Why is this so back and forth? Why do we have this seemingly, never-ending cycle for a relationship; where we hate each other, slowly start to miss each other, then it seems like we can really be friends... or maybe more... then it all comes crashing down? I really hate it. I want something real, something for sure, something that will last. I hate getting sucked into this. I really try not to but for some reason I keep coming back. I feel like this is one big game. When one of us gives in to talk to the other, that person loses. All I did was send an innocent text message right now, nothing like "I miss you so much" or anything, just a question about barbecue, and now I feel like I am a complete failure. I just lost the game.

I was watching a show earlier ("What I Like About You," haha I've seen almost EVERY episode) and the character Holly was talking about how she always goes back to this boy named Vince... and her sister was like "if you keep going back to him, what do you think that means?" and then Holly said something about loving him. It got me thinking about this situation.

Do I still love him? If you ask me the question out right, I will probably answer, without hesitation, no. Because to me, in my mind, I don't. He is nothing I want in a boyfriend. He is not someone I can see myself with in the long run. I'm a pretty low key girl; I don't party, I don't go to clubs... I'm really quite boring. I sometimes wish I was the girl who did all those things, but being the "boring" girl has led me to being a much stronger, independent person than I thought possible. I've already graduated college, started on the path to my dream career, and I'm only 22 (well, for a few more weeks anyway :]); and most of those party girls I know are either doing nothing with their degrees or still in college, or even dropped out. He is a lot like those party girls. He's in numerous rock/jazz/blues bands. He does drugs, and dropped out of college, where he had a FULL RIDE to a great school for his craft. These things make perfect sense to him, it's his dream life and he's already living it. I don't fit into that world, and I don't think I ever could.

Now, this is all on paper. On paper we have SO little in common, it makes you wonder why I keep having some sort of attachment to him. It's the other things, the things that don't really make sense on the page, that make me as attracted to him as a bug to a bug zapper. Seriously, think about it. The bug probably just watched a few of its friends get killed by this bright, shinning light, but it can't help but want to go to the light. I feel like that about this situation. As much as he is selfish and I can seriously hate him, he is funny. He has turned me on to so many new things, some of my favorite movies and songs. Granted, I can't be sure I don't just like those things because they remind me of him or if I really do like them, but still. Even when we hate each other, we can still have a good conversation. Most of the time that will turn into a fight, but it is usually resolved in the course of the conversation. We also get extremely jealous of each other. I thought this was just me, because I am just a jealous person (I hate that about myself, but it's who I am) but he gets JUST as jealous of people/boys I talk to. There is just something so... familiar about him. I feel safe. Despite the time or distance between us I can talk to him about (almost) anything... and even he can get excited about things in my "boring" life.

Maybe it is these things that don't show up on the page that keep bring me back to him. But is that really good? Is that healthy. I don't feel like it is. In fact, the last 7 months of my life have been devoted to pushing him away at every turn. This is not to say I haven't had moments where I broke, texting or calling him. But, going back to my little "game," I usually just sulk, complain to my best friend, and wait for when he gives in to contact me. I always say/feel like I win every time he calls me and I don't answer. Even now. My innocent BBQ question turned into a mini conversation... the first we've had in probably a week or so... and a month before that... and it was all because he kept texting me. all of my texts were ones that could have easily ended the conversation. But I still feel like I have "lost" this round because, I text him first, and I sent the last text which he did not respond to. Almost everything I say to him is katty and slightly bitchy... annoyed... because I get that way usually when I talk to him.

But the fact that lately, for some unknown reason, I have not been able to get him off my mind, that I have thought about giving in to call or text him and this was the first "legitimate" reason I've had to do so, and the conversation is over and I "miss" him... that makes me feel like the loser. I don't like losing this game. I don't even want to play it! I think most of my blogs have either been about him or Zach... it's really sad if you think about it. The ex-boyfriend I keep coming back to and the one that is really gone and I don't think I am/was ever over.

I swear, I need a new name to add to this blog haha. I need to find someone... and I need to actively search... it's been almost 2 years since Zach and I broke up... and he was my last "official" boyfriend (even though Noah and I did date on and off since then)... and I strongly dislike writing blogs like this, but I do it still... like I keep coming back to him... maybe that's just the person I am... who knows. I needed to vent though, get this all off my chest. I feel like I did just that. At least a little bit.

