"A tree for all these problems"

"Well hey, they just like monsters.... though to say we got much hope... if I am lost it's only for a little while..." (Monsters - Band of Horses)

I'm in one of those rut moods. Where everything is frustrating, and you just want something to change. Things are hardly what I thought they would be right now, but at the same time there are exactly as I expected. I just started my 3rd quarter at Cal Poly, finishing up the last of my courses I need before I start student teaching in the Fall. I'm leaving for Dayton, OH a week from today for WGI championships. I hardly see my PC family.

I'm feelin' pretty lonely.

Its sad that I kinda miss how things were right after Zach died. I feel horrible saying that, but I really do miss parts. Obviously I don't miss the depressing things. It's still something I have a hard time dealing with but I think I can say most people, myself included, are doing better than in the first few weeks and months after it happened. (side note, it's almost been 5 months... so crazy to think about) But right after it all happened, we were all so close. No one wanted to be alone, everyone was together. I miss that. Thanks to winter guard I haven't been able to do anything PC people have planned. I missed Vegas for Zach's birthday. I have WGASC champs the weekend of Big Bear, other various parties and meet ups have been when I've had rehearsals and shows.

It's really upsetting.

I already feel like I'm losing a BIG piece of my life not being able to march this summer, and I feel like I'm getting more severed from my PC family than I wanted. I always feel so out of the loop. Then, I when I do talk to them, I feel like I alienate them because everything that I have to talk about is like "Lealta this" or "teaching that".

I love that I have become closer with people on Lealta. I am so happy I decided to march and made it work. I just got a solo/duet this weekend (a boy on the guard is injured & I'm taking his spot in sabre exchange... it's kind of a big deal :D). I only get one chance to perform it before WGI Prelims :/ but I was catching on really fast on Sunday (when I learned it halfway through rehearsal haha) and 9 out of 10 times things went well. The people are funny and I have a good time with them.

But I miss my PC friends.

It's times like this that I want a boyfriend. I feel pretty pathetic, because I feel like this is the type of thing I ALWAYS write about when I write a blog, but its feeling like this that makes me want to write haha. I feel like I took a few steps backward in the shyness department somewhere. I was really being more out there for a while... at least more so than usual, and now I'm that girl who barely talks again. I hate that girl. But I'm just like, not motivated. I don't know. I want to meet someone new. Someone unrelated to drum corps but I don't know how to meet those kind of people.

Hence this rut feeling. This frustration. This loneliness.

There are lots of people I want to talk to, but I always end up getting burned or in the way.

UGH, I'm so pathetic tonight. Hopefully... scratch that. I KNOW tomorrow will be a better day. I have less than a week to Dayton. I'm so excited. At least I have that to focus on. After that, its schoooooooooool and finding a job. haha I'm so Debbie Downer when I shouldn't be.

<3

Happy Birthday

Dear Zach,


Happy Birthday. Today you would be... should be 21 years old. And of all days it's St. Patrick's Day, one of the holidays where it's socially acceptable to be shitfaced the whole day. I wish you could be here to celebrate. Just after midnight I took a double shot of grey goose & said a little toast to you. No chaser. Not fun, but I thought back to that party at Rob's, when you got dooped into taking a double shot with every age out there, & they were all doing water shots while you were doing vodka shots. Hilarious. I had to walk you back to the house after you insisted on walking me to my car.

I'm doing lots of remembering tonight.

I remember when you helped me move out of my apartment in Irvine. We were talking about birthdays for some reason and you mentioned how your sister was so excited for your 21st because it was on St. Patrick's Day. I really wish you could be here to have that birthday with your sister. I know she invited a bunch of your friends to Vegas for your birthday. I was supposed to go, but once I joined winter guard I didn't have the time or money for it. I hope they have fun. I know you'll be there in spirit celebrating with them.

I remember how you were there for me on my 21st. You carried me out of the restaurant to your car, then from your car to my back door. You were such a sweetheart. I still have all the pictures you took that night. In most of them you can almost tell I'm saying "Zach! Stop! No more pictures!" but you didn't. And even though you're only in I think 2 of those pictures, every single one reminds me of you.

I still miss you so much. A few days ago marked 4 months without you. It still seems surreal. 4 months! It's funny, I knew the date the entire day, but it really didn't hit me that it was the 13th until I took the floor for my competition. I think I had a better show because I thought about you. Things have gotten a little easier. That whole 'time heals all wounds' adage is true, but it still hurts. Sometimes it hits hard, other times I just smile thinking about you. I dread getting a voicemail anymore, because the only saved voicemail on my phone is the one from Stuart that morning, because I missed his call the first time. Just hearing the beginning gets my heart racing & I have to hang up. I'm always so scared to listen to voicemails, because I don't want to hear it on accident.

