st. You carried me out of the restaurant to your car, then from your car to my back door. You were such a sweetheart. I still have all the pictures you took that night. In most of them you can almost tell I'm saying "Zach! Stop! No more pictures!" but you didn't. And even though you're only in I think 2 of those pictures, every single one reminds me of you.
I still miss you so much. A few days ago marked 4 months without you. It still seems surreal. 4 months! It's funny, I knew the date the entire day, but it really didn't hit me that it was the 13th until I took the floor for my competition. I think I had a better show because I thought about you. Things have gotten a little easier. That whole 'time heals all wounds' adage is true, but it still hurts. Sometimes it hits hard, other times I just smile thinking about you. I dread getting a voicemail anymore, because the only saved voicemail on my phone is the one from Stuart that morning, because I missed his call the first time. Just hearing the beginning gets my heart racing & I have to hang up. I'm always so scared to listen to voicemails, because I don't want to hear it on accident.
I haven't been to visit you in almost 2 months. I'm sorry. I want to, but I don't really want to go alone and I haven't really had time because of school. Lame excuses, I know. I'm on Spring Break for the next 2 weeks, and trust me, there's a trip to see you somewhere in there. I think you'd be happy for me for all the things I've been doing lately. At the golf tournament you asked me about my credential program and how I liked it. I had barely started it then, so I didn't really have much to say, but now I'm almost done. I'll start student teaching in the Fall. Like, I'm almost a real teacher. It's pretty crazy to think about, and I'm so nervous about it, but I know you'd be nothing but encouraging, telling me how I could be good at it. You were always good at helping me to see the other side of things. And this winter guard thing. I'm sure you would've been just as surprised as me that I'm actually doing this. But I know you'd be encouraging about it too.
I really miss you, Zach. Happy Birthday Buddy. I hope you have a great one up there. We'll all celebrate it down here as best we can without you.
Love,
Samantha
Happy Birthday. Today you would be... should be 21 years old. And of all days it's St. Patrick's Day, one of the holidays where it's socially acceptable to be shitfaced the whole day. I wish you could be here to celebrate. Just after midnight I took a double shot of grey goose & said a little toast to you. No chaser. Not fun, but I thought back to that party at Rob's, when you got dooped into taking a double shot with every age out there, & they were all doing water shots while you were doing vodka shots. Hilarious. I had to walk you back to the house after you insisted on walking me to my car.
I'm doing lots of remembering tonight.
I remember when you helped me move out of my apartment in Irvine. We were talking about birthdays for some reason and you mentioned how your sister was so excited for your 21st because it was on St. Patrick's Day. I really wish you could be here to have that birthday with your sister. I know she invited a bunch of your friends to Vegas for your birthday. I was supposed to go, but once I joined winter guard I didn't have the time or money for it. I hope they have fun. I know you'll be there in spirit celebrating with them.
I remember how you were there for me on my 21st. You carried me out of the restaurant to your car, then from your car to my back door. You were such a sweetheart. I still have all the pictures you took that night. In most of them you can almost tell I'm saying "Zach! Stop! No more pictures!" but you didn't. And even though you're only in I think 2 of those pictures, every single one reminds me of you.
I still miss you so much. A few days ago marked 4 months without you. It still seems surreal. 4 months! It's funny, I knew the date the entire day, but it really didn't hit me that it was the 13th until I took the floor for my competition. I think I had a better show because I thought about you. Things have gotten a little easier. That whole 'time heals all wounds' adage is true, but it still hurts. Sometimes it hits hard, other times I just smile thinking about you. I dread getting a voicemail anymore, because the only saved voicemail on my phone is the one from Stuart that morning, because I missed his call the first time. Just hearing the beginning gets my heart racing & I have to hang up. I'm always so scared to listen to voicemails, because I don't want to hear it on accident.
I haven't been to visit you in almost 2 months. I'm sorry. I want to, but I don't really want to go alone and I haven't really had time because of school. Lame excuses, I know. I'm on Spring Break for the next 2 weeks, and trust me, there's a trip to see you somewhere in there. I think you'd be happy for me for all the things I've been doing lately. At the golf tournament you asked me about my credential program and how I liked it. I had barely started it then, so I didn't really have much to say, but now I'm almost done. I'll start student teaching in the Fall. Like, I'm almost a real teacher. It's pretty crazy to think about, and I'm so nervous about it, but I know you'd be nothing but encouraging, telling me how I could be good at it. You were always good at helping me to see the other side of things. And this winter guard thing. I'm sure you would've been just as surprised as me that I'm actually doing this. But I know you'd be encouraging about it too.