Trip

So I was offered the chance for a trip. A trip where I wouldn't have to pay anything (in theory). I was offered this trip at 2am, while half asleep. I said I would think about it, and answer when I was actually awake.

This was about a month ago. I still haven't officially answered. But I just gave an almost answer. I said yes, as long as it was before band camp. That doesn't necessarily work for the other person tho.

I always start off being vague, when I know people will already know who I'm talking about. Yes, Noah offered to fly my out to Memphis for a week. He's apparently moving home in a year, but wants to show me his life out there. It's kinda nice of him, but I have a life too... & it's not very often I have the ability to just take off to the other side of the country for a week. I'm working full time this summer, so even though I'm done with drum corps, doesn't mean I have a summer to just goof off. I was thinking, I'd say yes if he'd be willing to do it before I have to go to band camp, only for a few days instead of a full week, and preferably around my birthday, since I really don't have plans for that. Well this doesn't work for thim. He's trying to save up to visit his mom in Nebraska first, and that's in August.

So basically he wants me to come in the winter or fall, when it's all cold & shit. I can deal with the humidity & heat of summer. Cold? Snow? Rain? No. Just. No. Plus, like I said, I have a life. He may not be in school anymore (& trust, I'm still upset with him for dropping out) but I start student teaching in the fall. I'm working at 2 high schools while doing that, I still have to go to actual classes... this fall is going to be the hardest test of my abilities as a teacher yet. If I can survive this, then I think I'll be ready to be a real teacher. I can't just say, "hey, I'm peacing out to Memphis for a week." He was like "you have to have a little break in there somewhere." Yes, Noah, it's called Christmas. You know, that holiday most people spend with their families? I also told him that our friendship is so on-again/off-again I don't even know if we'll be on speaking terms that far ahead. We're only just starting to talk again now, & even then he pisses me off half the time.

You'd think that would mean I'd be whatever about visiting him. But seriously? I really want to. I would LOVE to go visit the South and not have it be with drum corps. That sounds like so much fun. Maybe it's because I'm still in my Gone With The Wind phase, but I really want to go visit the South. I would only want to stay a few days because quite frankly, his party lifestyle is just not me. We turned out to be 2 VERY different people. I am not a party girl at all. I like to drink and have fun with my friends, but not like surrounded by like 300 other people I don't know. That's just not my thing, at all. He said he would want to show me his life there, take me to one of his gigs. I'm fine with that. But a week of that? No thanks. Plus, I'm SO putting my foot down about the drugs thing. He'd have to be clean for me to go all the way out there. It's kind of funny, because I'm like putting all these stipulations to me taking HIS offer to PAY FOR ME to go out there. I'm sorry, I know this boy too well I'm not playing his games. He's going to have to play mine if he wants me out there.

The night he called to ask me to go to Memphis, he also told me he loved me & missed me. He hasn't done that in a very long time. I don't love him anymore, I miss him, but no love. There are feelings there, but I have no clue what you would call them. Most of the time I talk to him, I'm excited to see his name on me phone, but once I answer I'm just pissed off. Rarely do I enjoy talking to him. I think it's just hard to let go because he was my first love. I really do want a boyfriend and all that jazz, but I know Noah is not the right guy for that. I don't think he ever will be. We want very different things from life and quite frankly, I'm allowed to be picky when it comes to finding someone I want to be with for the rest of my life. I have a feeling I'm going to be waiting a long time, but once I find the right guy, the wait will have been worth it. So Noah telling me he loves me may be flattering, but also scares me.

I've been thinking about this a lot today & thought that I would just write it down because seeing the words helps me think through my thoughts.


Read more: http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&bID=535920488#ixzz0r32J9uEs

Laredo

I have been in love with Band of Horses for a few years now. I keep telling people how AMAZING their song The Funeral is, because it is honestly my favorite song.

Well, I didn't think anyone listened to me.

Skip to the other day when I was sitting in work & what comes on the radio? Laredo! The new Band of Horses single off their album Infinite Arms. I love the song, I do. But it's kind of like, FINALLY! & Laredo isn't even the best song on the album (I'm equally as smitten with Factory, On My Way Back Home, NW Apt. & Compliments)

But really folks, listen to some of their older stuff! I still say that The Funeral is the best song they've done, but here is my MUST list for this band.