I haven't been to visit you in almost 2 months. I'm sorry. I want to, but I don't really want to go alone and I haven't really had time because of school. Lame excuses, I know. I'm on Spring Break for the next 2 weeks, and trust me, there's a trip to see you somewhere in there. I think you'd be happy for me for all the things I've been doing lately. At the golf tournament you asked me about my credential program and how I liked it. I had barely started it then, so I didn't really have much to say, but now I'm almost done. I'll start student teaching in the Fall. Like, I'm almost a real teacher. It's pretty crazy to think about, and I'm so nervous about it, but I know you'd be nothing but encouraging, telling me how I could be good at it. You were always good at helping me to see the other side of things. And this winter guard thing. I'm sure you would've been just as surprised as me that I'm actually doing this. But I know you'd be encouraging about it too.

I really miss you, Zach. Happy Birthday Buddy. I hope you have a great one up there. We'll all celebrate it down here as best we can without you.

Love,

Samantha

Dear You

Yes, you.

You know who you are.

Sorry for attempting to mend something that clearly will never be again. Clearly™. It was my mistake to think that things you said before may still be true. Obviously you have no need for my friendship anymore, and that's fine. I had already anticipated this, so it really doesn't sting as much as I thought it would. The thing is, I thought that maybe, just maybe... that you may miss me too.

I guess I've been right all along. I really should listen to myself more often. I miss who you used to be, and Clearly™ that person no longer exists. I may as well be missing a fictional character.

I won't bother you again with a random friend request. It was pretty thoughtless of me to send one in the first place. Regardless of how much I would love to cuss you out, cry, and be ridiculous over this, I refuse to be that immature.

Especially over you.

Instead, I hope you enjoy your life and that you are successful in what you do, though I do not agree with the way you're going about it. But, not my place to comment. Those are the type of things said to friends and judged of strangers, and frankly, that's all you will ever be to me now.

Have a nice life,

Samantha

Trying To Sleep With A Broken Heart

Don't let the title fool you, I'm not heartbroken. I'm just very anti-Valentine's day, and even though it was yesterday, I'm STILL anti-Valentine's day lol. i just feel really restless right now and thought that writing would be a really good thing to help it. (And the title is the name a song we use for warmup at Lealta.)

It was a beautiful day today. I love the weather when it's warm. We had rehearsal outside at Cal today, and with it being so hot it reminded me of summer. Jenny and Jason were telling us after rehearsal on Saturday how hard the first season not spinning is. Jenny said that after she stopped doing Fantasia she had to wait two years to watch a show, which she only did to support Jason... and she cried like a baby. Ben said his first drum corps show after aging out he "cried like a royal bitch" in the stands. I stopped by PC rehearsal after Lealta on Sunday. I was SO excited that A) I left San Diego when the sun was still out! and B) PC would just be getting out by the time I'd reach the 57. It was pretty surreal. I felt a little mad at myself once I left Diamond Bar. I was a little spinning betty for a hot second while I was there... I hate being that girl that spins to get attention, but I definitely was :/ oh well, these things happen. But I was also mad at myself because I felt like I was intruding. I went mostly to see my best friend because our lives are too busy right now and I haven't seen her in forever, but I felt like I was just... I don't know how to explain it. It's like, even though PC will always be my home, I was a stranger. Granted, I don't know HALF the people marching, I just felt like an outsider. It's something I'll have to get used to I guess.

Admittedly, I'm waiting for my parents to go to sleep right now. Once they leave the room I'm going to start crying like a baby. Not really connected to the above paragraph, but sorta. I've been thinking a lot about Zach lately. A little more than usual. Saturday marked 3 months without him. That's just surreal. I wrote his initials and I-vii-I-vi-V on my wrist in sharpie on Saturday. Lealta people probably thought I was crazy because when they would ask what it was, my response was, "it's to keep me sane today." I had a mini-breakdown in the middle of rehearsal, luckily it wasn't when we were being worked with as a group. I was having a hell of a time with my rifle tosses, and my turn around was not happening... my 6 in general was not happening, so I was getting really frustrated. I just stayed in my little back corner and tossed and cried. Most people didn't notice, thankfully. Everyone was either attempting to be productive while Ben and Earnest worked with certain groups, or they were talking, so no one notice me. I stayed the night with Stephanie and Mani, mostly because just being with people who knew Zach made me feel better. They didn't know how upset I was, but they were a big help without realizing it. I swear, I've already had so many Zach-related breakdowns at Leatla they must think I'm crazy. I already feel like I'm barely fitting in just because I'm so shy and making new friends is really hard for me. I'm really working on it though. That's actually something Zach inspired in me. He always told me (before, during and after we were together) that I should talk me, be more social. I'm really trying, Zach, I am... though I can definitely hear him saying "do or do not. There is no try." Him and his stupid Yoda quote he'd always use on me whenever I said "I'm trying..." Gosh, I miss him. I was thinking about it on my drive to rehearsal Saturday, if he were still around I really wouldn't see him. I would probably get random picture comments or "likes" on Facebook. He'd say "Hi" when I'd stop by PC rehearsals or shows... but I don't know that we would have hung out all that much. Who knows. I guess that's something that we'll never know. But this is what I do know; I would much rather not hang out with him or really see him, but him still be with us, then him be gone. I was handling the other way so much better than I'm handing this lol. I miss you, Zachary.