I really miss you, Zach. Happy Birthday Buddy. I hope you have a great one up there. We'll all celebrate it down here as best we can without you.
Love,
Samantha
Friday, March 5, 2010
Dear You
Yes, you.
You know who you are.
Sorry for attempting to mend something that clearly will never be again. Clearly™. It was my mistake to think that things you said before may still be true. Obviously you have no need for my friendship anymore, and that's fine. I had already anticipated this, so it really doesn't sting as much as I thought it would. The thing is, I thought that maybe, just maybe... that you may miss me too.
I guess I've been right all along. I really should listen to myself more often. I miss who you used to be, and Clearly™ that person no longer exists. I may as well be missing a fictional character.
I won't bother you again with a random friend request. It was pretty thoughtless of me to send one in the first place. Regardless of how much I would love to cuss you out, cry, and be ridiculous over this, I refuse to be that immature.
Especially over you.
Instead, I hope you enjoy your life and that you are successful in what you do, though I do not agree with the way you're going about it. But, not my place to comment. Those are the type of things said to friends and judged of strangers, and frankly, that's all you will ever be to me now.
Have a nice life,
Samantha
You know who you are.
Sorry for attempting to mend something that clearly will never be again. Clearly™. It was my mistake to think that things you said before may still be true. Obviously you have no need for my friendship anymore, and that's fine. I had already anticipated this, so it really doesn't sting as much as I thought it would. The thing is, I thought that maybe, just maybe... that you may miss me too.
I guess I've been right all along. I really should listen to myself more often. I miss who you used to be, and Clearly™ that person no longer exists. I may as well be missing a fictional character.
I won't bother you again with a random friend request. It was pretty thoughtless of me to send one in the first place. Regardless of how much I would love to cuss you out, cry, and be ridiculous over this, I refuse to be that immature.
Especially over you.
Instead, I hope you enjoy your life and that you are successful in what you do, though I do not agree with the way you're going about it. But, not my place to comment. Those are the type of things said to friends and judged of strangers, and frankly, that's all you will ever be to me now.
Have a nice life,
Samantha
Monday, February 15, 2010
Trying To Sleep With A Broken Heart
Don't let the title fool you, I'm not heartbroken. I'm just very anti-Valentine's day, and even though it was yesterday, I'm STILL anti-Valentine's day lol. i just feel really restless right now and thought that writing would be a really good thing to help it. (And the title is the name a song we use for warmup at Lealta.)
It was a beautiful day today. I love the weather when it's warm. We had rehearsal outside at Cal today, and with it being so hot it reminded me of summer. Jenny and Jason were telling us after rehearsal on Saturday how hard the first season not spinning is. Jenny said that after she stopped doing Fantasia she had to wait two years to watch a show, which she only did to support Jason... and she cried like a baby. Ben said his first drum corps show after aging out he "cried like a royal bitch" in the stands. I stopped by PC rehearsal after Lealta on Sunday. I was SO excited that A) I left San Diego when the sun was still out! and B) PC would just be getting out by the time I'd reach the 57. It was pretty surreal. I felt a little mad at myself once I left Diamond Bar. I was a little spinning betty for a hot second while I was there... I hate being that girl that spins to get attention, but I definitely was :/ oh well, these things happen. But I was also mad at myself because I felt like I was intruding. I went mostly to see my best friend because our lives are too busy right now and I haven't seen her in forever, but I felt like I was just... I don't know how to explain it. It's like, even though PC will always be my home, I was a stranger. Granted, I don't know HALF the people marching, I just felt like an outsider. It's something I'll have to get used to I guess.