- The Funeral (Everything All The Time)
- Monster (Everything All The Time)
- Is There A Ghost In My House? (Cease to Begin)
- No Ones Gonna Love You (Cease to Begin)
- Factory (Infinite Arms)
- Compliments (Infinite Arms)
- NW Apt. (Infinite Arms)
- Cigarettes, Wedding Bands (Cease to Begin)
- Dilly (Infinite Arms)
- Your Love Is Forever (A cover of a George Harrison song)
- Laredo (Infinite Arms)


I know this will probably not be read nor will people take my music advice, but I just thought I'd put it out there just in case :]

Freedom?

I know I haven't written anything in a while. Part of it is because I came to the realization that by putting something online, I'm making it known... it no longer belongs to me. Not really new information, I just realized that maybe I should start keeping things to myself. That, and I feel like I complain ENTIRELY too much, especially in my blogs. But oh well. Tis life. I'm procrastinating on my LAST assignment of the school year, and I'm so freakin' bored I'm considering working on this thing. Yeah, I'm that bored haha.

Let's see, where to start?

I've been applying for jobs like crazy. The realization that I barely have money available on my credit card and little money in my bank account has made me really nervous about the summer. I wanted to actually, you know, do stuff this summer. At this rate, I'll be lucky to pay bills, let alone get to so stuff. So yeah, that's been pretty stressful. Whatever. I've had 2 interviews. Didn't get either job, but I felt it was at least a good warm up. I sent in my resume for this job at the Boys and Girls club today. I'm pretty excited because I really want to work there. We'll see what happens. Hopefully they at least interview me.

I got accepted to student teach in the fall, but I still have NO CLUE where. Oh, and did I mention that I probably won't know until mid-September... after most school's have been in session for almost a month... Um... yeah, awesome. -__-. But whatever. I'm just excited that things are moving along in my career goals. I've already made the decision to go straight into grad school after I finish my credential. I mean, the likelihood there will be teaching jobs available this time next year is looking pretty thin. I figure, I will need to get my master's down the road anyway (because of how teacher pay scales go) so I may as well just get it now. Plus I can keep my in-school deferment on my loans... while acquiring more of them... oh joy. haha. I still have to figure out what to get my master's in. I'm kind of leaning toward education because I think it would help me be a stronger teacher, but I really love the idea of taking more history classes. I figure, if I don't make up my mind by November when all the applications are due, I'll just apply everywhere (i.e. Cal Poly Pomona, Cal State Fullerton, Cal State Long Beach... MAYBE SDSU, & U of La Verne) for both History and Education, then decide based on what programs I get accepted to.

I was kind of thinking of going back to UCI because I LOVED the History dept. there, but with the way the UC tuitions are going up, and the already ridiculous cost of living in Irvine, Cal States are the way to go. I did it the financially smart way, UC then Cal State. Olivia, on the other hand, is doing the opposite. I mean, it's a REALLY good thing she got a full ride to UCSB. I think she'll love it up there. Well, everything but Jeremy being down here haha. Her and my Dad had a "shit just got real" kind of talk tonight. She has been thinking that she can live in a quiet neighborhood, in her own apartment, off campus, living off giving flute lessons. Um, news flash sister, Santa Barbra ain't cheap. Olivia has never had a real job, and while I give her a hard time for it, I do it because I care. Like, seriously! She's 21! She has NO work experience. How does she expect to even be able to AFFORD living up there. She has NO money in savings, all the money she currently has is going toward this stupid road trip with Jeremy. I love her, and I just want her to be happy. But she has to be realistic. If she lived in the grad school dorms, she'd be perfect. It'd be covered by the full ride. BUT she doesn't like people. Like, really. C'mon! She get's a $500 allowance to pay for extra stuff, like books. But that's it. She has no money! At this point, she's commuting from Whittier to UCSB in the fall because she has nowhere to live. And HEAVEN FORBID she live where other college kids live, because they party and are loud. Dude, get over it! Make the best of a bad sich. She NEEDS to lighten up. Like, if ANYONE ever tells me I'm too picky or anything like that, I'll just have them meet my sister. The way I look at it, she has a good thing. My parents KNOW I want out of here. I want out of here so freakin' bad. But I'm trying to do the responsible thing and take care of my debt (which isn't as bad as other people I know), trying to find a (technically 3rd) job, I help out a HELL OF A LOT MORE around the house... I don't know. I just feel like she takes what we have for granted. And my parents have NO way of helping her. Like, business is seriously bad and it scares me. I've decided when I find a job I'm paying rent, even though they don't ask. I just want to help. I see my little brother, almost in college, and I get scared he won't have the chance OIivia and I had, just because of the stupid economy. Michael is smarter than BOTH of us, he deserves a great college experience.