In slightly less sad thoughts, I was looking at pictures of people on facebook that I am no longer friends with/not in touch with (aka fb stalking lol). It's really weird how much of a different path people take. I have had a pretty good "young adult" life. I'm happy with the person I'm becoming and the accomplishments I've made. I was looking at pictures of a girl I marched with my first year at Pacific Crest. We looked a lot alike, but I was older by 2 years. She was always "prettier" than me, and she's still pretty, but wow... oh how I judge lol. She's definitely bigger than me. I'm not liking how "big" (and I use that term VERY loosely) I am now, but this girl used to be a stick like me and she has some curves now (I'm being nice... she's not fat by any means, but she's not a twig anymore for sure). Almost ALL of her pictures are with a cup or bottle in her hand. If I'm not mistaken her 21st birthday isn't until THIS March... it's just really weird to think that we "looked alike" and people thought we were twins at one point, but she is like bazarro me. Then a girl from high school added me on facebook today. She was a year younger than me, her and her twin and older sister were all in guard with me. Yeah, she's definitely married and has a kid. The other twin is a normal college student. But like, WOW. I spent a lot of today helping my mom clean the house while watching Teen Mom on MTV and when I looked at this girl's facebook I felt like I was watching another episode. I started imagining myself in their lives... I appreciate my life lol. I mean, I don't even have a boyfriend right now, but just the thought of being married with a kid AT MY AGE is crazy. I feel like I'm just figuring out what I want out of my life, how could I figure out what to do for a little person? I don't know, it was interesting. And yeah, the party girl, definitely not me. I will get drunk, but it's on RARE occasion. And people who would read this know that if I've gotten drunk lately (lately being December) it's had to do with the paragraph above this one.

So, I'm just kind of writing about everything right now. I don't have time to blog much anymore, so I kind of need to get stuff out.

I hate to admit it, but I miss Noah. I miss him so much I hate myself. Seriously, WHY?!?! If I KNOW he's a douche bag and not worth my time, why do I want to call him? I haven't and won't, but the fact I want to bothers me SO much. Ever so often I'll look up his facebook to see things. Every picture I see I can tell now if he's high or not. 90% of his new ones are. It still bothers me that he spends so much of his time high. Seriously, why!? I'll admit I tried it (because of him), but I didn't really see the point. (Sidenote, When the PC booth at Los Altos was being planned and Zach asked me to help him out, I was actually looking forward to telling him about it to see his reaction lol. I don't think he would've believed me.) As much as I want to talk to Noah, my rational thoughts are too in control to let me actually pick up the phone. I swear, him telling me I was using Zach's death for attention was Zach's way of helping me let go. Noah may have stopped talking to me because of Brad, but I had already stopped talking to him... I just stopped responding after that. It's like a lightbulb went off. Thanks for waking me up, Zach. Whether or not it's really Zach's doing (because I know he hated Noah, and just a few weeks before at the golf tournament he called me out on it) but I like to think it was. I've had people tell me for YEARS he's not worth it and it was like this situation made me believe it. Yet I still miss him. But I established before, I miss who he used to be. He's not the same drum corps loving, guitar playing geek who wrote songs about me and told me he loved me all the time. That boy doesn't exist anymore. But then again, the girl he loved doesn't exist anymore either.

Things are changing so fast it feels like. I'm ridiculously busy. I feel like time is going super fast and slow at the same time. I hardly talk to anyone anymore except for Annie and Lealta people. I'm always busy with something, yet I'm ahead despite procrastinating. I'm just... I don't know. I'm overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. I had said before (I forget if this was in a conversation to someone or in a blog) that I purposely made my life too busy for a boyfriend, yet I'm finding myself lately really wanting one. I had an almost boyfriend in Brad, but I'm so afraid of commitment (and it just didn't feel right) that at the first signs of it I freak out. I don't know. Maybe it was because Valentine's just passed, or how lately I've been hearing a little more about Olivia and Jeremy and marriage... yeah... or just marriage in general. I have A LOT of friends who are engaged and several who are married already. I'm starting to feel like I'm going to end up an old maid, my students will be my children... That bothers me. I thought for a split second that I might like Brad still, but I just think that since he was the last boy I liked and Noah isn't around to be the "place holder boy," I was thinking that... I don't know. I swear I hate being a girl sometimes, all this lovey dovey stuff is crap yet I'm sucker for it just as much as the next girl. I think I may have written enough for the night.

<3

Too Frustrated For School

I should be doing homework. I worked hard to try to be somewhat ahead but it's falling to the wayside. I'm too frustrated over stupid shit right now to do anything. I want to vent to my best friend about it, but right now she's going through a really hard time, so I figure I need to step back and be the listener for her and just blog my frustrations out here.

So It's been about 3 months since Zach died. 12 weeks as of Friday and 3 months on the 13th (duh). Since then I haven't really talked to Noah. We stopped talking over a little thing I posted on Twitter about Brad.

Too bad that turned out to be nothing more than a crush.

Too bad that wasn't the real reason we stopped talking.