Admittedly, I'm waiting for my parents to go to sleep right now. Once they leave the room I'm going to start crying like a baby. Not really connected to the above paragraph, but sorta. I've been thinking a lot about Zach lately. A little more than usual. Saturday marked 3 months without him. That's just surreal. I wrote his initials and I-vii-I-vi-V on my wrist in sharpie on Saturday. Lealta people probably thought I was crazy because when they would ask what it was, my response was, "it's to keep me sane today." I had a mini-breakdown in the middle of rehearsal, luckily it wasn't when we were being worked with as a group. I was having a hell of a time with my rifle tosses, and my turn around was not happening... my 6 in general was not happening, so I was getting really frustrated. I just stayed in my little back corner and tossed and cried. Most people didn't notice, thankfully. Everyone was either attempting to be productive while Ben and Earnest worked with certain groups, or they were talking, so no one notice me. I stayed the night with Stephanie and Mani, mostly because just being with people who knew Zach made me feel better. They didn't know how upset I was, but they were a big help without realizing it. I swear, I've already had so many Zach-related breakdowns at Leatla they must think I'm crazy. I already feel like I'm barely fitting in just because I'm so shy and making new friends is really hard for me. I'm really working on it though. That's actually something Zach inspired in me. He always told me (before, during and after we were together) that I should talk me, be more social. I'm really trying, Zach, I am... though I can definitely hear him saying "do or do not. There is no try." Him and his stupid Yoda quote he'd always use on me whenever I said "I'm trying..." Gosh, I miss him. I was thinking about it on my drive to rehearsal Saturday, if he were still around I really wouldn't see him. I would probably get random picture comments or "likes" on Facebook. He'd say "Hi" when I'd stop by PC rehearsals or shows... but I don't know that we would have hung out all that much. Who knows. I guess that's something that we'll never know. But this is what I do know; I would much rather not hang out with him or really see him, but him still be with us, then him be gone. I was handling the other way so much better than I'm handing this lol. I miss you, Zachary.
In slightly less sad thoughts, I was looking at pictures of people on facebook that I am no longer friends with/not in touch with (aka fb stalking lol). It's really weird how much of a different path people take. I have had a pretty good "young adult" life. I'm happy with the person I'm becoming and the accomplishments I've made. I was looking at pictures of a girl I marched with my first year at Pacific Crest. We looked a lot alike, but I was older by 2 years. She was always "prettier" than me, and she's still pretty, but wow... oh how I judge lol. She's definitely bigger than me. I'm not liking how "big" (and I use that term VERY loosely) I am now, but this girl used to be a stick like me and she has some curves now (I'm being nice... she's not fat by any means, but she's not a twig anymore for sure). Almost ALL of her pictures are with a cup or bottle in her hand. If I'm not mistaken her 21st birthday isn't until THIS March... it's just really weird to think that we "looked alike" and people thought we were twins at one point, but she is like bazarro me. Then a girl from high school added me on facebook today. She was a year younger than me, her and her twin and older sister were all in guard with me. Yeah, she's definitely married and has a kid. The other twin is a normal college student. But like, WOW. I spent a lot of today helping my mom clean the house while watching Teen Mom on MTV and when I looked at this girl's facebook I felt like I was watching another episode. I started imagining myself in their lives... I appreciate my life lol. I mean, I don't even have a boyfriend right now, but just the thought of being married with a kid AT MY AGE is crazy. I feel like I'm just figuring out what I want out of my life, how could I figure out what to do for a little person? I don't know, it was interesting. And yeah, the party girl, definitely not me. I will get drunk, but it's on RARE occasion. And people who would read this know that if I've gotten drunk lately (lately being December) it's had to do with the paragraph above this one.
So, I'm just kind of writing about everything right now. I don't have time to blog much anymore, so I kind of need to get stuff out.
I hate to admit it, but I miss Noah. I miss him so much I hate myself. Seriously, WHY?!?! If I KNOW he's a douche bag and not worth my time, why do I want to call him? I haven't and won't, but the fact I want to bothers me SO much. Ever so often I'll look up his facebook to see things. Every picture I see I can tell now if he's high or not. 90% of his new ones are. It still bothers me that he spends so much of his time high. Seriously, why!? I'll admit I tried it (because of him), but I didn't really see the point. (Sidenote, When the PC booth at Los Altos was being planned and Zach asked me to help him out, I was actually looking forward to telling him about it to see his reaction lol. I don't think he would've believed me.) As much as I want to talk to Noah, my rational thoughts are too in control to let me actually pick up the phone. I swear, him telling me I was using Zach's death for attention was Zach's way of helping me let go. Noah may have stopped talking to me because of Brad, but I had already stopped talking to him... I just stopped responding after that. It's like a lightbulb went off. Thanks for waking me up, Zach. Whether or not it's really Zach's doing (because I know he hated Noah, and just a few weeks before at the golf tournament he called me out on it) but I like to think it was. I've had people tell me for YEARS he's not worth it and it was like this situation made me believe it. Yet I still miss him. But I established before, I miss who he used to be. He's not the same drum corps loving, guitar playing geek who wrote songs about me and told me he loved me all the time. That boy doesn't exist anymore. But then again, the girl he loved doesn't exist anymore either.