So yeah. Just some rants. I think I'm getting sick. My throat has been killing me. It could also be that I've started using the ceiling fan in my room, and fans/AC always get me, but we'll see. Um... we did captain/drum major interviews at Cal today. I think my Bro has a good shot at DM, or at least Asst. DM. We'll see. My opinion is, of course, biased.

That's all I can think of for the moment. Not as much complaining... at least about myself, just complaining about Olivia :P

Au Revoir

I feel like I'm in one big in between.

I hate it.

I feel like I'm waiting for something but I don't know what. I don't want to wait anymore. I don't want to feel so restless. I want something new. Someone new.

I have been having a lot of weird dreams lately. I don't remember them well, but they're VERY vivid and I don't sleep well. I always wake up tired anymore... well, for the last week anyway. Most of the dreams have Noah in them. I just talked to him not too long ago. It was the third night in a row that he called me, and he sent me a message on facebook of links to videos he wanted me to watch of him performing. I told him I didn't watch them, and basically just sounded really annoyed when I was on the phone with him, I think the call lasted 3 minutes, if that. I honestly don't know if I was really annoyed or acting annoyed because I feel like I should be annoyed. I know he's no good for me. I know this and I let him in still. I'm tired of it. I want something new dammit, and he's still trying to pull the same ol' bullshit. I did watch a little of the videos he sent me. I couldn't watch them all the way through because I really did get annoyed. I just think about things like how he dropped out of school, he's still a party animal, and pot smoker... he's not the sweet Noah that I have dreams about...

I want to know what these dreams mean, so I looked up the things in a dream dictionary. Apparently I'm facing my past or some such shit? I don't know. I had a really weird dream last night that he actually wasn't in. In it they were like letting me march this summer even though clearly™ I've aged out, but then I was faced with having to choose between winter guard next year, or summer this year, because of money. I think it was because I fell asleep trying to decide whether or not to go to Lealta auditions this weekend. I was going to go, but I don't really have the money for it (only $30, but still) and I kind of want my weekend. And it is mother's day weekend after all, I should be home with my mom. So I sorta lied and said that I had family stuff come up. Really, I wanted to have a weekend. But I still want to go. I miss spinning so much and I love all those people. But it's a lot of time and work to get down there. I will do summer program and all that good stuff, and I'm driving down next weekend for banquet, so I'll still see all my friends soon.

I tried applying for a bunch of jobs today. Let's hope I hear something soon. I really want to be working full time this summer. It hit me today I have 1 or 2 more pay checks coming my way from Cal for the school year, that's about $1000... I need more than that to get through the summer and have a life. So let's hope I hear something. Also, I still haven't got my check for Cal this month, so here's hoping that it's the mail tomorrow (they still have Saturday mail right?). Well, I was really just a little frustrated, so I decided to write something. I really do have other things going on in my life, I swear I don't just sit here complaining... though it does account for some of my time :] I mean, I have my teaching credential stuff going for me, which I'm like throwing myself into at the moment. So yeah. All right. time for bed...

<3

Want, Need, Have

On my way home from hanging out with friends last night I got very reflective.

Actually, that's a lie.

I was reflective before I even left. I was especially reflective after sending an impulsive text message to Memphis. And I continued to be reflective as I drove down the empty freeway at 1 in the morning.

These things happen... but why?

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. Just as a side note, that does inform this a bit, I was talking with some friends about a person who doesn't seem to be able to start a sentence without I, Me, This one time I, Mine... basically without reference to herself. I feel like that's how 99.9% of my blogs are, and even some of my conversations with people, and that bothers me a lot.

As I was saying (ugh, again with the "I"), I've been thinking. I've noticed that things seem to fall into 3 indiscreet categories: Things I want, Things I need, and Things I have. Some of these things are really obvious, like I want more money, I need some money, I don't have much money.

But not everything is really that cut and dry.

There are some things I don't have, that I definitely want, but I'm not sure I need. Other things I need but I don't want.

It's all so complicated.

Sometimes... Not even that, ALL the time, I know I think too much. I'm in my head far too often. Not sure where I heard this quote but I love it, "get out of your head! It's nice out here in the real world." I feel like me telling myself that isn't enough though. I need more motivation. See, another need.