That was when Noah stopped talking to me. I stopped talking to him well before that. By well, I mean like a week or so before. He said I was using Zach's death to get attention. If I did that, I wasn't doing it intentionally, but looking back I can almost see where he would get that idea from. So we haven't talked since Thanksgiving. That's not a super long time, but long enough. I have thought about talking to him a few times since we stopped talking, but I've had a few friends that have talked me out of it. It's hard for my not to talk to him. As much as I'm angry over the person he's become, I still wish that he was the boy I fell in love with. I still care about him and think about him often. But I know that we're two VERY different people now and that any idea I had over the last year about us having a future was immature and childish.

But even though I feel this way, I still can't help but miss him. I went through the trouble of blocking him on every social network possible (myspace, facebook, twitter...) but he did nothing more than "unfriend" me. So I still check up on him from time to time, knowing that he will not be able to see things I do. It kills me that I'm still so possessive and jealous for no reason. He hasn't been "mine" for 4 years... seems like a lot longer. 4 years, yet when I see mention of Melissa (aka Alabama Girl who he met on myspace and he was with after me, who now goes to UofM with him) I get SUPER jealous. As jealous as a girlfriend. But that is NOT what I am. I'm a jealous ex-girlfriend. I hate admitting it, but that's what I am. I've been one for a while. It bothers me. I don't want to be the jealous ex.

It doesn't make sense.

I'm happy with how things are right now. Sure, there are times when I want a boyfriend, but I've kind of made myself purposely too busy to have one. One of the things I've taken form Zach's death was that I need to live my life a little more. I've been on such a set path, that I feel like I missed out on some important things. Recently RBG answered one of those Social Interview things on my facebook, and it asked if I was a risk taker. He said "Sorry, no." Which is true, but my idea of "risk" is different than other people's. The big "risk" I'm taking right now is winter guard. Something I basically SWORE I wouldn't do. I have never been a fan. But Lealta is different. I love it. I guess I just don't like high school winter guard. The risk is, I have school. I have A LOT going on with school. Its a big challenge.

I'm not a real risk taker. I wish I was, but I'm okay with not being one. I'm definitely the "rather safe than sorry" type. I still take a jacket with me EVERYWHERE, even in summer, "just in case." I don't know how to be a risk taker. The times I've tried to be one, I've just been stupid. And usually drunk.

So to get back to my point, I'm happy without a boyfriend. I've been with so many boys, me being single is important to me. Everyday I find out a little more about the person I am and the kind of person I do want to be with. Do I still worry about finding "the one"? Sure, but I'm not that stressed to find him that I try to force every boy I date to fit into the mold, even if it's plainly obvious he's not the guy.

That's how I feel about Noah.

I feel like I've been trying to make him fit into a mold of what I want. I've over looked things that bother me and come up with excuses for him. I'm done being "that girl" (ask me sometime for the "scientific" difference between "this guy/girl" and "that guy/girl"). I'm just so... done.

But I still miss him.

I'm a walking paradox. No joke, I almost picked up my phone a little while ago and text him that I was pissed off with this situation. I would have been an angry and pathetic "I hate you, but I miss you" text. As I picked up my phone I got a text message from Annie. I had to swallow the self-centered crap and remember that I really don't have any problems right now. It reminded me that I need to be there for other people too, and not just complain all the time. So instead of an angry/pathetic text to a boy not worth my time, I sent a long text to me friend trying to help her. I know that Zach would approve.

Another Stream of Consciousness

I'm bored and kind of irritated, so I'm going to just type some random things that come to mind. Sound good?

I’m really frustrated with Olivia right now. I love her, I do. But I really don’t want to hang out with her tomorrow. She wants to go to the mall to find a dress for her recital. And that’s cool, but it’s not really fun to go to the mall when it’s crowded, like it is now, and especially when you don’t have any money. Does it make me a bad sister that I don’t want to hang out with her? I felt the same way today and yesterday with Michael. He wanted to play Halo all Christmas, but I was into my own stuff. Then today I tried to play with him but I just complained the entire time because the game was giving me a headache and I didn’t quite get how to play. I feel like a bitch. But I know that if I do it out of guilt it’s just as bad because I’ll be mopey and complaining the entire time, ruining it for everyone else. I don’t know. I love my family but I just want to be away from them anymore. I don’t like being at home very much. My parents know that I’m miserable living at home. My dad says that shows that they did something right raising me, because I should want to move away, but it breaks my mom’s heart. I don’t know. I’m just really restless not having anything to do or really any place to go.

Annie was telling me this story earlier about why she doesn’t have many friends at LMU, and I could really relate to one part. She said that she could tell that these other people were more friends with her friend than her, because they’d always call her friend and stuff like that. I definitely feel that way anymore with PC people. I always hear about things through Annie, hardly ever do I get texts from people about stuff. Like the club thing the other night, until Annie said something, I knew nothing about it. I know that I could text people and stuff, but I guess I’m still REALLY shy in some respects. I want to break away from that so much, I really do, but it’s just scary, I guess. I don’t know if people really like me or not. Like, I feel like some people just put up with me being there. I don’t always feel wanted at PC things. I hate it, because those people really are my closest friends. It sucks.