Things are changing so fast it feels like. I'm ridiculously busy. I feel like time is going super fast and slow at the same time. I hardly talk to anyone anymore except for Annie and Lealta people. I'm always busy with something, yet I'm ahead despite procrastinating. I'm just... I don't know. I'm overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. I had said before (I forget if this was in a conversation to someone or in a blog) that I purposely made my life too busy for a boyfriend, yet I'm finding myself lately really wanting one. I had an almost boyfriend in Brad, but I'm so afraid of commitment (and it just didn't feel right) that at the first signs of it I freak out. I don't know. Maybe it was because Valentine's just passed, or how lately I've been hearing a little more about Olivia and Jeremy and marriage... yeah... or just marriage in general. I have A LOT of friends who are engaged and several who are married already. I'm starting to feel like I'm going to end up an old maid, my students will be my children... That bothers me. I thought for a split second that I might like Brad still, but I just think that since he was the last boy I liked and Noah isn't around to be the "place holder boy," I was thinking that... I don't know. I swear I hate being a girl sometimes, all this lovey dovey stuff is crap yet I'm sucker for it just as much as the next girl. I think I may have written enough for the night.
<3
It was a beautiful day today. I love the weather when it's warm. We had rehearsal outside at Cal today, and with it being so hot it reminded me of summer. Jenny and Jason were telling us after rehearsal on Saturday how hard the first season not spinning is. Jenny said that after she stopped doing Fantasia she had to wait two years to watch a show, which she only did to support Jason... and she cried like a baby. Ben said his first drum corps show after aging out he "cried like a royal bitch" in the stands. I stopped by PC rehearsal after Lealta on Sunday. I was SO excited that A) I left San Diego when the sun was still out! and B) PC would just be getting out by the time I'd reach the 57. It was pretty surreal. I felt a little mad at myself once I left Diamond Bar. I was a little spinning betty for a hot second while I was there... I hate being that girl that spins to get attention, but I definitely was :/ oh well, these things happen. But I was also mad at myself because I felt like I was intruding. I went mostly to see my best friend because our lives are too busy right now and I haven't seen her in forever, but I felt like I was just... I don't know how to explain it. It's like, even though PC will always be my home, I was a stranger. Granted, I don't know HALF the people marching, I just felt like an outsider. It's something I'll have to get used to I guess.
Admittedly, I'm waiting for my parents to go to sleep right now. Once they leave the room I'm going to start crying like a baby. Not really connected to the above paragraph, but sorta. I've been thinking a lot about Zach lately. A little more than usual. Saturday marked 3 months without him. That's just surreal. I wrote his initials and I-vii-I-vi-V on my wrist in sharpie on Saturday. Lealta people probably thought I was crazy because when they would ask what it was, my response was, "it's to keep me sane today." I had a mini-breakdown in the middle of rehearsal, luckily it wasn't when we were being worked with as a group. I was having a hell of a time with my rifle tosses, and my turn around was not happening... my 6 in general was not happening, so I was getting really frustrated. I just stayed in my little back corner and tossed and cried. Most people didn't notice, thankfully. Everyone was either attempting to be productive while Ben and Earnest worked with certain groups, or they were talking, so no one notice me. I stayed the night with Stephanie and Mani, mostly because just being with people who knew Zach made me feel better. They didn't know how upset I was, but they were a big help without realizing it. I swear, I've already had so many Zach-related breakdowns at Leatla they must think I'm crazy. I already feel like I'm barely fitting in just because I'm so shy and making new friends is really hard for me. I'm really working on it though. That's actually something Zach inspired in me. He always told me (before, during and after we were together) that I should talk me, be more social. I'm really trying, Zach, I am... though I can definitely hear him saying "do or do not. There is no try." Him and his stupid Yoda quote he'd always use on me whenever I said "I'm trying..." Gosh, I miss him. I was thinking about it on my drive to rehearsal Saturday, if he were still around I really wouldn't see him. I would probably get random picture comments or "likes" on Facebook. He'd say "Hi" when I'd stop by PC rehearsals or shows... but I don't know that we would have hung out all that much. Who knows. I guess that's something that we'll never know. But this is what I do know; I would much rather not hang out with him or really see him, but him still be with us, then him be gone. I was handling the other way so much better than I'm handing this lol. I miss you, Zachary.