So, as I was thinking about it, these were some of the things that I need, somethings I want, and others that I may or may not have. Nothing about my thought process is linear, so if anyone actually reads this, good luck.

Of course the first thing on my list of wants is a boyfriend. I'm fucking over being single (For anyone who has EVER given me a hard time about always having a boyfriend, I've been single for almost 2 years, I have a right to want a relationship damn it!). I don't tell many people this, but one of my biggest fears is being a lonely old woman, or not finding "the one" until I'm too old to have children. I want to grow old with someone, not grow old then find someone. I know, I know... I'm 22! I'm not old by any means (unless you're DCI or WGI, but that's another story haha), but I'm never in the situation to meet someone new. I just finished winter guard, where the boys are more girly than I will probably ever be. I go to school with people who are at least 6 years older than me for the most part and most of them are married. I work at a high school, and there are so many things wrong about finding a boyfriend there it's not even remotely funny. So what does that leave me? I mentioned to my best friend I think friends are my only resource for finding a boyfriend, and she talked to her almost boyfriend to see if he knew anyone. While I love that she did that, do you know how pathetic it makes me feel?! I don't want to beg my friends for dates. The ONLY time a friend has ever set me up on a date it was with their older brother, which was fun, but definitely didn't feel any sparks.

I have a hard time opening up and making friends. I try, but I know I don't try enough. I'm not an outgoing person, and it's not a trait easily learned. If I were making a list (which I very well may), being more out going would probably be second or third on the wants, and first one the needs. I'm pretty confident most of the wants and needs could be taken care of simply by being more out going. I could probably enhance some of the haves too with more out going-ness.

So much easier said than done.

For needs, a job is pretty high on the list. I have been working on it. I send out applications, but school makes my availability pretty limited. It's so Catch-22: I need a job, so I go to school so I can get a good job, but in the mean time it keeps me from getting a job to simply make ends meet. I've also thought that a job would be an excellent place to meet a boy, but whatever haha. Like I said, I'm working on it, it's just hard to make things work with going to school at night and having Cal in the morning.

This leads me to something I do have. I do have Cal Hi. As frustrating it can be sometimes, I do have a job there where I realistically don't have to do all that much. Yes, I do a lot, but I know it's not like working at Target or something more mature. I'm grateful to have something.

I feel like I'm organizing my thoughts too much right now.

The way I look at it, here's where I want to be:
Teaching history somewhere in Southern California, preferably San Diego (Lealta got me hooked on that place :]), teaching guard and perhaps spinning.

That's it. I want the husband and kids and all that "American Dream" stuff, but for some reason, I can't see it. That scares the crap out of me. I want to see it, but I don't know. I sort of feel like I don't need it, which also scares me. Mostly because it's a new way of thinking for me. As little girls most of us, at least me any way, are taught that you get married, have babies, maybe work, maybe not. I've always been taught that was the way to go about things. I know it's what I've always wanted, so why is it so hard to see it?

I guess the main point of this is that wants, needs and haves don't necessarily line up. Our perceptions of these things is constantly changing, even if the things themselves don't.

...

To get a little out of character for me, I'm going to get a tad religious. I'm not the most religious person in the world, I've mentioned this before. I joke I'm the black sheep in the family because I don't go with them to church (which has nothing to do with religion, just church in general... but another conversation for another time). But this doesn't mean I don't believe in God. With all this thinking I've been doing I've been wondering what the plan is. I know what my plan is, but what about His plan? I mean, maybe I haven't found a boyfriend because I'm not supposed to yet, or maybe I'm just not supposed to have one. I don't know. I hate not knowing because I don't like not having control, but He's really the only one with control. I don't know. Like I've said, a few times now, I'm NOT really religious, so even me talking like this right now feels foreign to me. But I guess that's how it is?

I don't know how much is me still being frustrated and how much is me just not wanting to work on school work right now. I should probably focus on something I need to do, like this assignment. I feel like I have only scratched the surface of this want, need, have conversation (is it a conversation if I'm doing all the talking?), so I may write something about this again when I clear my head a bit and can quit writing in circles.

Ciao.

Lame Attempt @ Poetry

I do everything I can to not think about you.

not talk about you.

not call you.

not text you.

when all I want to do is hear your voice.

I miss you more than I want to.

I hate it.

its hard to fight the urge to call you.

especially late at night.

when the loneliness is too much to handle.

soon my resolve will strengthen.

it always does.

something will remind me just why I don't want to care about you.

but for now, it's hard to hold it back.