I’ve had a headache for the last few days. I thought at first I was just SUPER hung over after the club, but it’s definitely migraine status since it’s been 3 days and it only goes a way for short periods of time. Since my Aunt died from a brain hemorrhage, or something like that relating to a migraine, it worries me. I know that my mom used to get migraines at my age from her birth control, but I wasn’t on birth control when I started getting mine. I think I’ve only been getting them for like, a year, if that. My mom was even hospitalized for a migraine. It really scares me that I’ll either have a hemorrhage or go to the hospital for a headache.

So I made a “January 2010” playlist, even though it’s still December 2009, consisting of some of my favorites and some new stuff that I downloaded from this awesome place… it’s 252 songs long… some I’ve never heard before lol. So I have it on shuffle right now. Heart of Love – John Mayer came on and I definitely started crying even though I went almost the entire day without crying. I more so teared up than cried, but still… ugh. So close.

Probably Tuesday, Annie and I are going to visit Kevin down in San Diego area for the day. Should be fun. I was trying to remember how to get to his house and I remembered once I got off the freeway, but couldn’t remember all the freeways to take there. So I got on goggle maps to check it out, then I did street view to get the approximate address. It was really weird that I could still remember which house was his, not like the address but just the look. It’s really weird to think that this time a few years ago I was just starting to talk to him. It’s really crazy. I just had all these flashbacks to going to his place and stuff and it was just interesting. Kinda weird that I’m going down there again, but it’s kind of to say good bye, since I’m not sure if I’ll see him again before he leaves for Orlando.

I love that some songs of the power to just make everything better. The song I’m listening to at the moment, Midnight Coward – Stars, it’s just one of those songs that I can’t help but be in a good mood when I listen to. I’m too emotional for no good reason right now. Every song I hear is influencing my emotions. I’m trying to listen to all the new ones I have but shuffle keeps going to old favs… like right now it just changed to Heartbeats – Jose Gonzalez. Definitely in my top 10 favorites, if not top 3 [since The Funeral – Band of Horses is obviously number 1].

My head is definitely hurting big time. I keep seeing lines EVERYWHERE! What the hell?! I think I'm going "photosensitive" again. That's when light fucks me over. Ugh. I don't want to have to take my medicine. I've been avoiding it at all costs today. I did that yesterday too. I don't have that many left, but I know that if I have a headache, I should take it or something... ugh.

This new song I'm listening to is pretty good... Ugly On The Inside - Owen. Pretty good. Hallucinations - Angels and Airwaves isn't bad either, though I still prefer Blink-182.

Well, I think that’s all for now. I just needed to vent/bitch a bit… I’m better now… Maybe I should read or something since my head isn't taking to the computer too well right now...

What You've been missing...

I haven't really posted anything on here lately, and I really feel that I should have been instead of posting things on Facebook or Myspace... so I've decided to paste in some of the thing I've written. It's been pretty tough these last few weeks... and just when I think things are finally kind of okay again, something reminds me that it's not. Like last night at Championships. As I'm sitting there for like 4 hours with Courtney in Hospitality, with a lot of the staff from Los Altos, I kept waiting for him to come in. I could picture the entire scene in my head. He'd sit on the other side of Courtney, we'd make small talk, joke about "pre-auditions"... When Ducky would come hug me for a little too long, whispering some joke about him, he'd just shake his head... then when we got scores and see that Cal beat Los Altos [which is reality, btw], Courtney would probably rub it in his face a little, but he'd still gloat about the fact that they beat us in visual... It just didn't feel right for him not to be there. I didn't have my glasses on so I didn't notice it at first, but Courtney noticed right away that Los Altos still had their ribbons on their uniforms. It made me really happy. But, I digress, I should start by posting stuff. I'm obviously going to start with the first thing I wrote, a letter to Zachary. I think I will be writing another one really soon.

Saturday, November 14, 2009 1:11 AM

Dear Zachary
Current mood: numb
Dear Zach,

I don't even know where to begin. When I got the phone call this morning, I didn't want to believe it. I still don't want to believe it. I just talked to you a few nights ago. You had asked me to help out with the Pacific Crest info booth, and while I said I would in a very nonchalant way, I was really super excited you asked and really looking forward to seeing you and spending time with you. You are [I refuse to use the past tense] one of the best people I have ever met. It was only in the last few months that we had started really acting like friends since we broke up, but it meant the world to me to have you back at least as a friend. To know that you're gone is beyond heartbreaking.

I have so many stories and things I want to say. Like tonight, at the Los Altos football game, I saw the field and the first thing I thought of was the rehearsal before Sneak Preview. Sabre line had to set up the sound system and I refused to plug it in because of a big spider in the thing covering the outlet, so I went to you and asked you to do it and you gave me so much crap for being scared of a bug. I thought about the day we left for tour this year. It was my birthday and you knew I was scared to death of flying and even though you never asked me directly, I over heard you asking other people if I was okay and to tell me to breathe. I keep thinking about about all the times we hung out after rehearsal this year. Like that night at Denny's after an APU rehearsal... I still have that bunny from the claw machine in my car. Annie has promised to take it out on the ageout field this summer. We always joked that it was going to replace you as front field, and since you can't be on that field to ageout, the bunny will be there for you. Or how at Royal Oak, you realized you didn't have my number anymore and when you entered me into your phone again you put me as "Pookie." I still don't know if you did that for real, I'm assuming you didn't, but it still made me laugh and blush a little bit. But one of the most meaningful things I keep replaying in my head, was that night at Pat's. It was like 6am and you were sitting across the room from me, but you text me to say you were sorry for how you acted and for any awkwardness that was between us. I was so surprised you sent that and I still am. I was so lucky to know you and I'm having such a hard time dealing with the fact you're gone.