In slightly less sad thoughts, I was looking at pictures of people on facebook that I am no longer friends with/not in touch with (aka fb stalking lol). It's really weird how much of a different path people take. I have had a pretty good "young adult" life. I'm happy with the person I'm becoming and the accomplishments I've made. I was looking at pictures of a girl I marched with my first year at Pacific Crest. We looked a lot alike, but I was older by 2 years. She was always "prettier" than me, and she's still pretty, but wow... oh how I judge lol. She's definitely bigger than me. I'm not liking how "big" (and I use that term VERY loosely) I am now, but this girl used to be a stick like me and she has some curves now (I'm being nice... she's not fat by any means, but she's not a twig anymore for sure). Almost ALL of her pictures are with a cup or bottle in her hand. If I'm not mistaken her 21st birthday isn't until THIS March... it's just really weird to think that we "looked alike" and people thought we were twins at one point, but she is like bazarro me. Then a girl from high school added me on facebook today. She was a year younger than me, her and her twin and older sister were all in guard with me. Yeah, she's definitely married and has a kid. The other twin is a normal college student. But like, WOW. I spent a lot of today helping my mom clean the house while watching Teen Mom on MTV and when I looked at this girl's facebook I felt like I was watching another episode. I started imagining myself in their lives... I appreciate my life lol. I mean, I don't even have a boyfriend right now, but just the thought of being married with a kid AT MY AGE is crazy. I feel like I'm just figuring out what I want out of my life, how could I figure out what to do for a little person? I don't know, it was interesting. And yeah, the party girl, definitely not me. I will get drunk, but it's on RARE occasion. And people who would read this know that if I've gotten drunk lately (lately being December) it's had to do with the paragraph above this one.
So, I'm just kind of writing about everything right now. I don't have time to blog much anymore, so I kind of need to get stuff out.
I hate to admit it, but I miss Noah. I miss him so much I hate myself. Seriously, WHY?!?! If I KNOW he's a douche bag and not worth my time, why do I want to call him? I haven't and won't, but the fact I want to bothers me SO much. Ever so often I'll look up his facebook to see things. Every picture I see I can tell now if he's high or not. 90% of his new ones are. It still bothers me that he spends so much of his time high. Seriously, why!? I'll admit I tried it (because of him), but I didn't really see the point. (Sidenote, When the PC booth at Los Altos was being planned and Zach asked me to help him out, I was actually looking forward to telling him about it to see his reaction lol. I don't think he would've believed me.) As much as I want to talk to Noah, my rational thoughts are too in control to let me actually pick up the phone. I swear, him telling me I was using Zach's death for attention was Zach's way of helping me let go. Noah may have stopped talking to me because of Brad, but I had already stopped talking to him... I just stopped responding after that. It's like a lightbulb went off. Thanks for waking me up, Zach. Whether or not it's really Zach's doing (because I know he hated Noah, and just a few weeks before at the golf tournament he called me out on it) but I like to think it was. I've had people tell me for YEARS he's not worth it and it was like this situation made me believe it. Yet I still miss him. But I established before, I miss who he used to be. He's not the same drum corps loving, guitar playing geek who wrote songs about me and told me he loved me all the time. That boy doesn't exist anymore. But then again, the girl he loved doesn't exist anymore either.
Things are changing so fast it feels like. I'm ridiculously busy. I feel like time is going super fast and slow at the same time. I hardly talk to anyone anymore except for Annie and Lealta people. I'm always busy with something, yet I'm ahead despite procrastinating. I'm just... I don't know. I'm overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. I had said before (I forget if this was in a conversation to someone or in a blog) that I purposely made my life too busy for a boyfriend, yet I'm finding myself lately really wanting one. I had an almost boyfriend in Brad, but I'm so afraid of commitment (and it just didn't feel right) that at the first signs of it I freak out. I don't know. Maybe it was because Valentine's just passed, or how lately I've been hearing a little more about Olivia and Jeremy and marriage... yeah... or just marriage in general. I have A LOT of friends who are engaged and several who are married already. I'm starting to feel like I'm going to end up an old maid, my students will be my children... That bothers me. I thought for a split second that I might like Brad still, but I just think that since he was the last boy I liked and Noah isn't around to be the "place holder boy," I was thinking that... I don't know. I swear I hate being a girl sometimes, all this lovey dovey stuff is crap yet I'm sucker for it just as much as the next girl. I think I may have written enough for the night.
<3
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Too Frustrated For School
I should be doing homework. I worked hard to try to be somewhat ahead but it's falling to the wayside. I'm too frustrated over stupid shit right now to do anything. I want to vent to my best friend about it, but right now she's going through a really hard time, so I figure I need to step back and be the listener for her and just blog my frustrations out here.
So It's been about 3 months since Zach died. 12 weeks as of Friday and 3 months on the 13th (duh). Since then I haven't really talked to Noah. We stopped talking over a little thing I posted on Twitter about Brad.
Too bad that turned out to be nothing more than a crush.
Too bad that wasn't the real reason we stopped talking.
That was when Noah stopped talking to me. I stopped talking to him well before that. By well, I mean like a week or so before. He said I was using Zach's death to get attention. If I did that, I wasn't doing it intentionally, but looking back I can almost see where he would get that idea from. So we haven't talked since Thanksgiving. That's not a super long time, but long enough. I have thought about talking to him a few times since we stopped talking, but I've had a few friends that have talked me out of it. It's hard for my not to talk to him. As much as I'm angry over the person he's become, I still wish that he was the boy I fell in love with. I still care about him and think about him often. But I know that we're two VERY different people now and that any idea I had over the last year about us having a future was immature and childish.
But even though I feel this way, I still can't help but miss him. I went through the trouble of blocking him on every social network possible (myspace, facebook, twitter...) but he did nothing more than "unfriend" me. So I still check up on him from time to time, knowing that he will not be able to see things I do. It kills me that I'm still so possessive and jealous for no reason. He hasn't been "mine" for 4 years... seems like a lot longer. 4 years, yet when I see mention of Melissa (aka Alabama Girl who he met on myspace and he was with after me, who now goes to UofM with him) I get SUPER jealous. As jealous as a girlfriend. But that is NOT what I am. I'm a jealous ex-girlfriend. I hate admitting it, but that's what I am. I've been one for a while. It bothers me. I don't want to be the jealous ex.
It doesn't make sense.
I'm happy with how things are right now. Sure, there are times when I want a boyfriend, but I've kind of made myself purposely too busy to have one. One of the things I've taken form Zach's death was that I need to live my life a little more. I've been on such a set path, that I feel like I missed out on some important things. Recently RBG answered one of those Social Interview things on my facebook, and it asked if I was a risk taker. He said "Sorry, no." Which is true, but my idea of "risk" is different than other people's. The big "risk" I'm taking right now is winter guard. Something I basically SWORE I wouldn't do. I have never been a fan. But Lealta is different. I love it. I guess I just don't like high school winter guard. The risk is, I have school. I have A LOT going on with school. Its a big challenge.
I'm not a real risk taker. I wish I was, but I'm okay with not being one. I'm definitely the "rather safe than sorry" type. I still take a jacket with me EVERYWHERE, even in summer, "just in case." I don't know how to be a risk taker. The times I've tried to be one, I've just been stupid. And usually drunk.
So to get back to my point, I'm happy without a boyfriend. I've been with so many boys, me being single is important to me. Everyday I find out a little more about the person I am and the kind of person I do want to be with. Do I still worry about finding "the one"? Sure, but I'm not that stressed to find him that I try to force every boy I date to fit into the mold, even if it's plainly obvious he's not the guy.
That's how I feel about Noah.
I feel like I've been trying to make him fit into a mold of what I want. I've over looked things that bother me and come up with excuses for him. I'm done being "that girl" (ask me sometime for the "scientific" difference between "this guy/girl" and "that guy/girl"). I'm just so... done.