I keep hoping this is some cruel joke. Like you're just sitting at home waiting to pop out and say "got you!" but I know that's not going to happen. I really haven't cried a lot today. I think it was about a half hour after Stuart called before I really cried. I was at Cal, trying to watch the video of their perform from Thursday, and I would just lose it and have to go outside and cry. After that, I refused to let myself cry anymore. I just couldn't. It wasn't until about 2 hours ago, when Brad called and told me the details of what happened that I cried again. I've been crying almost non-stop since.

I hope and pray that you're in a much better place right now. I miss you so much and I wish I was able to tell you how much you meant to me. I am now, but I wish I had the chance sooner. Earlier tonight Brad tried to make me feel better by pointing out that the last time I talked to you, I made you happy. You seemed so excited to have me help Saturday and that I was actually getting a bunch of people to come help out. At least, that's what Brad keeps pointing out to me. I don't know how much I agree. I made you happy in that you wouldn't be working the booth alone, but still Brad has been trying to get me to see the bright side.

There really is no bright side right now. There will not be one day that I don't think about you. I already thought about you and looked to see if I saw your car in the Mt. SAC parking lot every time I went to school... Now I'm going to look but know I'm not going to see it. You were there for me during the absolute worst time in my life and helped me to see things from a different perspective. Though I didn't take your advice about it, I still kind of wish I did and I'm so thankful you opened up to me and let me know that I was okay. I don't know how to say this without sounding bad, but by being with you and you breaking up with me, you taught me how to be a stronger person. You always could explains things to me in a way I never thought about and some of those things are only beginning to make sense to me now. You are such an amazing person.

Seeing all the people that showed up tonight at the football game really made me feel warm inside. So many people got angry at the announcer for mispronouncing your last name and we all had things to say about you. You really are loved by so many people. Everyone has pointed out that for 99% of the people you touched that are still marching, they'll be marching 2010 for you. I think it'll go way beyond that. Because of how you influenced all of us, your memory will live on in people you never even knew. People aren't going to march just 2010 for you, there will be a piece of you marching every year for years and years to come. Your time with us was cut way too short, but you made great use of that time. I feel like anything I say right now has already been said or is a cliche. All I can do is speak from the heart right now and all my heart is screaming is why. Why did you have to go so soon? Why didn't we get to see you reach your full potential? It was clear you still had a lot to offer this world, it seems so unfair that we'll never get to experience it all.

I'm so angry and saddened at the same time. I don't know how to deal with this. I feel so lost right now. I miss you, Zach. I miss you so much more than I ever thought I would miss you. I miss your stupid comments, how you would push me for no reason, your stupid faces.... I miss you. This is one of the hardest days of my life and as much as I'm struggling right now, I keep thinking that I should be making the most of my life because at least I'm still here... I really miss you. I love you and care so much about you, I hope that wherever you are now, you know that.

Thank you for being you and for being a part of my life, Zach. I just wish you were part of it for much longer than you were. You will be greatly missed and I don't know how I'm going to make it through all of this, especially the next week. I love you.

<3 Samantha

Tuesday, November 17, 2009 8:53 PM

Racing

I know I should be writing my Anchor Assignment paper, but I just have too much on my mind right now & I need to get these things out before I scream.

Why do I not know how to deal with this? I'm not saying I, or anyone for that matter, should be an expert at dealing with grief, but why am I taking this so hard? Zach & I dated for about a month over a year ago. We we friends before that & we were starting to kinda be friends again, but I don't feel like I knew him as well as other people assume I did. I mean, there are plenty of things I talked to Zach about that not everyone knew, but not recently. There were things he told me that he said he didn't tell everyone, but who knows if he was telling me the truth. I know that probably sounds cynical or bitchy, but please just let me be the way I want to be right now.

I keep talking to him, and while sometimes I can hear his side of the conversation, I can't all the time. I wish I could hear his voice. I feel like I'm forgetting so much. Like what he sounds like, the stupid things he'd say... I tried for over an hour to get my old laptop to turn on so I could see if my old AIM chat logs were on there, just so I could read through my old conversations with him and try to remember him better... but the computer never turned on. I feel like it's pretty metaphorical... just like I'll never get to talk to him for real ever again, I'll never get to read those stupid conversations.

Noah called me an attention whore the other day. I was completely devastated when he said that. He said that I was using Zach to get attention. Really?! I'm sorry you're a jerk who doesn't know how many people cared about Zach [because I was certainly not the only one posting things about him online] and think that I'd really have something to gain from any of this. If I'm trying to get anything, it's just comfort. I keep second guessing myself though, like maybe he's right. I keep asking Zach what he thinks but each time I get a different response from him. I see people who I think were much closer to him than I was & they seem okay. Upset, obviously, but okay. I'm such a fucking roller coaster right now. I'm up, I'm down... right now I'm spiraling down.