But I still miss him.
I'm a walking paradox. No joke, I almost picked up my phone a little while ago and text him that I was pissed off with this situation. I would have been an angry and pathetic "I hate you, but I miss you" text. As I picked up my phone I got a text message from Annie. I had to swallow the self-centered crap and remember that I really don't have any problems right now. It reminded me that I need to be there for other people too, and not just complain all the time. So instead of an angry/pathetic text to a boy not worth my time, I sent a long text to me friend trying to help her. I know that Zach would approve.
So It's been about 3 months since Zach died. 12 weeks as of Friday and 3 months on the 13th (duh). Since then I haven't really talked to Noah. We stopped talking over a little thing I posted on Twitter about Brad.
Too bad that turned out to be nothing more than a crush.
Too bad that wasn't the real reason we stopped talking.
That was when Noah stopped talking to me. I stopped talking to him well before that. By well, I mean like a week or so before. He said I was using Zach's death to get attention. If I did that, I wasn't doing it intentionally, but looking back I can almost see where he would get that idea from. So we haven't talked since Thanksgiving. That's not a super long time, but long enough. I have thought about talking to him a few times since we stopped talking, but I've had a few friends that have talked me out of it. It's hard for my not to talk to him. As much as I'm angry over the person he's become, I still wish that he was the boy I fell in love with. I still care about him and think about him often. But I know that we're two VERY different people now and that any idea I had over the last year about us having a future was immature and childish.
But even though I feel this way, I still can't help but miss him. I went through the trouble of blocking him on every social network possible (myspace, facebook, twitter...) but he did nothing more than "unfriend" me. So I still check up on him from time to time, knowing that he will not be able to see things I do. It kills me that I'm still so possessive and jealous for no reason. He hasn't been "mine" for 4 years... seems like a lot longer. 4 years, yet when I see mention of Melissa (aka Alabama Girl who he met on myspace and he was with after me, who now goes to UofM with him) I get SUPER jealous. As jealous as a girlfriend. But that is NOT what I am. I'm a jealous ex-girlfriend. I hate admitting it, but that's what I am. I've been one for a while. It bothers me. I don't want to be the jealous ex.
It doesn't make sense.
I'm happy with how things are right now. Sure, there are times when I want a boyfriend, but I've kind of made myself purposely too busy to have one. One of the things I've taken form Zach's death was that I need to live my life a little more. I've been on such a set path, that I feel like I missed out on some important things. Recently RBG answered one of those Social Interview things on my facebook, and it asked if I was a risk taker. He said "Sorry, no." Which is true, but my idea of "risk" is different than other people's. The big "risk" I'm taking right now is winter guard. Something I basically SWORE I wouldn't do. I have never been a fan. But Lealta is different. I love it. I guess I just don't like high school winter guard. The risk is, I have school. I have A LOT going on with school. Its a big challenge.
I'm not a real risk taker. I wish I was, but I'm okay with not being one. I'm definitely the "rather safe than sorry" type. I still take a jacket with me EVERYWHERE, even in summer, "just in case." I don't know how to be a risk taker. The times I've tried to be one, I've just been stupid. And usually drunk.
So to get back to my point, I'm happy without a boyfriend. I've been with so many boys, me being single is important to me. Everyday I find out a little more about the person I am and the kind of person I do want to be with. Do I still worry about finding "the one"? Sure, but I'm not that stressed to find him that I try to force every boy I date to fit into the mold, even if it's plainly obvious he's not the guy.
That's how I feel about Noah.
I feel like I've been trying to make him fit into a mold of what I want. I've over looked things that bother me and come up with excuses for him. I'm done being "that girl" (ask me sometime for the "scientific" difference between "this guy/girl" and "that guy/girl"). I'm just so... done.
But I still miss him.
I'm a walking paradox. No joke, I almost picked up my phone a little while ago and text him that I was pissed off with this situation. I would have been an angry and pathetic "I hate you, but I miss you" text. As I picked up my phone I got a text message from Annie. I had to swallow the self-centered crap and remember that I really don't have any problems right now. It reminded me that I need to be there for other people too, and not just complain all the time. So instead of an angry/pathetic text to a boy not worth my time, I sent a long text to me friend trying to help her. I know that Zach would approve.
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