I haven't cried at all today. Not once. I keep thinking about him and little things and... I just can't cry. My eyes feel so swollen and dry and heavy. I haven't slept much lately & when I do sleep it's the kind of sleep where you wake up feeling like all you did was close your eyes. I have so much school work to do, and it's important stuff. But it doesn't matter. I can't keep my attention to anything but him for more than a few moments. I swear I had to read my prompt for my paper at least 20 times before I wrote a single thing.

& the other reason I feel so selfish, I keep depending on so many other people. I can't deal with things alone. I have had SO many people tell me that before. I really didn't agree until now. Even Zach told me that. When we broke up he said a big part of it was because I couldn't get over things quickly and he didn't know how to deal with that because he did. & even now I can hear him say that I'm dwelling on stuff I shouldn't be. & I know I am.... but it's just so hard. I keep trying to talk to people & I don't know how many have said that they're here if I just need a shoulder or something, and every time I talk to them I just feel like I'm being selfish. Everyone is grieving right now and I need to learn how to do it alone... as horrible as this sounds, there are only a handful of people that I really want to talk to right now, and every time I talk to them, even after they ask me if I'm ok, I feel like I'm intruding, like I'm not letting them grieve because I need help to do it.

Sooo that thing about not crying, scratch that... I just read something on RBG's facebook that Zach's dad wrote & I started tearing up.

Ugh, I'm out of steam... Still so any many emotions, but no energy.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009 11:48 AM

Thanksgiving
Current mood: thoughtful
I feel like I should write something about what I'm thankful for, seeing as we're almost to the holiday for giving thanks, but I really don't think I could. I have a million things to do today, including writing at least one of my many papers, but I can't really do that right now. I have been having a very hard time focusing for the last week and a half, which is understandable, I guess. It still doesn't seem real, I still have moments where I'll randomly start to cry because something reminds me of him or what happened. I still don't want to accept it. Thanksgiving will mark one week from the Memorial... That was one of the hardest days of my life and even after that day I don't want to believe any of this. As much as Zach and I weren't extremely close anymore, I still cared so much about him and we were still close in some ways. I keep beating myself up for taking so long to stop being awkward around him and moving past that to being friends. I wish we could have been friends longer... And tomorrow is Thanksgiving... I keep thinking about how much it will hurt his family to not have him there. I never got to meet any of his family, and I still wish I did, but I'm sure that their holidays will never be the same without him. None of us will ever be the same without him. I'm actually dreading tomorrow for that reason. I know that I will have my family all around me, but how can I be happy when I know that his won't have him? I know I should be thankful for the things I have and for having the chance to have had Zach in my life, but I don't know, I guess I'm not really looking on the upside right now.

My emotions, thoughts... everything has been up in the air lately. I don't know which way is up and which is down. For the last few months I've become friends with someone, and we've become really close. I talk to them almost every day and they are one of the few people who can actually make me happy right now. Obviously, everything that has happened since November 13, 2009 has brought us, as well as everyone in Pacific Crest, closer together. This scares me. I feel like a little girl writing this, because it's been so long since I've felt this way, but I'm starting to really like this guy. The last person I officially dated was Zach and we broke up over a year ago... I know a couple people, probably even Zach himself, would argue that I've basically been with Noah ever since, but I don't agree with that. So basically, the last time I felt this way, it was for Zach. I guess it makes me weird, but I like saying that Zach was my last boyfriend and my last crush... and even though I'm starting to feel the way I do for this guy, I don't want to let go of those things... if that makes any sense. Plus, I'm scared I'm feeling the way I do as a way to distract myself from the pain I'm feeling. I really don't want that either because I don't want to hurt anyone. So I'm a little lost. I keep talking to Zach and asking him for some advice, but obviously it's a little hard for me to hear his answer... which is too bad because he really was great at advice... I needed to write something because whenever I have a hard time with something, writing helps. I've been talking to Annie a lot, and Zach, but I haven't really talked to many people about this. I've barely even talked to the guy about it, and when I have it's been very vague or coated in sarcasm. I feel like I'm getting WAY ahead of myself, especially since I don't know how they feel about me. I'm trying really hard not to rush anything, since I'm pretty sure that played a part in the failure of a lot of my relationships... probably most of all with Zach. So yeah, I don't know what else to say. I wish that I could just get away and sit with someone and talk... but one of the people I want to sit and talk with I can only talk to in my thoughts, another one lives too far away and the other one I'm scared to talk to...

I guess I should either get ready for class or do something productive. If you actually read this, thank you. If I'm thankful for anything this Thanksgiving, it's my amazing friends.


Saturday, November 28, 2009 2:41 AM

The Heart of Life
Current mood:emotional
Tonight was a good night. I went with Mark into the Valley to see Annie's football game. It felt good to see PC people... There were a few times I wanted to start crying while driving with Mark, but I kept it together. That was the first time since November 13th that I've been able to drive the 60 East without balling, but the drive home was a little different. Along the 1ish hour drive, Mark & I did a lot of talking, which was lots of fun... & naturally the conversation turned to Zach more than once. As we were talking about him, & I came EXTREMELY close to losing it, the song "The Heart of Life" came on. I've heard this song a few times before, but right now... idk, it just felt like the perfect song for the moment. Now, I can't stop listening to it... or crying.

I think my mom put it best a few days after everything happened... this is my first real experience with loss. I still don't know how this whole grieving process works. I feel like I'm doing it all wrong. When I feel like I should be "okay," I'm completely depressed, usually crying or trying really hard not to... or when I actually do feel okay, I feel like I should be sad. It's been 2 weeks... correction, just over 2 weeks, & I still really don't believe any of it. Is that normal? I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm constantly talking to/arguing with Zach in my head. I'm usually a quiet person but lately if I'm quiet, I'm talking to him. The other day for Thanksgiving I actually had to ask my mom to tell the rest of my family not to ask me if I was "okay" or "what happened" because I couldn't take it. Guess what? They still did. It was innocent but it was too hard to deal with. I love my family, but I haven't been able to talk to them about any of this. My mom is a little heartbroken that I won't talk to her about it, but I just can't. The only people I feel comfortable talking to about Zach, are people who knew him. My parents met him, like, twice. They didn't know him, they don't know how amazing he was or how important he was to me. Hell, I didn't realize how important he still was to me until...

So right now, I'm listening to "The Heart of Life" on repeat, sitting alone in my livingroom, crying. Awesome, I know. I've been an emotional rollercoaster lately. It really freaking sucks. I still haven't done much to be productive school-wise... I need to... ugh... I can't focus, my emotions are all over the place. It makes me really grateful that I have someone I can talk to that doesn't think I'm crazy. I have quite a few someone's like that, but I'm really referring to the one person I've been talking to till all hours of the night for the last week... Right now, he's trying to cheer me up by saying I'm controlling the weather, & that my crying is making it rain. It's so stupid, but cute...

Thanksgiving was an interesting day... In that one day he admitted to liking me [& knowing that I liked him even tho I've been too scared to actually say it] & I lost contact with someone who claimed to never leave my life, whether I wanted them to or not. Who would've thought that posting something on Twitter would cause so much drama? & the funny thing is, I'm more scared & upset than ever. I just lost Zach, who I didn't realize I still cared so much about... I'm kind of losing Kevin because he's moving to the other side of the country & he already lives too far away just being in San Diego... I lost Noah a long, long time ago & even tho he has continued to tell me he loves me, even tho I won't say it back, I never knew he still cared that much to be so upset & stop talking to me over something as silly as me liking another guy. He always made it very clear that we wouldn't have a long distance relationship & I told myself I wouldn't wait for him, because who am I kidding? That boy uses me as his California hook up. I hate it, & it's my own fault. I want someone to care about me so much, I actually listen to him... But I just stopped believing him after he claimed I was using Zach's death to get attention & it never occurred to me that I actually meant anything to him.... & then there's this guy I'm texting [which most people who'll read thing know who it is]. I keep apologizing for being crazy or coming off too strong, but the guy doesn't seem to be scared away... yet anyway. I mean, from what my sources have told me, this guy doens't like taking people back to his home town, yet a few days ago he was telling me he already planned to take me there. I guess that kind of says something... he also said that even though he likes me & I like him, it doesn't mean he knows what to do with the situation [that sounds so 6th grade, it's not even funny]... so this is why I'm scared. Ugh, boys are confusing. Can't live with them & obviously I can't live without them...

I've been sitting here for probably an hour writing this... I'm still listening to the song & the crying has become on&off instead of continuous. He's still texting me, trying to make me feel better, it's not really working but it does help. I really really wish Zach was here right now. [I've told people this story a lot lately, but I don't care] Just before we left for tour, I was really upset over something Noah did or said, & I just could not stop crying... I just sat down in a ball, my head on my knees, & cried [I know, I cry A LOT]. He sat down next to me & asked what was wrong. I didn't know what to say... I've noticed that if there is anything all my exes have in common, other than dating me, they all hate Noah. So I didn't want to say anything. Especially because I thought Zach would tease me for liking Noah again. So I shrugged. I thought that was that, he'd get up & leave me alone. Not Zach. He made himself comfortable & said "I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong." & I'm going to be completely honest, I kinda smiled when he said that. I hadn't spent much time with him alone since we started being "friends" again, so I was happy. So I just cried. He stayed there. At some point I told him that he didn't have to stay there & asked "don't you have drum major stuff to do?", which he said he knew but he wanted to & that "that's what Mark's for." He started trying to push me over, to get me to crack a smile. I think he tried to tickle me too. I finally did but I still didn't say anything. & It was like, Zach already knew. He said that Noah wasn't worth it, or something like that. & eventually I got up... I still don't remember if I said "thank you" to him or not. If I didn't, Thank you Zachary. Thank you so much.

It's 3:48... if you go by the time in the news reports, Zach has been gone for 2 weeks, 24 hours and 10 minutes. It doesn't seem real... I need to stop with this crying, it's late & I have so much to do when I wake up... good night. I love & appreciate you, please know that. I'm making sure all the important people know that, because I didn't get the chance to tell Zach that...